The answer is within
all matter is energy, all energy is GOD
I wanted to show this funny conversation to a friend.
Spoiler:
This collecting stuff is a sickness! ~Patrick
Okay. First let me give you a little bit of an idea of what kind of girl I am.
I do not ask for help, it is a very, very rare occasion that I need to. I could be carrying 18+ grocery bags, and have five male friends around me who would be willing to carry them, and still not ask for their help. And they don't offer because they learned early on that I will bite when offered help. When asked why they don't help me, they usually reply "because if I try, she will either hit me, yell at me, push me, or simply ignore me. Its Russian Roulette." I don't hit them, that's just them being funny, but I don't let them help. I refuse help from my family on a daily basis. Why? Because I KNOW what to do. I have all the right advice, and people come to me for help, so I just apply my own advice to my life, and I'm generally good. And besides, carrying a tonne of grocery bags is good exercise, which I sorely need. I'm stubborn, and I don't like asking for help. I'm prideful. (Its my damnable Swedish pride.) That being said:
There is this guy at work that I'm friends with. We hang out sometimes, and we chat, and we play the WoW TCG sometimes (I hate WoW, but the TCG is like M:TG, so I play it). He's really cool, and we get along fairly well.
Now you see, when we started hanging out I was dating this guy, Phil, who broke up with me in December, but who I was head-over-heels in love with. He was being a dick at the end, so I got over him fairly quickly (one of the good things about being me is that while I get terribly upset about things, I don't STAY upset about them for very long - I'm always finding things to keep myself occupied, and so never dwell on things), and I don't have anything to do with him anymore.
And the guy from work, Blue, was dating another friend of mine, Cory, who is moving at the end of March. But they broke up at some point as well. I really like Cory. She's awesome, beyond awesome.
Now the problem is, while hanging out with him recently, I have started to develop feelings for Blue which are more than platonic. And while I normally have no problem having a crush on someone (I go through cyclic phases of random crushes on random people who I know), and never feel awkward about it while they are around, for some reason I am feeling very awkward around Blue because of this crush. Like I want to tell him, but something in me is afraid.
I've been through this before, wanting to tell someone but being afraid. It usually ends in regret on my part. But I'm generally content with not telling them, because I know its just a part of the cycle. The only problem is, part of me doesn't want this to be part of the cycle, it wants it to be completely outside the cycle, and wants to tell him that I maybe want to go out with him on a date sometime.
Meanwhile, another part of me wants it to remain part of the cycle, and just go on being friends with Blue, instead of risking the relationship I already have with him to find out that, hey, he doesn't want to date me...
Last time I felt this way, I kept it bottled up and ended up wishing I hadn't... But I'm afraid I'll end up wishing I had, if I don't. Which is another part of the cycle, which I have been content with until recently. I'm not normally the kind to go into another relationship so soon after a break-up. Its only been about 3 months (beginning of December). But I don't... I don't know what to do, because part of me is definitely screaming yes, and part of me is positively shrieking no.
So I'm at a loss, and I find myself doing the one thing I almost never do. I'm asking for help. Help?
Random PM's are loved!
Call me Can.
Discord Tag: Can*/Tommy (They/Them pronouns)#5588
< billn> so pizza hut has that field in the online order form, for special instructions?
< billn> I put 'driver must beat box.'
< billn> turns out, he could.
Elodin: "Tombs is for feckless twits who can't chew their own food. My boy's a Re'lar! He has the feck of twenty men!"
Kvothe: “Books are a poor substitute for female companionship, but they are easier to find.”
Simmon: ”It’s just ointment in case you get burned...but if you mix it with piss, it turns into candy.” Sim’s expression was deadpan. “Delicious candy.”
Your almond eyes await
You posed a question
As I think back to that day
And chuckle at my internal debate
“Is this a trapdoor, camouflaged by beautiful brown hair?”
My thoughts raced, in time with my pounding heart.
Pounding harder than a man’s pecs can take
Can this poor boy become Love’s millionaire?
Softly you repeat your question
Two deep umber pools express your anticipation
A flash of your eyes sends lightning through my veins
A flush of heat divulges my love, and my infatuation.
I take your arm, your question not repressed
Caressing soft skin, fingernails to elbow.
