IWasSentWest
10-30-2009, 12:18 AM
VERY rough draft...only posting to see if i should continue. it's choppy as hell and all over the place, and probably has shitty grammar so bare with me.
Monster
Life started out so simple. I was born to a good family, was pampered as a kid. I was the youngest of three, and considered the baby. A good student, my parents loved me because I was gentle, sincere, and cared about others. I flew through school, never having much trouble making friends, or enemies. I was given the world, and I abused that privilege to the fullest. To everyone around me, I was a genius and a nice guy. People loved me, because I could party with the best and still manage to have a good time when there wasn’t an ounce of alcohol for a mile around. I made others around me feel better, about themselves and about life in a small town. The only one of my parents children to hold in my anger, I could take insults with a shrug of a shoulder.
My high school days were rough enough, and I will be the first to admit it. A troubled man in the quietness of my mind, I always withheld the true nature of my personality from everyone that tried getting close. Truth be told, I was damn good at keeping my own secrets, and none were the wiser because of it. I hit the party scene ninth grade year, and high school flew by with the swish and the swig of a beer pong cup. I did well in school, and the weekends were reserved for bon-fires and parties at places ranging from fields, to barns, houses, and the driveway of my best friends yard. Life had meaning back then, and I made friends that no amount of hardship would ever overcome. But that person that I kept from everyone, the real me, lay dormant in a place that I did not care to explore.
I believe college is what brought it out. The first year is always the hardest, with getting used to living on my own, and not knowing anyone except a few friends that managed to go to the same college as me. It was awkward, with a lot of time spent in my dorm, eating microwaveable meals and abusing facebook. I never slept, and believe me, that is a blessing if you knew the real me. Naps consumed the time between classes, because a nap to me was my only refuge from what went rampaging around in my head. I slowly learned the true nature of life way back then. The rules were simple: live only for yourself, never let anyone get too close, and never, ever let your anger make decisions for you. That was a problem for me, that old family temper. The rage would consume me if I ever let it. I was better than most in my family at keeping it at bay, but once it was released, I was the hardest to control. I wasn’t the person people knew when I was angered, I was the real me. A monster.
College was over before it began, with many friends and memories made. I hit the workforce, got a house, a dog, etc., but to keep it simple, I grew up. I never married though, not because I didn’t find the right girl, or I never wanted to be tied down, I didn’t marry simply because of the rules of life. Marriage would only open me to a world of heartache, and headache. The risk was not worth the reward in my opinion, and soon life had passed me by. I looked in the mirror one day to see a forty year old man, alone and tired. I was weary, my eyes were aged beyond my years, and I was sad. Not sad at how my life had been led, I mean I still had friends, still had women, a life. I was sad because all the dreams, all the ambitions were gone.
Gone were my years of partying, years of countless friends and no responsibility. I was such a go-getter back when, such a good person to others. That person was dead, and what I had become was me. I had pissed away all my money, and made every wrong choice a guy can make. I had chased away anyone who dared get close to me, and lately I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. Not the person I put out there for people, but the true me. And it was sad.
Something sparked in me that day. Something that had lain dormant for years. I wasn’t going out like this, just wasn’t my nature. I would go down swinging, and die trying. Long ago, my father told me that the man who is willing to die is always going to win a fight. “You have to be wiling to check your body at the door, and give every thing you can, in order to win” he would say. So I let that old monster take over, that thing inside of me that wanted to bash in a person’s head, just because. If you’ve never had that feeling, the feeling of wanting to attack someone, to strike them because at the time, you were so overcome with fury that you could barely contain yourself, then you wouldn’t understand. That is what I truly am. An animal, forged by the gods in the shape of a man.
Now that you understand my true nature, I feel that it is worth telling you why I feared to sleep. To understand me is to understand my mind. The reason I loathed sleep was because when I slept, I dreamed of things that would make your teeth ache. These dreams were not nightmares, for nightmares would be a blessing. These dreams were real, more real than living in a house with a wife, two kids, and a white fucking picket fence. They weren’t scary, or frightening. They were horrifying. Gone were the days of youth when I dreamed of death, serial killers, or blood. In my dreams, life was wrong. Everything was rancid. Like the world had been left in the heat for too long, and bacteria had began to decompose it. They differed in plot, but this was always the theme. These dreams began when I was 11, and I believe this is what led to my life being the way it was, me withholding my true self from people. I always thought that my dreams would come true, and if they did, I would need to be cold, alone, with nothing to fear and no one to lose. I had prepared myself for a life of agony, and that life just never came. I grew old, in a world that I never thought would happen. I had wasted away for fear of wasting away.
So now I’m giving up on the rules. No more living under the laws that man has set forth, no more 9-5’s. I’m releasing the monster upon the world. It is time that the mankind saw my true nature, why I was put on this earth. I’d been to hell and back so many times in my mind, that life did not scare me anymore. And believe me or not, I am in hell right now. I must fight my way out, find the light or die trying. I am taking on life, all life. I lay bear my flesh, I am pounding my chest and I dare you to destroy me. When you see that man walking down the road, the one you are afraid to slow down near for fear of being attacked, that will be me. When you see a shadow moving across the way, and have no idea where it came from, that will be me. I will be the thing that goes bump in the night, the thing that makes your hair stand on end. I will be everywhere, all knowing, all seeing. You can call me karma, luck, god, a legend, a ghost, a whisper.
