Domestic chores and responsibilities - Who does what?
If one spouse has a full time job and the other stays home with the kids how much of the cooking, cleaning, etc can the stay at home spouse reasonably expect the working spouse to do? (and yes, I'm having a disagreement about this issue at home)
*scratches head*
Have I asked this question before?
I guess that all depends on the kids situation. Are they little children requiring constant watching like toddlers do or are they in school during the day? Also would depend on how many children there are. Just one child requires different observation skills than three. Let's say three kids, all are in school. The working spouse has a reasonable expectation for the weekly cleaning chores, like vacuuming, dusting, and such) to be done while the kids are at school. The health of the at-home spouse also needs to be taken into account though. Let's assume good health right now.
Three kids in school, spouse in good health, I'd say most of the daily chores (washing dishes, fixing dinner, straightening up, etc.) should be done by the at-home spouse. Unless the other spouse is going to be OCD about seeing a speck of dust, in which case the OCD spouse need to get up and do it to suit themselves.
Just my opinion. I have no kids and we're both slobs, so we're cool in my home.
Margaret Emmie Mackey Catoe, you are, have been, and always will be my soulmate, and I love you.
Con todo mi corazon, por todo de mis dias. And I always will, in this life and into the next.
August 2, 1947 - September 24, 2010
Exactly dito what Sam said.
If the children are small and require more supervision then there should be some division of the chores around the house. Just my 2 cents.
We have a 3 and 5 year old. The 5 year old is in school from 8:30 to 3 three days a week, Mon, Wed. Friday. They're both in school on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. This seems like a rather large amount of time to get some stuff done. I don't deny that they can be a handful. They can really stress a person out. But for much of the day they're somewhat sedate and self sufficient. So, I'm kinda thinking that she really could do more than she does. She doesn't cook. She cleans only sparingly.
And I'm about as far away from being ocd as you can get. I just don't think she's using her time as efficiently as she could. If she were she'd be able to keep the kitchen clean and make dinner instead of everyone having to do some ad hoc bullshit for the evening meal every night. I'm willing to help. I've even told her that if she'd give me a list of things she'd like me to do I'll do it. But she refuses to do this. I think she just likes bitching about everything I don't do too much to settle the dispute with something as simple as a list of chores. If there's a list I'll know in no uncertain terms what is expected of me and she won't be able to use my supposed unwillingness/failure to help" to gain leverage in certain situations. Either that or maybe she knows that if she were to write down everything she wants me to do it might hit her just how unreasonable her expectations are.
Ahhh, I have this discussion often myself!
Let me just say Coz, that you won't win it. No matter how reasonable you are, no matter how much you make sense, you'll still be the baddie. It's something to do with staying at home with kids all/most of the day that drives you insane and turns you mean. You take out your frustrations on your partner as soon as they get in from work because they "escaped" for the day and you didn't. (Now I know that you've been at work and not really escaping, but the twisted stay at home mum mind does not choose to see it this way, even though we recognise it as the truth).
Seriously though, I work part time and have three children who are all now at school full time, I cook dinner and do all the housework - the problem in my house is opposite to yours in that my husband seems to think anything to do with the house and kids (unless its fun stuff) is my domain. But I see your point and to some degree your wife's. When the kids were part time at school and playgroup and before that when they were home all the time, I didn't want to spend any free time I had cleaning, I wanted to do something for myself like read etc. But, I think its a fair trade that if your partner is earning to pay the mortgage, rent, bills whatever then you should housekeep on top of daytime childcare. I don't think the working partner should be exempt of ALL chores, that's simply unfair - but there should be more than a 50/50 division on the at home partners side, as long as the working partner also does their fair share with the kids when they get home..
I think it all depends on how often the stay-at-home spouse is willing to put out.
I'd say she needs to be cooking dinner and doing most of the cleaning. If you have a yard and you took care of that, it would be cool. Or do some of the housework. But, she's home all day, the kids are in school quite a bit, and, yeah, I'm going to be mean and say it, it sounds like a) you're right, she wants to complain (and sounds like she's being a bit lazy, too) and b) she's home ALL DAY. WTF? Does she want to sit around and eat bonbons and do nothing?
