Llamalady Poetry

[LadyHitchhiker]

"Pesky miles,
our geographical handicap
the only thing that prevents the smiles
from being fully tapped."

Great opening...captures the reader...tough to not read on.

Why thank ye sir

I'll make it into a song if I can come up with a tune... it definitely has more of a song feeling to it. And then I can sing it for you

[LadyHitchhiker]

Candy: 10-25-2009
It doesn't matter how much I have of it
it's never enough.
I roll my body in it
my candy-coated love.
Saccharine support
the only thing that gets me through the day
I build myself a fort.
Sweetness chips at the pain.
Elated
To have found my candy.
Never sated.
Almost randy
for my candy-coated love.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Blood (5-15-2009)

the taste of warm copper pours into my mouth
I lick my fangs
and scream out loud
I offer no thanks
for the cost of living forever
my impulses to which I give in
to always at the edge of my tether
I want to quit
I want to stop
But I need this to subsist
Either way I flop
I succumb
again and again
metallic sweetness on my tongue
again and again
sustaining my essence
Fed, yet empty I lurk away
a shadowy presence
to escape the upcoming brightness of day

[LadyHitchhiker]

Internal bleeding (10-20-2009)
I can't heal if I keep bleeding.
It's internal so you can't see.
I'm bleeding
out my essence
bleeding
out the presence
of me in my life.
The knife
loses feeling
in my hand
as I watch me ooze
back into the land.
The booze
and lack of me
makes me feel
as if I will be
soon whole, reunited.
The fight it
will be soon over.
And now I am much
colder
I've lost my touch.
I didn't realize I could ever bleed this much.

[LadyHitchhiker]

10-21-2009
Doublemint
your minty goodness
fills my mouth. Innint
it great to have something in this mess
of a world that works to help me to not
chew on my lips in stress?
Unfortunately it will probably make my teeth rot
but who really needs teeth
when you can for sure
pay money
to get dentures??????

[LadyHitchhiker]

Hidden (5-24-11)
I hid it so well
This precious Hell
the abuse
I refused
to myself.

There's no one I tell all the darkness to
For I love them too much
If they knew all the darkness I'd been through
they'd be in prison for too heavy a touch

It seems surreal
what I've escaped
To learn to feel
again to tape
up the broken pieces
(where do I start?)
glue up the broken pieces
(where do I start?)
mend all the broken pieces
of my heart.

I hid it so well
this precious hell
I almost did lose
all of myself.

Why is there shame
still inside me?
Is it because I can only blame
myself for not leaving?
Is it because I allowed
all of this to happen; didn't write the right letter?
Is it because I couldn't ever go
and make it better?

I hid it so well
this precious hell
I even hid it
from myself.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Running, Wilted, Yet Hopeful (5-24-11)
I'm wilted.
He's jilted.
I have no preparation
for confrontation:
I feel an inch
of it and I flinch.
I can barely spit out his name.
I was never good at the game.
And now that I fell
I wonder how do I rise from Hell?
How do I look him in the face?
Sure, he didn't leave a trace
of evidence of physical harm;
all he did was use his charm
as a weapon to reel me under his spell.
I never knew that trying would ever be such Hell.

They stood by and watched me fall;
No urge to run, so I had to crawl.
Crawl out of the black hole -
the one that nearly ripped out my soul.
The past is past
and those who were steadfast
supporting me either way,
those are worth the crawl.. at least today.

So many shades of grey
So many words left to say.
So many things I have to hide
and so a bit dies inside.

So much left unsaid
So many thoughts that should be dead,
Circling round and round in my nodes
where they'll stop, who really knows?

This all seems surreal:
to actually be allowed to feel,
to be allowed to think,
and if I wanted to, I could drink.

Before I always felt like running away
but I kept on with my days.
I don't know how this will end
I can't pretend
to know how my life will go
but at least now
that I am gone,
I have the chance to, where I want to go.