Carelessly twirling your chestnut hair, lightly brushing the skin beneath.
I think of the angel speaking to me, and know that I am blest.
Your third attempt at an answer leaves you in doubt
But you cannot know, your question leaves me so… breathless
The epitome of beauty and purity, speaks softly, and to my soul.
The one who fate would never let me live without.
Your question, in a husky voice, posed thrice.
After removing myself from the dream world in which we met
I think to myself “This question begs an answer does it not?”
I look at your eyes and you figure, made by God to be my vice.
I take your hand in mine.
Two hands become one
Instinctively, our fingers intertwine
Then that’s what we’ll do
I say “Yes baby… I’ll marry you!”
All that's left of what we were is what we have become.
"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." Nelson Mandela, Winner of the Nobel Peace Prize
The answer is within
Lynch the lobsters!
All that's left of what we were is what we have become.
Hooks in you, Hooks in me. Hooks in the ceiling for that well hung feeling.
All that's left of what we were is what we have become.
Talking to my friends on a chat room
kuatsu742: nice
"Tough titty said the kitty"---Blaine the mono
"Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken!"- Eddie Dean
[quote]Aidan, a man of twenty years, swooped into the safe house through the uppermost window he had left open just for this occasion. The nation was falling apart... the entire royal family, murdered, and by his hand. His dark green eyes seemed to glow on this dark night, only to be seen by the light provided to others by the crescent moon that hung in the night sky. Not a cloud in sight of this sky though. He felt a breeze, and shuddered; it was quite cold tonight. His auburn hair blew across his face, but he pushed it away with his own hand. The hair went down to his neck, and was straight in particular. Only five hours ago he had been covered in blood, and discovered by the knights of the castle. He knew his master knew as he had seen numerous other assassins descending upon the town, looking for he, Aidan who had hid in the clock tower.[/u]
1. The punctuation seems off to me. I would try something more along the lines of “through the uppermost window, which he had left open earlier so that he could do so.” Or something along those lines.
2. Should be capitalized, even after an ellipses (...).
3. What does this mean? “Straight in particular”? I’m not sure what this is getting across. Try using a different word, one that more fits the flow.
Originally Posted by ”Merriam-Webster Definition”
1. Capitalization after an ellipses. It isn’t necessarily mandatory, but it looks a lot better when it is. It is, technically, the start of a new sentence.Aidan wondered when his master... and lover would be here. Aidan knew his death was swiftly coming upon him. Sighing, he threw the black cloak he had worn to cover himself this night, the night to be remembered as the royal families massacre. He of course had undone the hood, had he thrown it with the hood still hooked together, it would have just flown up, and fallen back to where it had been before. He wore a cotton dyed black shirt, and matching slacks. His dark boots which held two concealed daggers, one for each boot seemed to be especially dangerous tonight.
2. This isn’t a particularly relevant fact. I would try to word it shorter. Something along the lines of “He had undone the hood so that the cloak would not simply fall right to the floor.” Something along those lines. Minor details should be written in quick sentences.
3. “His dark boots, each of which concealed a dagger, seems to be especially dangerous tonight.” The way you worded it was murky and drawn out. Try to maybe write it cleaner, use less words but still give the same effect.
1. This should probably read “but he did not find anything.” or something along those lines. “But found nothing amiss.” Seems to fit more with the wording in your story.Aidan had scanned the safe house after entering, finding nothing. He let his guard down, only by a little. An assassin had to be on guard at least a little, or his enemies would indeed kill him. His enemies though had he known he had any if any indeed claimed him as one, were not of his concern this night though. His teacher, his master, his bed sharer, the person in this world he cared the most about besides himself was to be the one to drain his life away...
2. “But only by a bit.” Or something like that would fit better here. I think it would better suggest a reluctance to let his guard down.
3. “Had to always be on guard, on one level or another, or his enemies would indeed destroy him.” seems to fit better. Or, you know, something like that.
4. The language here is murky due to lack of comma’s. Try putting a , in there at appropriate pause points. Like “his enemies though, had he known”. That is an appropriate place to put a comma.
5. “His teacher, his master, the one with whom he shared his bed - the person in this world he cared the most about besides himself - was to be the one to drain his life away...” Try using a hyphen between parts of a long sentence so they don’t actually run on. Also, repetition can be annoying. Constantly saying “his this, his that, his blah-blah” can get on a readers nerves. The way I’ve written it flows better.
