Chuck Norris facts!

[fernandito]

Post your favorite Chuck Norris facts.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

[fernandito]

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

[gunslinger19]

When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

[Matt]

Chuck Norris doesn't take a picture of your family...


he takes your family

[Wuducynn]

Doesn't Chuck Norris have the ability to shoot lightning from his eyes?

[fernandito]

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

[OchrisO]

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

[fernandito]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

[Odetta]

What Jack Bauer does in 24 hours, Chuck can do in 24 minutes!

[Telynn]

Chuck Norris can move his thread from place to place.

[Brice]

Chuck Norris can move his thread from place to place.

No, I can do that.

[Storyslinger]

When Chuck Norris jumps in the water, he doesn't get wet....
the water gets chuck

If Chuck Norris is late, time better damn well slow down

When Chuck Norris was born, he round house kicked the docter after he slapped his behind.

Chuck Norris is his own father.

[OchrisO]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

[BlakeMP]

Santa Claus behaves himself all year because he knows that Chuck Norris is watching him.

[fernandito]

Giraffes were created after Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

[fernandito]

Here's a new take on one of the fan-favorite 300 scenes

[Letti]

[Letti]

Chuck Norris is his own father.

This one is priceless...

[Storyslinger]

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

[Jimmy]

Chuck Norris doesn't read, he stares down books until he gets the information he wants.

(I once saw graffitti on a wall which read - Chuck Norris wouldn't have needed the wall to write this.)

[Rjeso]

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

[Erin]

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

OMG. These 3 had me rolling.

[fernandito]

When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please".

[Rjeso]

Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

[Rjeso]

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris found a stillborn baby lamb and brought it back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the lamb sprang back to life, a crowd of the crew members gathered. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked the lamb's head off its neck, just to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and Chuck taketh away.