[LadyHitchhiker]

The Stand (5-24-11)

Since I know how low you can go
I wont let my anger show
You can't touch me, touch me, that I want you to know
Emotions trickle back, now I'm feeling so much more
You can't touch me, touch me, that I want you to know

Yes I've finally found a reason
to finally refuse
You don't get to use your hands
I don't want the abuse

Yes I've finally found a reason
to finally refuse
You don't get to use your hands
I don't want the abuse

You're always screaming at me
You can't touch me, touch me, that I want you to know
It never bothered you before
Now you stand and plead for more,
You can't touch me, touch me, that I want you to know

Yes I've finally found a reason
to finally refuse
You don't get to use your hands
I don't want the abuse

[LadyHitchhiker]

Asshole (5-27-11)
I will not let you cripple me
I will not let you stifle me
I will not let you steal
or damage
any more pieces of me
I will regain my rage.
I will regain my heart.
I will regain love.
I will take back the cards.
I don't play games with love.
My love is mine to give or revoke freely.

Commanding - You have to be in charge
Demanding - I better do it your way or else
Again, commanding - Yes, Sarge
Manipulating - making me feel bad if I don't help
Honesty - you never gave me
Fidelity - was subjective to you
Comfort - you never gave to me
Patience - was impossible for you
Controlling - how dare I think for myself?
Rudeness - behind their back, because you're too much a coward to insult them to their face.
Unsupportive - how dare you want to watch me make something of myself?
Crudeness - because it's fun to watch me squirm and lose face.
Monogamy - you used for your convenience
Kindness - you used if it got you anything
Happiness - such an inconvenience
Anger - you owned that about everything
Jealousy - you owned about all positive matters of life
Selflessness - something you were devoid
Communication - why would you want to know what goes on in the heart of your wife?
Romance - you were too annoyed
Blaming - It's of course all my fault
Shaming - make me feel bad for being me
Brainwashing - make sure I think "right" about it all
Training - slowly losing each part of me
Using - what can you get from me?
Abusing - isn't it fun to hurt me?
Rape - I better give it to you when you want it, the way you want
Patronizing - you're just doing this because "you love me"
Insulting - you don't like me for who I am, of course you'll taunt
Punishing - again, just doing this because "you love me"
Trust - of course I'm supposed to trust you about everything
Pain - a tool in the game you used
Reality - is what you thrust over me about everything
Rage - a tool to keep me in fear, that you used
Faith - how can you believe in anything when you think the world is there to serve you?
How can you believe in anything when you think the whole world is out to hurt you?
How could I ever believe that I loved you?

Now I have a choice
to love who I want.
I can rejoice
in each day not hearing the taunts
It'll take a while to reset the programming
- Waiting for the other shoe to drop -
and the condemning
- I don't quite believe yet that it's stopped.
Not being punished for what I think or feel.
To be me again... is this real?
It's so surreal
having emotions
Learning to feel
And not worry about repercussions.
I've come a long way
but I still have a long way to go
until it's clear in my head
that I don't have to deal, with the asshole.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Resignation (5-27-11)
I cringe when I hear your name
or when it crosses my lips
So I revert to calling you nicknames
whatever from my mouth slips.
Don't you know I'm not your slave anymore;
Not your dirty little whore?
Don't you know I don't have to be as brave anymore
Or tiptoe across the floor?
After living half a life
for so many years
I've resigned as being your wife;
I'm giving up the tears.


Raw (5-31-11)

He left me raw
on the inside
Not just my heart
but my soul, my mind...

When I was sick I still had to perform
(it's more lubrication)
And forced to watch that sick stuff (the dirtiest stuff) he called porn
(it was part of my station).

There were times it was so painful to go to the bathroom
after he supposedly "loved me"
There were times I thought it easier if he ended up in a tomb
It would have been an easier way out for me.

