BS News! (For when real news doesn't have enough BS!)

[DoctorDodge]

The time is currently 02:00am in the UK, making it officially the day of the Royal Wedding, a day that has been heavily built up as the greatest day since Jesus Christ and Buddha joined forces and won the Third World War. Today will see the union between Prince Harry and Kate Middleton, the latter of which has repeatedly won the "Fittest Commoner of the Year" in FHM since 2011, and the former of which is a Prince. Currently, thousands of people are outside Buckingham Palace, either to kiss the feet of the King of England or to just get seen on TV, whilst the rest of England are staying at home to watch the main event, knowing that they're far more likely to actually see it on their tv screens than some poor sod who's been waiting 6 months in the freezing cold outside Buckingham Palace and forgetting that the wedding is actually going to take place indoors.

Nationwide however, the reaction of the nation has been decidely mixed. In a recent survey conducted by John Kramer, out of 20 people were asked if, given a choice, they would want to watch the joyous occasion of this great, important, historic event to world peace, or be horrifically tortured in the most agonizing way possible, 95% chose the latter option. However, after 19 people were tortured and killed, live on international television last month, (which gave the BSNews channel the highest ratings since the finale for Losers Who Think They Can Sing Mixed With People Who Can Actually Sing But Are Sh*t At Everything Else,) every peasant in the country willingly said that they are eagerly anticipating the Royal Wedding and are looking forward to hearing it on every radio station, reading it in every magazine, and seeing it on every TV channel.

Whatever happens, this is sure to be a day to remember, and one we're all hoping will be actually news worthy, and not a completely boring mess after all.

This is James Aggas, BS News, UKish.

NOTES:

• Really wasn't sure where to put my feelings on the whole BS of the Royal Wedding, so i decided to make a thread based on every news story going at the moment. Mods, if you feel this should be merged with another thread, feel free!
• Likewise, if this thread continues and anyone else likes to post their own BS article on something that is pissing them off, feel free!
• For satire that's actually funny and inspired me to do this, look up "The Day Today" and "Brass Eye". Chris Morris is a fucking genius. Also, look up radio show "On The Hour".
• Yes, the Royal Wedding really does piss me off this much!

[alkanto]

Now, the question is: How do you really feel?

If it is any consolation, I won't be up at 4 am my time to join in the festivities....I have no idea why Americans are so obsessed with royalty. There was kind of a war, you know...us trying to get away from all of that. It's very odd...

[Cook]

Doctor is in the House !!
Seriously F**N funny
Nice thread

[DoctorDodge]

Cheers, Cook! Rest assured, due to my love of satire and hatred of news (or rather the way it's reported on tv and in the papers), I'll be posting often in this thread!

[Tito_Villa]

Caused no end of trouble at our small company making today a bank holiday. A hell of a lot of small business' around the country will suffer because of this day!

[LadyHitchhiker]

I don't know, I really am sick of only bad things happening in the news, so it's nice to have a royal wedding breaking up the burglaries, robberies, molestation, abuse, etc.,. that gets shown on a daily basis via the media.

[candy]

Its a shame that people cant take just one small atom of happiness on a national holiday, where the sun is shining and two people in love are getting married

or even take some national pride in watching their future king get married. I am not a royalist, but this day was an historic day for this nation, and its a shame that more people could not take some national pride and happiness just for once, instead of yet again sticking the boot in. Your post says just about everything that is wrong with this country today, instead of saying lets celebrate and be happy, instead of taking some joy in the world, that has precious little joy, lets be negative and derogatory. Because we can.

Whilst i was away people used to complain that there was no pride in this country and it was on its knees well lookey today was the day to stand up and be proud. But no, most people wanted to whinge on and on about how the royal family are crap, that anyone watching it was sad and pathetic, and lets call it all a load of bullshit.

People have been telling me all day the royal family are not elected (yes, because the people that were elected are doing a bloody fantastic job arent they <- thats sarcasm by the way) how the Uk public is paying for the whole thing - please review your information as you may find it incorrect.

I sat down and watched the royal wedding today, not because i am a royalist, far from it. I looked forward to today hoping that just for once we could look forwards and enjoy the moment, the Great Britain just for today could behave in a positive manner and nice towards their fellow human beings.

looks like I was proved wrong again.

[Tito_Villa]

I have no problem with the royal wedding at all, infact i thought the service and whole thing was great, my problem is with the day being a bank holiday that is costing each and every small business all over the country!

[cozener]

and on a lighter note here's more (and decidedly more important) BS news out of the UK...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/news...ics-claim.html

[Ricky]

I can see getting excited for their happiness and everything, but I don't understand all the obsession. Especially in the U.S. Their marriage is not related to or affect us in any way. At least now it'll hopefully be awhile before I have to hear the phrase "fairy tale wedding" again.

[Ben Staad]

I can see getting excited for their happiness and everything, but I don't understand all the obsession. Especially in the U.S. Their marriage is not related to or affect us in any way. At least now it'll hopefully be awhile before I have to hear the phrase "fairy tale wedding" again.