Maybe you need to agree that one night a week you'll watch the kids and she can go out and do whatever - hang with the girls, shop, you know, get out of the house. Or, you take the kids somewhere and let her have the house to herself for a few hours. It may be all she needs is some time to herself. I know if I was home with a kid for more than 30 minutes I'd be slitting my wrists.
"People, especially children, aren't measured by their IQ. What's important about them is whether they're good or bad, and these children are bad." ~ Alan Bernard
"You needn't die happy when your day comes, but you must die satisfied, for you have lived your life from beginning to end and ka is always served." ~ Roland Deschain
what Irish Dawn said, the last sentence including
Ask not what bears can do for you, but what you can do for bears. (razz)
When one is in agreement with bears one is always correct. (mae)
bears are back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is funny in context, but let's remember that when reason turns cold, life can seem pretty dark. After all, what is marriage, really? What's it mean? Love each other, try not to fight. It's not easy for anyone. I just counsel whoever can to be patient, to seek peace.Originally Posted by ICry4Oy
I think it all depends on how often the stay-at-home spouse is willing to put out.
Hmmm...so I'm stuck with this shit until they're both in school full time. Fuck.
I do appreciate that and this is why I'm willing to help. I do the yard work, I had been in the habit of doing ALL of the laundry on the weekends which takes up the better part of the weekend (although, lately, she's been doing some laundry...not sure why) And I'm willing to help with big cleaning projects...like if we're having guests and the house needs to be thoroughly cleaned, cleaning out the garage, the basement, etc. But I really don't feel that I should be pressured to clean bathrooms, vacuum, dust, etc. Sometimes I think I might just start doing everything just do show her that if she just cleaned one room a day it would be relatively easy. But I'm afraid she might figure that if I can do it so easily I should just do it from now on. This is how she thinks.When the kids were part time at school and playgroup and before that when they were home all the time, I didn't want to spend any free time I had cleaning, I wanted to do something for myself like read etc.
Now thats what I really wanted to hear.
I think we both need a day like this and I'd be more than happy to make that happen...or...even better...if we could, once a week, get a sitter and go hang out with each other as a couple instead of parents that would be ideal.
All jokes aside, this actually has much more influence on my attitude towards helping out around the house than one might think.I think it all depends on how often the stay-at-home spouse is willing to put out.
If she knew how to work the sex angle I'd have no problem with her sitting around eating bonbons all day. I'd even stand next to the couch and feed them to her between dusting and vacuuming.
<-----WDSI'd say she needs to be cooking dinner and doing most of the cleaning. If you have a yard and you took care of that, it would be cool. Or do some of the housework. But, she's home all day, the kids are in school quite a bit, and, yeah, I'm going to be mean and say it, it sounds like a) you're right, she wants to complain (and sounds like she's being a bit lazy, too) and b) she's home ALL DAY. WTF? Does she want to sit around and eat bonbons and do nothing?
Maybe you need to agree that one night a week you'll watch the kids and she can go out and do whatever - hang with the girls, shop, you know, get out of the house. Or, you take the kids somewhere and let her have the house to herself for a few hours. It may be all she needs is some time to herself. I know if I was home with a kid for more than 30 minutes I'd be slitting my wrists.
"It's his eyes, Roland thought. They were wide and terrible, the eyes of a dragon in human form" - Roland seeing the Crimson King for the first time.
"When the King comes and the Tower falls, sai, all such pretty things as yours will be broken. Then there will be darkness and nothing but the howl of Discordia and the cries of the can toi" - From Song of Susannah
Ha! Pretty muchHmmm...so I'm stuck with this shit until they're both in school full time. Fuck.It is mind numbingly dull doing nothing but look after children all day every day, no matter how much you love them, so that's probably why your wife has become adverse to housework - because thats also dull as fuck! Maybe she just needs a light at the end of the tunnel, which leads on to what Daggers said...
