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Originally Posted by
kithereal
The following work is based on the fiction of Stacey Larence. It is for entertainment purposes only and will not monetarily benefit me or thedarktower.org.
One day while trying on a very flashy pair of wingtips Geraldo notices his feet have grown .Concern grows with his feet as the Days pass and he must replace his disgustingly expensive shoes. The hair on his head changes for the redder and his face is oddly pale. Geraldo hails a cab one afternoon and finds that his voice has risen several octaves. People are beginning to notice, Geraldo is scared, his assistant discovers him crying in front of the mirror and tries to comfort him. Gerald screams violently at him ( albeit in a slightly higher voice then usual ), feeling better Geraldo smiles in the mirror and joyfully begins to prepare for a live broadcast on the deaths of infant conjoined twins when he notices that his nose is a huge red ball. He cries out his once bravado dripping voice is now a piercing squeak. Gerald determinedly puts on his enormous shoes and tries to calm the spiky hair, he leaves his dressing room and heads for the news room to address his adoring public. Security guards pounce on him. "outta here you foolish clown...this is a news room " they say.....with little humor they toss him out of the building....he squeaks "don't you know who I am?" ……...as the door slams shut.
You have good form and prose. The thing, to me, that sticks out like a sore thumb is your use of adverbs. Some of them are words that aren't needed and others could be replaced with non-adverb words. Example:
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Concern grows with his feet as the Days pass and he must replace his disgustingly expensive shoes
Disgustingly is not a word to use at all, especially in writing. Is it even a word? I'm not sure. It would be much better suited without the word or replaced with another adjective. Adverbs should be used very seldomly, mostly when you cannot find another word to replace it.
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( albeit in a slightly higher voice then usual )
This parenthesis confused me. What is is usual pitch of voice? Without knowing 'slightly' is unneeded.