Beat My Joke

[The Lady of Shadows]

How many dogs does is take to change a lightbulb?

1. Golden Retrievers: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collies: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshunds: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweilers: Make me.

5. Boxers: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Labs: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherds: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terriers: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dogs: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniels: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahuas: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhounds: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherds: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodles: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



How many cats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

[B Rag]

[B Rag]

vin deisel or chuck norris. YOU decide!

i wonder if it would be merged if i were to create a thread. abotu this.

You definately should, or else it won't be long before the topic takes over this thread!

By the way; In the beginning, God said, "Let there be light." And Chuck Norris said, "Only if you say 'please'!"

[LadyHitchhiker]

Ts you rock!!!!

[The Lady of Shadows]

Ts you rock!!!!

::bows modestly::

yet i am still not a part of the llamatet. although could i stay a turtle in the llamatet? ::worried::

[leaveittobeezer]

A man is in the doctor's office. The doctor enters and says "Sir, I'm afraid that you are going to have to stop masturbating."
The man, shocked, says "Doctor, why is that?"
The doctor says "Because, sir, I need to examine you."

[razz]

dammit! you owe me a new Pepsi!

[B Rag]

[razz]

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"

[LadyHitchhiker]

found this on craigslist...sort of appropriate for the number of people who keep putting their dogs up for adoption when they find out they are going to have kids.....
After two long years of being on a waiting list for an agility dog, we have been notified by the breeder that, at long last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!!!

We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be arriving on Monday we MUST place the children into rescue this weekend!

They are described as:

One male - His name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Does have problems with peeing directly in the toilet. Has had chicken Pox and is current on all shots. Tonsils have already been removed. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained & gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little training he should be able to read soon.

One female - Her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament tested but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy & can be affectionate. Gets along well with other little girls & little boys but does not like to share her toys and therefore would do best in a one child household. She is a very quick learner and is currently working on her house training-shouldn't take long at all.

We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right for them; that is why we contacted a rescue group. But we simply can no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy.

I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have a real emergency here!!! They MUST be placed into your rescue by Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has to be our new puppy.

[razz]

that's me in ten years.

[BeDaN]

Ok I heard this one, it's a little raunchy and I apologize to the women because it's kinda nasty, so i'm gonna put it in a spoiler be warned.

Spoiler:

Why did God give women yeast infections?


So they would know what it's like to live with a dirty cunt.

[cappsy]

here's a couple DW jokes i leik
What goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?
A Time Lord committing suicide.

what does a catholic dalek say?
EXCOMMUNICATE!!!!

there only supposed to be nine bang thuds sorry it was buggin me

[razz]

touche'

[alinda]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when
> the
> Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
>
> WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get
> married
> Again?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
>
> WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
>
> HUSBAND : 'Of course I do.'
>
> WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
>
> WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
>
> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>
> WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
>
> WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
>
> WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
>
> W IFE : 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to
> do.'
>
> WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
>
> WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?
>
> HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'
>
> WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?
>
> HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'
>
> WIFE: -- silence --
>
> HUSBAND: 'sh**...
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>

[leaveittobeezer]

haha good one

[leaveittobeezer]

An elderly couple are getting on in years and are worried that they may be developing Alzheimer's. So they go to their doctor who proceeds to run a battery of tests.

When the tests come back, the doctor calls them up & tells them that they are negative for Alzheimer's. They are just getting old & forgetfullness is normal. he tells them merely to write things down that they would like to remember.

That night they are watching Wheel of Fortune when the husband gets up and walks toward the kitchen.
"Where are you going?" asks the wife.
"I'm going to get some ice cream," he replies.
"That sounds delicious. Bring me a bowl of chocolate," the wife says. "And write it down like the doctor said to"
"I think I can remember chocolate ice cream, dear," he grumbles.
"But I'd like sprinkles & whipped cream & a cherry as well," she says, "So write it down, please."
Her husband assures her that he can remember and heads into the kitchen.
He comes out 10 minutes later and hands her a plate of bacon & eggs. She looks at the plate angrily and then glares at her husband.
"You see? I told you that you needed to write it down... you forgot my fucking toast!"

[Jackie]

A robber opened a window and stepped in a house. He clicked on his flashlight and started to look for electrionics and valuables. He Un-plugged a dvd player and put it in his nap sack. All of the sudden he heard a disembodied voice say "Jesus is watching you"

He froze where he was and clicked his flashlight off. After a while he turned his flashlight on and went back to business. As he went to un-plug the stero he once again heard the disembodied voice. This time he scanned the room with the flashlight till he found a bird cage. He said to the bird "Who are you?" The bird said "I'm Moses" The robber says "What kind of people name a bird Moses?!" The bird replies "The same kind of people who name a three hundred rotwiler Jesus"

[LadyHitchhiker]

Ts you rock!!!!

::bows modestly::

yet i am still not a part of the llamatet. although could i stay a turtle in the llamatet? ::worried::

Absolutely or you could be a turtlellama or a llamaturtle... whatever you want!!!!!!

[LadyHitchhiker]

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Red!!!

[LadyHitchhiker]

THREE WOMEN,TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,

WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

'THAT WAS MY PAGER ,SHE SAID.I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER

THE SKIN OF MY ARM.'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.

THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,

THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE ,I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.

NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........

WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX ' !!

[LadyHitchhiker]

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ..

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store...do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular,'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a trans planted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin.' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the predicti on of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

[LadyHitchhiker]

I don't care if you lick windows,

take the special bus

or occasionally pee on yourself..

You hang in there sunshine, you're definitely special

[LadyHitchhiker]

From a retired teacher !



These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by
teachers in the New York City Public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold
it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
[these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them awhile.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of&nbs p;
the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.

Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'



7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, Fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'


4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. It's good to know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.........Sign here.'

[razz]

proof that George Bush is retarded: a Who's on first spoof

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.