1. Too wordy, again. It should be “auburn haired youth,” which cuts out an unneeded word, and looks better.The auburn hair colored youth had no conciseness this night... The royal family he had just killed; a king, a queen, two princesses, and a prince, none deserved his sympathy. They were the very people who had taken everything from him eight years ago. A simple rule all assassins adhered to in this country was known as The Assassin's Creed. Number one; once a target is marked, no other may attempt to assassin that target, number two; no taking jobs from those who threaten this country in anyway, shape or form, or job that is of equal consequence, and number three; no harming the royal family through sickness, heartache, injury, or death.
2. “Conciseness”? I think this is a misused word. This means free of elaboration and superfluous detail. I think that the word you wanted was “conscience”. As in “my conscience is killing me because I’ve cheated on my wife.”
3. “Prince - none deserved...” Again, this is a good place to use a hyphen. It makes the sentence flow better.
4. Because the Creed consists of three rules, you should change this to “simple rules all assassins adhered to.” Its semantics. I argue it with my brother all the time.
5. Assassinate. The word you should have used was assassinate. “No other may attempt to assassinate that target.” In facty, you’ve also got the use of the semi-colon’s backwards. It should be at the end of a “Number.” As in “Number one, once a target is marked, no other may attempt to assassinate that target; number two...”
1. The words here aren’t punctuated properly. “Of them all, the third, Aidan had broken.” or something along these lines, would work better.The most important creed of them all the third, and he, Aidan had broken it. He had sat himself down at the table where he, and his master would eat their meals together, chattering about things from past affairs, to weather, to simple gossip. Hard to believe, only yesterday everything seemed as it would go on as it had for the last six years. He smiled, and a single tear from those dark green eyes made it's way down his fact, until it descended upon the floor where only a critter of extraordinary hearing would hear.
"Master..." murmured Aidan. He was thankful it would be his master to kill him... Anyone else he would fight back, but against the master that had taught him everything from learning to value life to taking away that life.
His dark green eyes showed a sign of repent, not for the family he had murdered, but for the pain he had caused his lover, and master. However, those eyes went from repent to solitude, all knowing they would die here tonight alone in a sense. His lover would not hold him as he died, Aidan knew that...
2. No need for a comma here. Just “he and his mater” works fine.
3. I think you mean “his face,” not “his fact.”
4. This would fit better as “would have heard it.” Or something similar to that.
5. This entire sentence is off. It doesn’t end, it just kind of wanders and stops short. ‘Anyone else he would fight back, should they come to destroy him - but against the master, who had taught him everything from how to value life to how to end it, he would not.” Would be a much better way to get the point across.
6. “Repentance” is the word I think you meant here. “Showed a sign of repentance, not for the family...”
7. Again, wrong version of the word. “Repentance to solitude.”
1. Punctuation and an unneeded ellipses. It should look more like “forget the night, either, which has started all of this sadness, chaos - and happiness.” A hyphen is a better alternative to an ellipses, in most cases.Aidan would never forget the night either that had started all this sadness, chaos, and ... happiness. The night the royal family had ordered their army to siege his family who were of noble birth, and first in line for the throne after the royal blood. The royal family had been paranoid for years that Aidan's family would try to take the throne since they had produced no heirs themselves, and had finally acted upon this paranoia. Aidan had been out picking blackberries, being asked by his mother. She always said a twelve year boy needed to be home, doing chores for their lovely mothers. It always made Aidan laugh heartily. He saw the very house he had called home; a house of grandeur, two stories, white paint, and a lovely garden in the back. A ransack by one army of fifty had destroyed this place he called home however. His home now looked no more grand than a peasant's would. The windows shattered, the front door bashed in, and now a garden filled with men destroying the very life his mother had grown out of a green thumb, and love from her love filled heart.
The young Aidan had dropped his basket of blackberries that were to be used for a pie, ran into the now beat down house, screaming, "Mother! Father!"
