Beat My Joke

[razz]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

[razz]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Sam]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[Claude Clay]

a man had a dog with no legs--he called him cigarette.

once a day he would put the leash on and take him for a drag.

[razz]

who cares what the dog was called, it wasn't coming anyways

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

A man dies and goes to Hell. As he approaches Satan he realizes where he is, and he gets very upset. He begins to plead, saying that he hadnt lived a bad life. He just liked to have a good time. He didnt feel like he had hurt anyone, so how had it happened that he had ended up in hell.
Satan begins to console him, saying" Ahh come on, its not that bad. You like to drink dont you?"
"Well, yeah.....yeah I like to drink." the man replies.
"Then your gonna like Thursdays" says Satan. " Yeah Thursday is drink night in Hell. We've got whiskey, vodka, beer, wine.....what ever you like. And the best part is that there is no hangover the next day because....well.....you're already dead"
The man begins to perk up a little. "Well that sounds alright" he says.
"You like drugs?" Satan continues.
"Sure, I like drugs" The man states, now becoming more enthusiastic.
"Well then you'll like Fridays" says Satan. "Friday is Drug Day in Hell. Yep, we got pot, coke, crack, smack, acid.....whatever your poison. And the best part is.. its all free...and good quality too."
Now becoming a little excited, the man says "Well that sounds pretty good... but, I guess there has to be a catch."
"No catch" replies Satan. " I mean...........You ARE gay aren't you"
"No.......No I'm not gay at all" says the man"

"Oh.........Weeelllllllll.....Saturdays are gonna be a little rough then"

[idk, my bff jill?]

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
-Steven Wright

[Ka-tet]

So theres two muffins cooking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man is it hot in here" to which the second muffin replys "HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

So theres two muffins cooking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man is it hot in here" to which the second muffin replys "HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Look at the first joke of this thread.........Ka is a wheel.
haha

[razz]

-_-

same poster too XD

[William50]

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

[razz]

[William50]

I agree, razz.

[idk, my bff jill?]

Herpes.
That's what's wrong with it.

[William50]

h..h..h..herpes???

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

How do you make a clown stop laughing?

spoiler

Hit him in the face with an axe!

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

Here is a good story.

My niece, at about 2 years old, was with my family at church. Noone was paying close attention to her, and when my mother looked over at her, she spied her busily scribbling in the hymnal. My mother, of course, told her to stop. My niece replied, " But nobody can see me." My mother then solemnly told her that "Jesus can see you". At this point my neice was quiet for a few minutes, and we thought that it was over. Then my mom looked over and saw these big tears rolling down my niece's face. My mom asked her what was wrong and she blurted out " Do you thing Jesus will call the cops?"

[Ka-tet]

So theres two muffins cooking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man is it hot in here" to which the second muffin replys "HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Look at the first joke of this thread.........Ka is a wheel.
haha

Indeed, it has been a while lol.

[IWasSentWest]

i read an excerpt from sai king in my lit. book and he told this one, so i shall share before i write my real one...what's the difference between a truckload full of babies and a truckload full of bowling balls.

you can't unload a truckload full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.....ouch

-----------------------

ok here we go:

a ten year old kid is walking down the street, dragging a flattened frog by a string. he walks into the local brothel, and starts talking to the lady. he tells the woman that he wants any whore she's got that has an std. the woman, who is puzzled, obliges because hell she's already doing things illegal, might as well make some dough. so she tells the boy "go to the first door on the right"
ten minutes later, the boy walks out, after having sex with the whore. before he can walk out the door, the puzzled woman asks "why did you want a prostitute of mine who had an std?". the boy then smiles and responds "when i leave here, i am going home to my babysitter. she likes to fondle and fuck little boys. when my parents get home, my dad will then take the girl home, during which he will fuck her because he likes younger woman. once he get's home, him and my mom will have sex because, well, that's what married people do. and when my dad goes to work in the morning, my mom will fuck the mail man. and that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog"

[razz]

a bit risque but nothing unheard before I think. :/
also, big pic

Spoiler:

[IWasSentWest]

haha i like that one

[razz]

Once, there was a boy who loved to read. He read everything he could get his hands on, and loved going to his favorite book store. One day, the boy realized he had read everything the store had to offer. He confronted the owner, and asked him if he had anything the boy had never checked out. The owner said why, yes, I do, and pulled out a book called “Death”. He gladly sold it to the boy at a discounted price of $50. However, he warned the boy, never to read the front page.

Well, the boy returned to his house and read the book, and he was content. However, he always wondered, what could be on that front page, it was always in the back of his mind. One day, the temptation was too much for the boy, and he flipped to the very front of the book, and dropped the book in HORROR.

There, in bold print, was MSRP $6.99

[razz]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[rosie real]

[razz]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:




"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"