How I let myself fall into the delusion
slowly boiled towards death
Crazymaking, constant confusion
Losing out of life's precious depth.

Left for dying,
once my soul died until I was dead
I had to start trying;
find the strength to live instead.

Burn the Motherfucking Bed! (5-31-11)
I'm fighting for the bed
I paid for it
I can burn it
I don't want it
If I set the mattress on fire
will the darkness expire
that was cultivated for so many years
Just left angry enough not to have tears
I don't want to remember what happened there
there's no way I can ever sleep there
So if I burn the bed
will the memories finally be dead?

No Vacancy (5-31-11)
Don't worry I won't cry for you.
If there are any tears left,
they would be shed because of the time I wasted with you;
Years that I could have been building up myself
instead of crashing down
And don't worry
I won't tell EVERYONE in town
And don't hurry
to rush back by my side.
There's no room left for you.

No vacancy
states the door on my heart -
at least for you, you see.
To quote from you: "I know it's hard"...
But my love is a gated community.


Letter to the Unworthy (6-6-11)
Thank you.
For showing me what I don't want for my future.
Thank you.
For showing me how to be more sure.
Thank you.
For showing me what I don't want in a relationship.
Thank you.
For putting me through all that shit.
Thank you.
For teaching me so may lessons, quite valid.
Thank you.
For telling me I wasn't tan enough; too pallid.
Thank you.
For asking me to kill myself when I was stricken by grief.
Thank you
for being your self; for giving me enough reasons to leave.

I won't ever say I was sorry.
I was an excellent wife.
I won't ever say I was sorry
that I ended that part of my life.
I won't ever say I was sorry
for giving my all.
I won't ever say I'm sorry
for loving at all.

I won't say "I'll never love again"
because that you didn't take from me.
I never gave up on love completely, and in the end
That's something you'll never take from me.

I'll just say I'm sorry
that you couldn't appreciate what you had.
I'll just say I'm sorry
that you had to be so bad.
I'll just say I'm sorry
for wasting so much love on you
I'll just say I'm sorry
and I won't ever fall again for anyone like you.
I won't ever say I'm sorry
for trying as hard as I did
I'm just sorry
it was you that I tried so hard with.

You were a shitty husband;
I was a wonderful wife.
You are so not worth it
You're so not worthy of being in my life.

[LadyHitchhiker]

I don't know if this one's finished yet
Breathe (6-7-11)
I can breathe
Pretty pretty please
Just leave
So I can breathe

Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away
I was innocent
Hadn’t been hurt yet.
I believed in love lasting and true
But then I didn’t find it
So I settled for you.
Now I’m finding there are men in the world
Who like me for me

And I can breathe
I can breathe
Now that I had to leave
I can breathe

[candy]

you have had a busy day Liz, love that you are getting all your feelings into your poetry at the moment

(although my favourite is candy - for the obvious reasons)

[LadyHitchhiker]

That's one of my favorites of all times for many reasons, including you

[LadyHitchhiker]

Salt (6-6-11)
Never so anxious and never so patient.
Since I purged the poison from my system
and took love in instead.
I don't miss being with him.
How strange how quickly the love fades
the loyalty, the dedication
lost are the grey shades
the obligations
Everything is clear as a blue diamond
the one he never gave me.
He critiqued me like Simon
Nothing was good enough you see.
Mean people love meanly
and I am done with that
I mean, now I see this
and I know I can't function with that.
I can't handle two-dimensional angry individuals
in my life.
I wanted a husband, but not an asshole;
but besides all that I was a wonderful wife.
It was something of which I excelled
to care for another, to give
but one should not have to go through hell
in order to learn how to live.
How transparent you are now that I am away.
All the crazy-making, the mind games.
I can now say no, and walk away
and with that I will build up a wall away from the shame.
That illogical shame that lives inside.
Like any of this was my fault?
The salt in my brain
that burned away my boundaries like salt
in an open wound.
I will be stronger than ever before, soon.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Soooooooooo I found a bunch of my old poetry (Yay)

Sad part is I think most of it is shit. Mostly because a lot of it is inspired bullshit from being brainwashed.