I whole heartedly agree..... the so called royalty are only a couple of really, really, rich people. Who gives a flip (at least in the States) other then the good folks in England?

[Iwritecode]

Up until a couple of days ago I didn't even know the wedding was today.

[DoctorDodge]

Its a shame that people cant take just one small atom of happiness on a national holiday, where the sun is shining and two people in love are getting married

or even take some national pride in watching their future king get married. I am not a royalist, but this day was an historic day for this nation, and its a shame that more people could not take some national pride and happiness just for once, instead of yet again sticking the boot in. Your post says just about everything that is wrong with this country today, instead of saying lets celebrate and be happy, instead of taking some joy in the world, that has precious little joy, lets be negative and derogatory. Because we can.

Whilst i was away people used to complain that there was no pride in this country and it was on its knees well lookey today was the day to stand up and be proud. But no, most people wanted to whinge on and on about how the royal family are crap, that anyone watching it was sad and pathetic, and lets call it all a load of bullshit.

People have been telling me all day the royal family are not elected (yes, because the people that were elected are doing a bloody fantastic job arent they <- thats sarcasm by the way) how the Uk public is paying for the whole thing - please review your information as you may find it incorrect.

I sat down and watched the royal wedding today, not because i am a royalist, far from it. I looked forward to today hoping that just for once we could look forwards and enjoy the moment, the Great Britain just for today could behave in a positive manner and nice towards their fellow human beings.

looks like I was proved wrong again.

It's not the wedding itself that's the problem, candy. It's the constant, constant, constant overkill of it by the media. It's been in the news non-stop, it's on the front cover of every single paper, cds, dvds, books, magazines are being hugely advertised in shops, and the news is trying to exploit every single little detail it can about the wedding. Yes, i'm more than a bit cynical about the wedding itself due to what happened with another big wedding that happened back in the 80s and how that marriage turned out (seriously Charles? You cheated on Diana with a horse? Seriously?), but even i could've taken some enjoyment out of it, some national pride, if the news hadn't ruined it for me. Sorry, that's just how i feel.

[Ricky]

With how publicized it has been over here, I can't imagine how it's been over there, DD.

A couple weeks ago, EW had an article with a "bingo board" involving the royal wedding. Any time you saw or heard something that was on the board, you put a marker down like regular bingo. Stuff like: a commentator calls Kate a "commoner", the phrase "fairy tale wedding" is mentioned, the Queen falls asleep sometime during the service, etc. I thought it was pretty funny.

[DoctorDodge]

Oh my god, that's brilliant! And I can't believe it's described in the media as a "fairy tale wedding". Wtf?!? No wait, scratch that, i can believe it - it's the media, after all, anything to make a story sound more important than it actually is. Which, considering it's a royal wedding, it's hardly a story that lacks importance, at least as far as the UK is concerned, no matter how much they milk it!

and on a lighter note here's more (and decidedly more important) BS news out of the UK...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/news...ics-claim.html

Now that really is total BS news. And worse is that it's serious, too! Calling animals you own pets is insulting?...huh?

[pathoftheturtle]

And over here, meanwhile, years of BS coverage have been abruptly ruined by the American President's release of yet more documentation showing that he is, in fact, an American.

[candy]

I have no problem with the royal wedding at all, infact i thought the service and whole thing was great, my problem is with the day being a bank holiday that is costing each and every small business all over the country!

around 75% of the smaller independant business around here didn't close. Of a group of 10 close friends/family, 7 of them were working yesterday. No over time payments, the companies themselves chose to ignore the bank holiday.

When speaking to a friend of mine that runs a hairdressers yesterday, he was bemoaning the fact that he had closed, however when pressed he admited that he had trebled his takings in the Tues/Wed/thurs of the week just gone, and if he had opened then his staff would just have been standing around.

For the Jubilee next year, even more companies say they will not recognise the bank holiday.

Its a shame that people cant take just one small atom of happiness on a national holiday, where the sun is shining and two people in love are getting married

or even take some national pride in watching their future king get married. I am not a royalist, but this day was an historic day for this nation, and its a shame that more people could not take some national pride and happiness just for once, instead of yet again sticking the boot in. Your post says just about everything that is wrong with this country today, instead of saying lets celebrate and be happy, instead of taking some joy in the world, that has precious little joy, lets be negative and derogatory. Because we can.

Whilst i was away people used to complain that there was no pride in this country and it was on its knees well lookey today was the day to stand up and be proud. But no, most people wanted to whinge on and on about how the royal family are crap, that anyone watching it was sad and pathetic, and lets call it all a load of bullshit.

People have been telling me all day the royal family are not elected (yes, because the people that were elected are doing a bloody fantastic job arent they <- thats sarcasm by the way) how the Uk public is paying for the whole thing - please review your information as you may find it incorrect.

I sat down and watched the royal wedding today, not because i am a royalist, far from it. I looked forward to today hoping that just for once we could look forwards and enjoy the moment, the Great Britain just for today could behave in a positive manner and nice towards their fellow human beings.

looks like I was proved wrong again.