He had only found bodies, and a blood bath that would have dyed the sea red. The young boy had ran into each room that he knew of, and even secret ones had his parents known he knew he would be smacked for. Horrified, he ran... he ran into the night. He looked back once, and to only see that once place of happiness to be on fire, engulfed in flames that seemed to dance mockingly at Aidan. The army had dispersed to claim whatever they had dragged out of the home, which had been a lot of family valuables, but Aidan had paid no heed to them as he had ran inside.
2. I don’t quite think “siege” is the best word here. Siege implicates that they had surrounded them and held them in their home for many days before striking. I think better the word “seize” or “decimate,” in this case.
3. The wording is a little bit rambling. A sleeker way to say it would have been: “...family, who were of noble blood, and the first in line for the throne - after the Royal Family, of course.” Another great place to use a hyphen. Stops the sentence from being a run-on.
4. Comma. Didn’t use one. This should read “...the throne, since they had...” This is so that the reader knows where to put the pause, especially in such a long sentence. A comma here is necessary.
5. “...having been asked by his mother.” It’s a smoother way to word it.
6. You don’t need to reiterate that this is his home, the reader would understand what you meant if you simply said “the house now looked...” Readers will get bored if you constantly use nouns at the beginning of sentences. You do this a lot. Take a look at all the sentences that start with the words “he,” “his,” “they,” etc. and see if there isn’t a better way to word it so it doesn’t start with that word.
7. “Love-filled” is a word that should have a hyphen.
8. “...blackberries, which were” is a better way to word this. Also, “had run into the now busted and derelict house, screaming for his parents.”
9. “Bloodbath” is how that should read. One word.
10. “...had run from room to room, even checking the secret ones that he would have been smacked for, had his parents found out he knew of their existence.” If you really want to go for an emotional zinger, you could also add something like “Now they never would.”
11. You don’t need to use an ellipses here. You could simply say “He ran, fled into the night.
12. This would read better as “only to”. Take out “and” completely.
1. Needless ellipses. You like to use them a lot, I noticed. This could have been worded better, somewhere along the lines of “Aidan had hidden as a peasant boy for two years.”Aidan had hid for two years... two years as a peasant. He had portrayed himself as an orphan, and luckily found a nice enough family to take him in. Then he met him... Glynn. The man was six years senior to Aidan. He had caught Aidan stealing the usual bread; he had gotten away with it for a few months. Glynn had grabbed his hand, smacked it, and dragged him back to very backer he had thieved from. It turned out the baker knew Aidan had been stealing, [u]but let him get away with hence knowing how hard it was growing up to be a peasant but no more this day, as a baker of course was middle class.[u/] That very day had been the day he learned Glynn was also an assassin. He had pleaded with Glynn to take him under his wing... Glynn had been a bit nervous about taking on his first apprentice hence him just becoming a master of his own trade only months ago, due to his age, he could claim himself a master, and indeed he was a master of the shadows. Known as Glynn of Dancing Shadows to most of those who were assassins, but to other assassins, he was known as Master Of Stealth Glynn. He as an assassin had his own principles, refusing to kill women, and children. He did however have the blood of men both good, and evil on his hands. It did not affect him though as he lived life everyday for himself, and only himself.
2. Again, this ellipses should be a hyphen. “Then he had met him - Glynn.” Also, think about italicizing Glynn’s name. For emphasis.
3. Semi-colon, the sentence is too wordy. Try changing it like this: “...bread which he had gotten away with stealing. In fact, he had gotten away with it for two months at that point.” Or, you know, something like that.
4. I don’t think the word “hence” belongs here. It is out of context. It should read more like “...but had let him get away with it because he knew how hard it was to grow up as a peasant and no more, these days. Being a baker, he was only Middle Class himself.”
5. Again, this word, “hence,” is not needed here. It is out of context. Try a different word.
6. This is very wordy, and makes little sense. Are you trying to say that he became a master at a young age, and though deserves his title, he feels inadequate about taking on an apprentice? Try wording this differently.
7. One part of this sentence negates the other. Do you mean that some non-assassins know him as the first name, and other assassins know him by the second? Or that lower-ranking assassins know him by the first, and his peers by the second?
8. Comma. “He, as an assassin, had his own principles,” is a better way to write this sentence. It flows better, and is easier to read.
9. “...did, however, have...”
10. Incorrect comma use. “...men, both good and evil, on his hands.”
11. Comma. Wording. “It did not affect him, though, as he lived his life everyday for himself, and only himself.” It flows better.