A little frustrating... so it might just be new stuff for a while :$

Or at least until I weed out the bullshit out of the 10 notebooks of poetry I have.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Enough (6-13-11)

I'm not compliant enough.

I'm not defiant enough.

I don't walk enough.

I don't talk enough.

I’m not smart enough

I’m not mean enough

I’m not clean enough

I don’t like sex enough.

My boobs aren’t perky enough

I don’t like not having sex enough.

I’m not pretty enough.

My tummy’s not flat enough.

I don’t like porn enough.

My hair’s not shorn enough.

My hair’s not blond enough.

I’m not fond enough.

I’m not petty enough.

I’m not nice enough

I don’t think twice enough

I’m not perfect enough

I’m not kind enough

I don’t empty my mind enough

I’m not girly enough

I’m not tough enough

I’m not dumb enough.

I’m not old enough.

I’m not young enough.

I’m not told enough.

I’m not calm enough.

I’m not tan enough.

I don’t like people enough.

I don’t go to the steeple enough.

I don’t stay away from church enough.

I don’t let myself be left in the lurch enough.

I’m not patient enough.

I’m not fashionable enough.

I’m not impatient enough.

I don’t wear the right shoes enough.

I don’t choose the right things enough.

I don’t drive enough.

I don’t keep quiet enough.

I don’t drive right enough.

I don't love enough.

I don't not love enough.

I don't give space enough.

I don't give too much space enough.

If I am not enough for you to love
Then you are not enough for my love.

I need to be enough for me.
Love is enough for me.

Enough! Enough! Enough!
Enough with me, not being enough, enough, for you.
I need to be enough for those I love, and this I know is true.

[Jean]

Liz, it's a masterpiece.

[LadyHitchhiker]

*jaw drops* Really? I don't even have words to express my appreciation for you, Jean.

[LadyHitchhiker]

It was the most raw and honest exploration of my feelings at the moment and who I think I need to be. I need to start saying enough... Not just giving everything to everyone. Giving to those who are unworthy of being in my life. Fortuantely, there are still a lot of worthy people out there.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Sage (6-19-11)

I believed you loved me.
I believed you would never leave me.
I believed (for a while) you thought no one was above me.
I believed you would be with me for eternity.

I believed in you:
A delusion.
I believed in you:
Sorry, my confusion.
I believed in who I thought you were;
I know now, that I was wrong.
I didn't believe in who you really were,
And so I could not be strong.

I lost almost all I believed in,
but mostly I lost my belief in me.
And when the grief was its least thin
I wished you had just decided to leave me.

People tell me there are two sides of a relationship.
It takes two to make it work, and two to make it fail.
I'm sick of all that bullshit.
I'm letting loose my sails.

I would never have asked you to kill yourself
when you were feeling at your worst.
I would never care about only myself,
or to exchange pet names with a curse.

I would never have asked you to do anything you didn't want to do in bed
(Except when it was good, maybe more to have)
And I would not spend 8.5 years comparing you to my ex-boyfriend -
Even though I should have.

I would never have withdrawn
When I felt that you needed my support.
Now I realize I was just a pawn.
And I had some comfort.
I really really thought you were a sociopath,
So you probably couldn’t help the way you are.
But now you just may be a narcissist ass
And that would mean you made choices to be where you are.

You made the choice to be bad.
You made the choice to be mean.
You made the choice to enjoy me being sad.
You enjoyed making me feel unclean.

And now the journey, the horribly hard journey is before me.
It’s so hard to really think about me, and my interests.
Because to do that, is to be like him; to put anyone else not before me:
It’s the one thing I completely have fought to keep for myself.:
To give, to love, without expecting to receive back
(although sometimes that would be nice)
To stuff the anger down, or at least until I’ve been driven past all logical rational emotional barriers, and blow my stack

To share my anger
Means to me I’m more like him
It’s a stranger
Nothing good has it accomplished.