It's not the wedding itself that's the problem, candy. It's the constant, constant, constant overkill of it by the media. It's been in the news non-stop, it's on the front cover of every single paper, cds, dvds, books, magazines are being hugely advertised in shops, and the news is trying to exploit every single little detail it can about the wedding. Yes, i'm more than a bit cynical about the wedding itself due to what happened with another big wedding that happened back in the 80s and how that marriage turned out (seriously Charles? You cheated on Diana with a horse? Seriously?), but even i could've taken some enjoyment out of it, some national pride, if the news hadn't ruined it for me. Sorry, that's just how i feel.

I apologise for the rant then DD, yes I agree that the whole thing has been on/in the media relentlessly.

However, if the next breathe, we can't keep parping on about Diana. Thats like saying that no one should have enjoyed my wedding and should have sat there with cynical heads on, as my parents split due to infidelity.

[Tito_Villa]

Well i will speak for the haulage companies then who are already on their knees because of the price of fuel, yesterdays bank holiday was bloody terrible news and could be the difference to sending some companies under, the industry is that fragile at the moment.

[DoctorDodge]

I apologise for the rant then DD, yes I agree that the whole thing has been on/in the media relentlessly.

However, if the next breathe, we can't keep parping on about Diana. Thats like saying that no one should have enjoyed my wedding and should have sat there with cynical heads on, as my parents split due to infidelity.

You're right, of course. I'm just mighty cynical about a lot of celebrity marriages in general, really. Especially since Lenny Henry and Dawn French got divorced last year: if those two couldn't survive after 25 years of marriage, who the hell can?!? But again, you're right: expect the worst, but at least hope for the best.

Just remember though, whatever my feelings about the wedding, and how overdone it was in the media, that i am not someone who hates this country, and i'm certainly not someone who hates the politicians or the royal family - any problems i've had, it's usually been myself or bad luck to blame, so i don't blame the people on tv for it. I certainly have no problem with people who watched the wedding and took some enjoyment out of it (having said that, i do look down on those who got really obsessive about it, but then, i also look down on those fans of certain shows who take their obsession a bit too far, such as actively stalking their favourite celebritites). I do take enjoyment out of being a true Brit, but only in the little things - crumpets, fish and chips (or saveloy and chips in my case), cups of tea, Life on Mars, walking down Southend Pier, and of course the fact that we made the greatest show ever. The main thing i get sick about though is the news and the media and how IN YOUR FUCKING FACE it can be sometimes. That was the main reason why i set up this thread, more than anything. To laugh at the news, not at the subject of the news story.

[candy]

[Cook]

Doctor,
Please don't apologize for saying what's on your mind, I believe free speech is still allowed in some places.
All-thou.... sometimes probably should't be.
We have a genius preacher over here in the deep south (Florida) who's intentionally trying to piss-off every Muslim on the planet. But that's another argument for another time.
I completely agree with your media rant, you're 100% right. Last time (Princess Diana) we (the world) had the pleasure of "The Royal Wedding media show" It was the constant, constant, constant discussion of Diana's virginity. It was in the news non-stop, and I mean non-stop. everything from the specific procedure to validating, debates, discussions, never ending questions "Can the test be faked?" "What if she's not a virgin" "Can we trust the doctors" It was horrible. Our "media" is an insane pathetic joke.
Doctor.... Please keep-em coming.

[Ricky]

When I went into Dunkin Donuts last night, I was looking at the donut racks and I saw they had a "Royal Wedding" donut. It was just a heart shaped with purple icing.

[DoctorDodge]

Cheers, Cook. I'm sure the news were extremely pleased when, just as they had run out of stories concerning Diana's virginity, they heard about her death, and were able to launch a media frenzy that practically didn't stop for ten years, with a new theory cropping up about her death every six fucking months, before eventually concluding that yes, it was a car crash she was killed in, and yes, she did die in Paris.

And that sounds like the laziest idea for a donut ever, Ricky! Prefer caramel and custard, myself, but this is the wrong thread for that!

[Ricky]

It was pretty lazy! They used the same design for Valentine's Day, but with red icing.

[DoctorDodge]

Oh god, that's a new standard in laziness!

And now for a new news report from BSN News!

It's the day after the Royal Wedding, everyone is happy and rejoicing in the streets, and we've run out of news. But now, new evidence has come to light that has lead to the question...

Was the Royal Wedding Faked?

Coming from BSN News 25, so awesome and so jam packed with news, we've been required to add an extra hour to our daily news, we'll be going through every detail, every fact, every single part of the Royal Wedding all over again, only this time, we're going to find out if it was all a setup for the public, and if so, why? What was it all for? And does the so-called "Prince William" even exist, or something else to cover the Royal Family's secrets?

Also, later today:

• School demolished for having a picture of the Easter bunny
• Parliament debates over which is better: chalk or cheese?
• And the truth about the Virgin Mary: did she lie to Joseph and Jesus about her virginity?

And you can switch over to BSN News 1 for an interview with Mary herself right now.

BSN News! Because our BS pwns your BS!