My husband and I have an arrangement that Friday nights are mine and Saturday nights are his. If we can get a sitter, cool we both go out, but if not we both have one night of the weekend that we KNOW we're individually out for regardless - and it's a fucking lifesaver, seriously
Lisa, all you're kept around here for is to sit and look pretty and giggle a lot. Now get back in the kitchen and make me my supper, woman!
"It's his eyes, Roland thought. They were wide and terrible, the eyes of a dragon in human form" - Roland seeing the Crimson King for the first time.
"When the King comes and the Tower falls, sai, all such pretty things as yours will be broken. Then there will be darkness and nothing but the howl of Discordia and the cries of the can toi" - From Song of Susannah
What is WDS? (and I'm pronouncing it "wids" in my head.)<-----WDSI'd say she needs to be cooking dinner and doing most of the cleaning. If you have a yard and you took care of that, it would be cool. Or do some of the housework. But, she's home all day, the kids are in school quite a bit, and, yeah, I'm going to be mean and say it, it sounds like a) you're right, she wants to complain (and sounds like she's being a bit lazy, too) and b) she's home ALL DAY. WTF? Does she want to sit around and eat bonbons and do nothing?
Maybe you need to agree that one night a week you'll watch the kids and she can go out and do whatever - hang with the girls, shop, you know, get out of the house. Or, you take the kids somewhere and let her have the house to herself for a few hours. It may be all she needs is some time to herself. I know if I was home with a kid for more than 30 minutes I'd be slitting my wrists.
Brad, I know you are fairly smart...at least I thought so. Take a moment, breathe. Let the oxygen enter your brain for a little while and then think about it.
"It's his eyes, Roland thought. They were wide and terrible, the eyes of a dragon in human form" - Roland seeing the Crimson King for the first time.
"When the King comes and the Tower falls, sai, all such pretty things as yours will be broken. Then there will be darkness and nothing but the howl of Discordia and the cries of the can toi" - From Song of Susannah
I don't know, both my husband and I work, but there's certain things that I ALWAYS do, and then the rest is just divvied up into whenever it works for whoever's schedules or whims. Like I HATE doing dishes because I do it at Wendy's, so usually if I cook the dinner, then he'll wash the dishes for me. He has cooked twice for me the whole entire time we've been together, and it's something I like to do so it's something I do as much as possible. I ALWAYS do the cat box, and we split up the laundry. As for the rest of the scrubbing, well that's almost all me. Maybe you could ask wifey if you could please do the one thing she hates the most - whether you hate it or not- and that will be one thing off her plate? Like my husband can't stand the catbox and has only done it twice in our seven years when I was too sick, but I gladly do it. It's a quick easy chore but it means a lot for me to do it for him. Just an idea?
And as for the sex thing, well my two cents worth are if my hubby wanted to put out every day, well then I would just HAVE To do all the chores all the timeAnd with a smile on my face...
The one thing we fight about is he wants the dishes all put away from the drying rack and into the cabinet for when he comes home from work. Well he won't do it for me, for when I come home for work, so I usually just leave them in the drying rack.
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Here's the way it is in my house. My wife has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that has spread to her skeletal system. She is currently going through her second chemo treatment rounds (as in she had her first round in late 2007 and the cancer woke back up) which started in early October. Because of this, most of the time she's not able to do the chores.
As a result, I do the chores except for the laundry. That's the division of labor. I clean the kitchen, wash the dishes, fix the meals (yeah we eat out/take out a lot, but I also cook), and generally clean up after my wife. I also sweep once or twice every year whether the floor needs it or not. Seriously, I do clean the floors, just not every other day (hell, not every week). She does her laundry most of the time because apparently I don't do it to suit her. Mostly she does it so she feels like she's contributing to the household, but she also bitched that I didn't do it right the last time I washed her clothes. Even though I did it exactly the way she instructed me to.
As for the sex thing, that doesn't happen in our house anymore. Well, maybe every five or six months or so.