1. Wording, punctuation, unnecessary ellipses. “The day that Aidan was finally apprenticed under Glynn his first task was to kill the family who had taken him in.”The day Aidan was apprenticed to him, his first task... to kill the very family that had taken him in. The only member though who remained was the father, the mother dying due to a very bad cough, and the children out of the house. Glynn knew this, and had chosen it to see if Aidan were to be a success to the night world. Aidan had done it with ease... The father that had taken him in had suspected not, in fact embraced Aidan in the usual hug of affection, and not suspecting a thing until the dagger was found to be protruding through his crusty loved filled heart. The look on the man's face; that of shock, and then betrayal haunted Aidan to the point of him crying. Glynn had held him... that as he would a lover. Aidan, fourteen, and Glynn, eighteen, that night fell in love with each other. Glynn with his handsome, yet sullen face, black hair similar to Aidan's except usually covering his right eye, and his tall features, was the person Aidan had come to love that night. His muscled, and well toned body comforted Aidan whenever he needed it... The man was a master of killing, but ever so gentle with Aidan, and any other person that was not his target for that night. Glynn had taught Aidan so well, the boy had earned himself a name. Master of the Shadow Crescent Aidan. Ironic that this night it was a crescent moon out hanging in the dark night sky.
2. Unnecessary ellipses usage. A simple period would be better.
3. Using the same word twice in a sentence. Instead of “suspected” try using “knew” instead. I would have worded it “The father knew not - had, in fact, embraced Aidan affectionately as he usually did, suspecting nothing until the dagger...” It flows better, and it fits more with the ambiance of the work in general.
4. Comma, hyphen. “...crusty, love-filled heart.”
5. Comma. “...and then betrayal, haunted...” Makes for better flow in description.
6. Wording. It would fit better as “to the point of tears.”
7. Ellipses again. Try “Glynn had held him as he would have held a lover.”
8. This shows them to only be four years apart in age. Earlier you had said Glynn was six years Aidan’s senior. That would make him twenty, not eighteen. This is a continuity error.
9. Wordy. Shorten it to just “fell in love that night.” It makes for better flow, overall.
10. Try changing it to “...but that usually covered his right eye...” Cuts down on a run-on sentence. In fact, this whole sentence should be broken up. Try “Glynn, with his handsome, yet sullen face - black hair similar to Aidan's but that usually covered his right eye - and his tall features, was a person that Aidan came to love dearly that night.”
11. Ellipses. I used to use them this much, when I was just starting out, six years ago. You’ll grow out of wanting to use it so much. It should be reserved for dialogue and thoughts, not description.
12. Punctuation problems. “Glynn had taught Aidan so well the boy had earned himself a name; “Master of the Shadow Crescent Aidan.”” A comma where it did not belong, and a period where a semi-colon would have served well. Also, putting quotation marks around his “name” is probably a good idea.
The night of Aidan's sixteenth birthday; changing it to the night his life had changed ever so dramatically was the night that Glynn made love to him. That night forever remained in Aidan's thoughts. Even now as he looked at the safe house where he, and Glynn lived. He heard a scamper, and drew his short sword, looking around only to find a mouse chewing on crumbs that littered the dusty floor. He smiled though; this was to be his deathbed... A safe house with little furniture, dust covered floors, a very small upstairs, and crumbs everywhere...
He sheathed his short sword, and smelled the room one final time, it smelled of Glynn to him... that natural scent of his which seemed to be of strawberries. Glynn had once said he, Aidan smelled of roses. He had no idea why, but to Glynn he did. He had no more tears to shed, he had cried all the other night, knowing what was to come this night. He was found to be surprised when his eyes were not puffy, nor red this morning when he set out for his final job, final, and first act of revenge, and final time he ever saw Glynn as a lover.
1. Semi-colon, lack of comma, wording. This would read better like "The night of Aidan's sixteenth birthday - or rather the night his life was changed ever-so-dramatically - was the night that Glynn had finally made love to him." This is, again, a better flow in the run of things.