Anger, secondary emotion
Hiding pain
And other commotion
Inside the heart, the soul, the brain.

I feel I must refrain.
For who am I to act out my rage?
I am him, or I feel him again in my brain.
I want to let him go, be gone from the stage.
I want to be of love, to be loved, to be in love, to love love,
I wish to be sage.

I know that anger is neither negative or positive.
(It’s what you do with it)
But I have not been a witness to it propelling positive reactions
In the last almost decade I’ve lived
Perhaps longer.
But I have to learn to utilize it and let it motivate me to change for the better somehow.
Because only that way will I be stronger.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Thousand Forgivings (6-19-11)

I forgave you once, a thousand times.
I listened to all your shallow lines.
And now that you're gone
you're still on my mind?!?!?

I don't know if there's any forgiveness left in me - Not for you.
Maybe it will come in time, but I'm sorry, it may be true.
Perhaps God can take the darkness from my heart;
leave me filled with light and a new start.

And I'm not sorry to you that I may not find the forgiveness.
I'm sorry for myself.
I want to be able to move forward, not regress.
I want to find strength and love within myself.

I thought I forgave you months ago.
Not really your fault being a sociopath
But the more the time goes
the more unresolved the wrath
is... the more I dig up what you did to me -
That I blocked being in flight or fight response,
trying to survive... kidding me
all of me and trying to make the right response.

I forgave you once, a thousand times.
I listened to all your thousand lies
And now that you're gone
I will no longer try.

I'm done with thousands of forgivings.
I'm going to find a better way of living.

[LadyHitchhiker]

An old one, about suicide, and autumn.

Almost a Dream (10-09-2009)

In a clearing
almost a dream
I stand
barefoot
waiting for absolution
waiting for resolution
waiting for the future

while the world dies
and spins
and falls
and changes
color dwindling
color growing
my decision grows clear

air crisp
toes crinkling through the desolation
wondering why death is so pretty
and rebirth so uniform
waiting for the reincarnation
waiting for the revolution
of season
I still stay here.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Bad Roads (1-3-2010)
The autonomy
of cars
brings my misanthropy
of drivers
the ice covers the roads
and yet fast they go
no turn signals
no warning of movement
they may end up regretful
freezing rain covers the white pavement
skating rink roads ensue
no salt yet to lessen the agonizing plight
and so
I drive in fear.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Mirror (6-8-11)
The inspirational mirror of your eyes
makes the world shine clear;
the whisper of your gentle sighs
hold my heart fast, close, dear.
I see something inside that mirror that I never did before.
I see a door now open; in your eyes I see you adore.
I see a beauty I never knew existed.
I see a light int he darkest coldest tunnels of space.
I see how my worth was always twisted.
Now a nibble, now a taste.
I want to swallow
your love whole.
Before I was hollow
trapped under the thumb of power and control.
Now I realize,
when I look in the mirror,
i see past the abuse and the lies
that left me in terror before.
i see in your eyes so green
the beauty that is there,
and has always been,
and how much you care -
despite or because of me.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Star-crossed Lovers (6-8-11)
The stars envy us
for the intensity
the brightness
of our romance transcending infinity.
We have awaited an eternity
longer and father away
than those same stars boiling in the sky
but still seeing a shimmer, a glimmer of each other's beauty
in the darkest of our nights
the stars envy our proximity,
they burn, boil, and blind with jealousy
there has never been a love quite like this to cross the stretches of eternity
Faces turned into the darkness
seeing each other's gleam of life
the beacon that makes the distance less
make more inconsequential our daily strife
shines brighter than a thousand stars
but sometimes the dark spaces in between are so black
but we have to travel in between the worlds
following love is the only track.