Margaret Emmie Mackey Catoe, you are, have been, and always will be my soulmate, and I love you.
Con todo mi corazon, por todo de mis dias. And I always will, in this life and into the next.
August 2, 1947 - September 24, 2010
What he said.
This thread either needs to be merged with the general help thread or turned into a thread about domestic chores and responsibilities and such. I vote for the latter.
In my house we both work so we both try to split up the household stuff equally. We work together on stuff. So we'll team up on the dishes and laundry and picking up. When I was on maternity leave and wasn't working the house was spic and fucking span. Everything was perfect. I felt like June Cleaver. And I was taking care of two kids, one a newborn, and exhausted because of a high dosage blood pressure medication that made me extremely drowsy all the time. So I would say that yes, unless something else is taking up her time, she should be able to get a lot of stuff done during the day while you are at work, Coz.
And I hope she never logs on here and sees this thread.
A true firewasp ninja would never wear such a ridiculous sweater.
There's logic in nonsense.
Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
The last thing you wanna do after work is house work. in my experience, if you let the house get to a certain level of disgusting, it is in the nature of ladies to clean it up, after alot of complaint. Just be ready for a week sleeping alone... then re-start the cycle.
As for the kiddie angle, i wouldn't know, thankfully. i'd just quit smoking or somthing and pay for someone to do that stuff with my extra cash... or let them turn feral.
"God pisses down your neck everyday, but only drowns you once.*
"When the shooting starts, we kill what moves. " - Roland Deschain
Bolding mine. WTF?
Cozener: since it's your thread, please think of a good name that would make it clear what the thread is about. Then it will be able to survive as it is, without merge.
Ask not what bears can do for you, but what you can do for bears. (razz)
When one is in agreement with bears one is always correct. (mae)
bears are back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*giggle*
Oh no you don't! You can't disappear for months on end and expect me to STILL be your bitch! Now YOU get in the kitchen and make MY dinner...hey nice ass!!What he said.
/slaps
And I hope she never logs on here and sees this thread.
Wids...naw...I wouldn't know anything bout no wids...
I think I have an idea of what might be taking up her time...Facebook.So I would say that yes, unless something else is taking up her time, she should be able to get a lot of stuff done during the day while you are at work, Coz.
And I hope she never logs on here and sees this thread.Maybe I should be talking about this there to get her attention. I understand what its like to be addicted to something like that but when I was an online gaming freak we didn't have any children. Once the kids started coming that stuff tapered off pretty quick.
If she did log in here you'd probably get the litany of shit that I don't do. I'm certainly not perfect. Sometimes it does take a reminder for me to do some things...weed wacking comes to mind. But damn. I was the one staying home for a while after our first kid was born and I always kept the kitchen clean, did the laundry, and cooked dinner. And it was very easy. If I can do that much I'm sure she can...especially seeing as how she has roughly 15 hours a week that she's child free let alone the little things she can do here and there when she does have one or both kids. In all fairness to her she does have more to worry about than I did when I was staying home. But still. I don't think that dinner and a clean kitchen are that much to ask.
Damn thats hot...Now YOU get in the kitchen and make MY dinner...hey nice ass!!
/slaps
As far as changing the name of the thread...hmmm ok...Hannah's suggestion works for me. "domestic chores and responsibilities". I like that because it doesn't necessarily have to be about the division of labor. Someone could just bitch about how they hate cleaning toilets or something.
My last boyfriend and I lived together for a while. Unfortunately, I was the one working, and he was the one unemployed, but no kids. I was also the only one actually cleaning. He would clean if I told him to do something specific before I left for work, and he would help me if I were to say "hey, give me a hand with this." For the first couple of months, anyway.
Personally, I think that if a person is spending 8 - 10 hours at work a day they should not have to come home to a messy house and no food made (unless they live alone). When I am living with another person, if I am not working I am at least keeping the place clean, usually baking muffins, and generally having dinner made for when they get home. Whether I'm "with them" or not. It is only fair.
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