2. Comma instead of period.
3. Comma not needed.
4. Comma not needed.
5. Semi-colon in wrong place, and another unnecessary ellipses. Some of the wording could be different. I would have done it this way: "He smiled though, as this was to be his deathbed; a safehouse with little furniture, a layer of dust on almost everything, a very small upstairs, and crumbs littering the ground." See how I put the word "very" in italics? It emphasizes how small the upstairs really is to the reader.
5. Incorrect comma usage, unnecessary semi-colon, wording. "He sheathed his short sword and took a moment to really smell the room a final time. It smelled of Glynn, of that natural, almost strawberry scent which Aidan always associated with his lover."
6. Comma, wording. "Glynn had said before that he thought Aidan smelled of roses. He had no idea why, did not even smell it himself, but Glynn had insisted the fact." After this, you should hit enter and make the next part its own paragraph. The jump is too drastic, from talking about their scents to talking of no more tears. It should be another paragraph, to make the jump seem less sudden.
7. Wording, incorrect placement of a comma. "He was surprised to find that his eyes were not red and puffy when he had awoken that morning..."
8. Wording, punctuation. "...job. Final job, and first act of revenge. It would also be, he knew, the last time he would see Glynn as a lover."
1. Comma is not needed.Aidan pulled his boots off, taking the daggers out, and revealing his black cotton socks. He would die as lived with Glynn; as a civilian of this country, lover of Glynn, and master cook of home. Glynn had never been able to master the art of cooking... Considering the amazing art he could make with his hands which Aidan grew to be jealous of, and how fast he picked up other things, Aidan had to laugh at the one flaw of the man he loved. Once again a breeze swept through the room. Aidan shuddered again, wondering where the wind came from, and found the front door cracked open. He grew a bit paranoid, but knew he would have sensed Glynn at least had he been in this house. He considered himself at least on par with Glynn's skill of stealth. He looked at himself; his medium height showed, now hardened body due to years of training with Glynn. He smoothed out the wrinkles of his black cotton slacks, and shirt. He laughed... not manically, but enough to be asked what was so funny. Funny how when death was upon one, they tended to act so normal, as if nothing was abnormal and out of place.
2. "He would die as he had lived..."
3. Semi-colon not needed, change to hyphen.
4. "...master cook of the home." Sometimes it is easy to forget little things like using the word "the". It does blong here, though.
5. Ellipses not needed, change to period.
6. Wording is backwards here. "...would have at least sensed Glynn, had he been in the house."
7. Wording. Needs to be changed to make more sense. "He looked himself over - his medium height was obvious, and his body was now hardened with muscle after so many years of training with Glynn."
8. Comma not needed.
9. Ellipses not needed, change to comma.
10. Wording. Could be changed to read better, flow better. "What was funny, of course, was house when death was upon one, they always tended to act as if nothing was amiss."
1. Comma not needed.One more gust of wind blew by, and Aidan closed the cursed door. He felt the temperature in the room liven up a little bit, but not by much. He cursed his covered toes, feeling the cold hard wooden floor beneath him. It creaked with each step he took, but it didn't bother Aidan. He was the only one in this house tonight... at least for now. He had heard a flapping noise as he had entered the house, and wondered what was the cause of it. He looked around, and found a single piece of paper held down by a rock on their desk. He removed the black stone, throwing it over his shoulder, not caring the loud thud it made as it hit the floor. He read the note:
2. Comma needed. "...cold, hard wooden floor..."
3. Ellipses not needed, could be worded better. "...in this house tonight - for now at least."
4. Wording. "Looking around, he found a piece of paper on their desk, cleverly held down by a stone."
4. Wording. It would flow better as: "Aidan removed the black stone from its place, tossing it over his shoulder with little interest as he read the note. The stone had made a thud when it hit the floor."
5. Wording. "The note read:"
This part is fine, because it is how Glynn has written the note, and people don’t always write their notes with the best of care. Though, if you want to five Glynn an air of more cunning and intelligence, you may think to look at ways you might reword this to better fit his personality, and again, not use so many ellipses’. They bog the reader down.Dear Aidan...
I cannot believe the act you have committed. The years of me telling you revenge not matter to me, nor it should you. I came to love you, and you me that night you cried in my arms... Aidan... I have only written this after learning of your murderous act. I hold no grudge on you as a lover, but as an assassin... I must take your life for the life you took earlier this day... I hope you are redeemed in whatever life after death awaits us. I pray we meet each other so we can be together again... I might even join you sooner than you might expect yourself and I myself. By the time you read this, I suspect I might have found you. Remember these words my young lover...