I am a myth no longer, and you will fear me. I am a monster.
Monster
Life started out so simple. I was born to a good family, was pampered as a kid. I was the youngest of three, and considered the baby. A good student, my parents loved me because I was gentle, sincere, and cared about others. I flew through school, never having much trouble making friends, or enemies. I was given the world, and I abused that privilege to the fullest. To everyone around me, I was a genius and a nice guy. People loved me, because I could party with the best and still manage to have a good time when there wasn’t an ounce of alcohol for a mile around. I made others around me feel better, about themselves and about life in a small town. The only one of my parents children to hold in my anger, I could take insults with a shrug of a shoulder.
My high school days were rough enough, and I will be the first to admit it. A troubled man in the quietness of my mind, I always withheld the true nature of my personality from everyone that tried getting close. Truth be told, I was damn good at keeping my own secrets, and none were the wiser because of it. I hit the party scene ninth grade year, and high school flew by with the swish and the swig of a beer pong cup. I did well in school, and the weekends were reserved for bon-fires and parties at places ranging from fields, to barns, houses, and the driveway of my best friends yard. Life had meaning back then, and I made friends that no amount of hardship would ever overcome. But that person that I kept from everyone, the real me, lay dormant in a place that I did not care to explore.
I believe college is what brought it out. The first year is always the hardest, with getting used to living on my own, and not knowing anyone except a few friends that managed to go to the same college as me. It was awkward, with a lot of time spent in my dorm, eating microwaveable meals and abusing facebook. I never slept, and believe me, that is a blessing if you knew the real me. Naps consumed the time between classes, because a nap to me was my only refuge from what went rampaging around in my head. I slowly learned the true nature of life way back then. The rules were simple: live only for yourself, never let anyone get too close, and never, ever let your anger make decisions for you. That was a problem for me, that old family temper. The rage would consume me if I ever let it. I was better than most in my family at keeping it at bay, but once it was released, I was the hardest to control. I wasn’t the person people knew when I was angered, I was the real me. A monster.
College was over before it began, with many friends and memories made. I hit the workforce, got a house, a dog, etc., but to keep it simple, I grew up. I never married though, not because I didn’t find the right girl, or I never wanted to be tied down, I didn’t marry simply because of the rules of life. Marriage would only open me to a world of heartache, and headache. The risk was not worth the reward in my opinion, and soon life had passed me by. I looked in the mirror one day to see a forty year old man, alone and tired. I was weary, my eyes were aged beyond my years, and I was sad. Not sad at how my life had been led, I mean I still had friends, still had women, a life. I was sad because all the dreams, all the ambitions were gone.
Gone were my years of partying, years of countless friends and no responsibility. I was such a go-getter back when, such a good person to others. That person was dead, and what I had become was me. I had pissed away all my money, and made every wrong choice a guy can make. I had chased away anyone who dared get close to me, and lately I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. Not the person I put out there for people, but the true me. And it was sad.
Something sparked in me that day. Something that had lain dormant for years. I wasn’t going out like this, just wasn’t my nature. I would go down swinging, and die trying. Long ago, my father told me that the man who is willing to die is always going to win a fight. “You have to be wiling to check your body at the door, and give every thing you can, in order to win” he would say. So I let that old monster take over, that thing inside of me that wanted to bash in a person’s head, just because. If you’ve never had that feeling, the feeling of wanting to attack someone, to strike them because at the time, you were so overcome with fury that you could barely contain yourself, then you wouldn’t understand. That is what I truly am. An animal, forged by the gods in the shape of a man.
Now that you understand my true nature, I feel that it is worth telling you why I feared to sleep. To understand me is to understand my mind. The reason I loathed sleep was because when I slept, I dreamed of things that would make your teeth ache. These dreams were not nightmares, for nightmares would be a blessing. These dreams were real, more real than living in a house with a wife, two kids, and a white fucking picket fence. They weren’t scary, or frightening. They were horrifying. Gone were the days of youth when I dreamed of death, serial killers, or blood. In my dreams, life was wrong. Everything was rancid. Like the world had been left in the heat for too long, and bacteria had began to decompose it. They differed in plot, but this was always the theme. These dreams began when I was 11, and I believe this is what led to my life being the way it was, me withholding my true self from people. I always thought that my dreams would come true, and if they did, I would need to be cold, alone, with nothing to fear and no one to lose. I had prepared myself for a life of agony, and that life just never came. I grew old, in a world that I never thought would happen. I had wasted away for fear of wasting away.
So now I’m giving up on the rules. No more living under the laws that man has set forth, no more 9-5’s. I’m releasing the monster upon the world. It is time that the mankind saw my true nature, why I was put on this earth. I’d been to hell and back so many times in my mind, that life did not scare me anymore. And believe me or not, I am in hell right now. I must fight my way out, find the light or die trying. I am taking on life, all life. I lay bear my flesh, I am pounding my chest and I dare you to destroy me. When you see that man walking down the road, the one you are afraid to slow down near for fear of being attacked, that will be me. When you see a shadow moving across the way, and have no idea where it came from, that will be me. I will be the thing that goes bump in the night, the thing that makes your hair stand on end. I will be everywhere, all knowing, all seeing. You can call me karma, luck, god, a legend, a ghost, a whisper.
I am a myth no longer, and you will fear me. I am a monster.