Forever shall I love you. The tides of time can never wash away my feelings, and less it shall I shall commit myself to finding thee, and seeking out thy washed away feelings, and learn to love again the very love that I have lost.
Love, Glynn.
1. Ellipses not needed. "Then Aidan felt the Blade of Justice protruding from his heart. and as he did he felt the so familiar breathing pattern, noticing how much stronger the scent of strawberries had become." Something like that would read better.As Aidan read this, forgetting he had sworn he had no more tears to cry, a single tear drop similar to the last found itself drip on the paper scroll. Then Aidan felt it... the blade of justice protruding through his heart. He felt that very familiar breathing pattern against his neck and smelled strawberries.
"I'm glad you had time to read it, my love..." muttered Glynn, who Aidan swore sounded so hoarse himself he must have cried more than Aidan had.
"It's alright my love... This was destined to be since yesterday..." said Aidan who found it hard to talk, but found the strength to. He found himself turned around, seeing the fact of the man he loved... Stubble on his chin, but age had done nothing to this man's face... Still handsome as he was at eighteen. He felt Glynn's warm, strawberry taste filled lips against his own. He felt himself crying, and Glynn also.
"I will join you... I have decided..." said Glynn. He could not live with the guilt that he had killed the one man he loved his entire short life, Aidan. Glynn embraced Aidan one last time...
"Glynn... I'm glad my family died now... I'm sad though my heart never let go of my past..." said Aidan, now coughing up blood. He then felt his own life ending... it had been, but now it was at it's last strand. "I'm surprised your holding me like this," he added with a smile though blood dripped from his chest, and mouth now.
"Why wouldn't I... We're lovers... and ... your dying," said Glynn still crying, but laughed a little. They both knew how strongly they felt about each other...
"I thought you'd never forgive me for killing them," he said, coughing up more blood. Glynn had long ago removed the blade he had killed Aidan with.
"Nonsense... I should ask you to forgive me for obeying the creed... My lvoe for you is greater than it... but I realized it only just now..." he said, stroking Aidan's hair to the side to look at that beautiful face of his.
"I love, and forgive you..." said Aidan, finishing the last word, then gasping his eyes went blank... Glynn closed Aidan's eyes, and cried afterwords, like never before...
2. This would read better as "...sounded as though he had cried himself hoarse in his grief."
3. In general, you need to cut down on the use of ellipses'. Not everything can end of as an incompleted thought. People don't usually take long pauses between sentences. Cut them down to periods, change them to commas, or use hyphens. It reads better that way.
4. Put a comma here. "...Aidan, who..."
5. This would read better like: "...but somehow found the strength to do it."
6. Face, not fact.
7 & 8. Change these ellipses' to hyphens, and change the S' in "stubble" and "still" to s'.
9. Wording. "He felt Glynn's warm lips, so full of that strawberry taste, against his own, and felt himself and his lover crying together."
10. Wording. It would read better as "...killed Aidan, the one man that he had truly loved in his short life."
11. Ellipses. Change to period.
12. When it comes to wording around dialogue, you want to avoid wording things the same way over and over. Instead of "said [character name]" try changing it up, like "Aidan said, sniffling" or "he heard Glynn whisper" or "his voice was soft" or "he spoke quietly". Describe how they are speaking, don't just say "he said" and [character name] said".
13. Wording. This would read much better along the lines of: "He could feel his life ending now - it had been going slowly before, but he knew now that he was on his last bare threads."
14. Comma. "...smile, though blood..."
15. Comma misuse. "...chest and mouth..."
16. Wording. "Glynn had said, tears still falling from his eyes. He laughed then, a little bit. They both knew how strongly each felt for the other."
17. Wording. "...had long since removed the blade with which he'd taken his lovers life." Something like this flows better.
18. Love. Not Lvoe. Simple spelling error.
19. Wording, spelling, ellipses. Would read better as: "finnishing his final word with a gasp, as his eyes went blank and his body went limp. Glynn closed his lovers eyes, and then cried and cried for some time, holding Aidan close to him for the last time."
1. Wording. "...safehouse which Aidan had hidden away after his crime."The next day the royal guards had found the safe house that Aidan had been in. However, they did not expect to find two lovers intertwined... Glynn sat up against the very spot Aidan had died, with Aidan's body in his arms, hugging him. He had poisoned himself before, having only ten minutes to live after Aidan died... Aidan was bloody, but looked happy in death, and the same as Glynn...Aidan's head propped under Glynn's chin, and Glynn's hands somehow still wrapped around Aidan's waste, and Aidan sitting on the floor, but right in between Glynn's legs, and in front of his groin. The royal guards didn't know what to do afterwords, but decided to at least bury the two together... They knew they shouldn't since one of them had murdered their lords, but the way the two had looked in death... they felt compelled to... The two lovers... one compelled by revenge, and the other by a creed... However, both just as happy after death to be together... forever....
2. Ellipses not needed, change to semi-colon or hyphen.
3. Wording. It's too long. It's a run-on sentence. I would have gone more the route of: "...propped up against the desk with his lovers body in his arms - even in death he still held him tight."
4. Wording. "...after Aidan left our living world."
5. Wording; a run-on sentence. Spelling error. "...and the same could be said of Glynn. The older assassin sat with his young lovers head under his chin, Glynn’s hands somehow still locked around his waist. Aidan was between his masters legs, leaning back against his chest, which was holding the older man up." It flows better this way.
6. Spelling error. "Afterwards."
7. Ellipses should be semi-colon.
8. Ellipses should be a period.
9. Word doesn't fit. Try "in". As in "just as happy in death..."
10. Ellipses'. I don't mind the story ending with one, that's great. But the one right before it should be a hyphen or a comma.
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Sorry if you didn’t want all the explanation that came with this, but I felt it was only fair to tell you what was wrong, instead of just underlining it and making you figure it all out yourself.
You use a LOT of ellipses’ (...), which bogs a story down, and makes a reader like me (who’s been reading all her life, and who was reading Stephen King at eight years old - and who is also a writer with six years experience, rejection letters, and university-grade books for writers) cringe and want to stop reading.
I used to make a lot of the same mistakes. I also had a bad tendency to mix up my tenses. Always make sure if you are writing in past tense, you stay there, if you’re writing in present tense, you stay there, and if you’re writing from a characters point of view, you don’t switch to an omnipresent point of view mid-paragraph. In fact, try to keep the point of view consistent, and wait for a new chapter to switch it. Then, if you feel it is necessary, switch back in another chapter.
There’s a million and one pieces of advice I could give you, so I’ll stop here before I prattle on like a fool. But if you ever need help, I’m always just a PM away, and I’m full of useful tips.
Random PM's are loved!
Call me Can.
Discord Tag: Can*/Tommy (They/Them pronouns)#5588
im about 2 push the start button on the whoop ass machine
^this is my life right now
I have many leather bound books.
I'm kind of a big deal.
Changing the plans that I’ve been setting on, I’m scared by the way that my life is getting gone
- november 2., hétfő
Roland would have understood.
Come join me in Castle Age! http://apps.facebook.com/castle_age/...33681267&buf=1 thanks
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7144074
This collecting stuff is a sickness! ~Patrick
Patrick: blah blah blah. my farts have more intriguing things to say than this guy
Danielle: how old are you
me talking to a fellow classmate about our professor during class.
I have many leather bound books.
I'm kind of a big deal.
Changing the plans that I’ve been setting on, I’m scared by the way that my life is getting gone
♥
oh. that's what was in my ctrl + v.
"...neither the stupid jokes nor the easy surface emotions were the truth of Cuthbert Allgood."
fac22 is what was in my ctrl + v.
what does it mean?!?!?
i just dont know...
娑婆
That's a smart mouse, Del, he's like a circus mouse.
hm.. ah yes, a quote from The Green Mile.
p.s. what does the above mean, say please?
"...neither the stupid jokes nor the easy surface emotions were the truth of Cuthbert Allgood."
It's a Buddhist concept of calling out gods to answer one's prayer. I was looking it up because I didn't know it either
cluster headache
*** yeah... ok.
...and a signature
Choice Theory
All that's left of what we were is what we have become.
This collecting stuff is a sickness! ~Patrick
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