Beat My Joke

[Ka-tet]

A silly little game, basicly one person post a joke the next person trys to beat it so on and so forth for eternity.

I love this joke xD

There are two muffins in a oven, the first muffin says to the other "jesus christ its hot in here" the other muffin says "FUCK ME ITS A TALKING MUFFIN"

LOL :excited:

[mia/susannah]

that was very funny. Heres mine:

This woman was pregnant with twins. The twins are talking to each other in the womb, the first baby says, What do you want to be when you grow up? The second baby says I want to be a doctor and help people. The second baby ask the first the same thing, The baby says, I want to be a hunter. The second baby say why? The first baby says so I can kill the snake that keeps spitting in my eyes.

:unsure:

[Letti]

First I read the title of the thread this way "Beat my Jake"... it sounded really interesting.

[Girlystevedave]

First I read the title of the thread this way "Beat my Jake"...

You were probably wondering what kind of dirty thread this was:lol:

[Letti]

First I read the title of the thread this way "Beat my Jake"...

You were probably wondering what kind of dirty thread this was:lol:

I was running here! *laughs*

[Girlystevedave]

:lol:

[jemaher]

Man walks up to a woman in a bar and says" you are so beautiful, I must have you. Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?" the woman blushes and stammers " wow, um , I might..." The guy says.. " Well how about for a hundred dollars?" The woman indignantly retorts " What kind of woman do you think I am???"

The guy replys "We have already established that, Now were just haggling over the price!"

[cappsy]

dude thats a good one
a man is on his honey moon and after sex he turns to his new wife and says "are you sure youre a virgin"
the wife looks at him shocked and says "yeah im sure why does every one keep asking me that"

[blackrose22]

A lot of girls don't seem to like this joke or pretend not to get the punchline.

Two lesbians in the bath. One says wears the soap and the other one replies sure does!

[cappsy]

a guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scoth the bartender gives it to him and the guy slams it back
"rough nite" the bartender asks
"yeah" the guy replies"i caught my wife cheating on me with my best freind"
"what you do"
i kicked my wife out and said the only thing i could to my friend bad dog

[Mark]

:lol:

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

[Ryan]

Three tough mice walk in to a bar and order a shot of tequila each.
The bartender commenting on the leather and chains wearing mice says "wow, you three mice sure do look tough"
The first mouse says "I'm so tough, when I see a piece of cheese in a trap I go right for it and when the bar comes slamming into my chest I bench press it 50 times." He takes his shot of tequila and drops it back in one gulp.
The second mouse chuckles and says "I'm so tough, I brush my teeth and gargle with rat poison every morning." He takes his shot of tequila and drops it back in one gulp.
The third mouse looks the other two mice over, takes his shot of tequila and drops it back in one gulp, slams the glass on the counter, gets up and heads for the door.
The bartender, anxious to find out just how tough the third mouse is, calls after him asking, "where ya goin tough mouse?"
The mouse stops at the door, looks over his shoulder at the three of them and says "I'm going home to fuck the cat....again"

[Matt]

I heard this somewhere--may have been here.

A woman is complaining about her breasts not being big enough.

Here husband tells her if she rubs a pice of tissue between them once, sometimes twice a day. They will grow to three times their normal size.

She does this for a while and tells him it doesn't seem to be working.

He tells her...

"Really? It sure worked on your ass"

<don't kill me ladies, I was just retelling :lol:>

[cappsy]

hickory dickory dock three mice ran up a clock the clock struck one the other two got away with minor injuries

not to good but hey it made me giggle

[Jimmy]

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

[alinda]

Ok, so there is a ugly old witch
and a beautiful faire maiden and
they are talking to one another.
The witch asks what it means
that when men pass her by they
http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:AVI9p7zDFtCX5M:http://www.nataliedee.com/012303/wink.jpg
and the young maiden reply's
men do that when they find
a woman attractive...and the
ugly old witch say's ..."well
they must think I am georgous
cause when they pass by me
they always do this!
http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:m_7F1x1GDklMJM:http://www.brokenribpress.com/boxibee/1_1/images/jjohns-four.jpg

[cappsy]

a man walks in to a bar with a giraffe and has a few drinks the giraffe gets tipsy and falls over the man goes to leave
"heyshouts the bartender "you cant leave that lyin there"
"hats not a lyin"the man says"thats a giraffe"

[alinda]

:lol:

[mia/susannah]

Underwear Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply could not let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the heck is this?” He said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“Honey” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied… “It’s not talcum powder…It’s MIRACLE GROW!!

[LadyHitchhiker]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."

[mia/susannah]

That was a good one. Ladyhitchhiker

[LadyHitchhiker]

That's one of my favorites... :D

[mia/susannah]

THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT!!

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest!!

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passeneger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you cna't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two Hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of god, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they refused. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he would be back if they did not close their shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callosed fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was this person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[The Lady of Shadows]

:rofl: mao

i love puns.

[Nerak]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods, the bear says to the rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur, the rabbit said no, the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit...

[mia/susannah]

Nerak, that was pretty good. lol

[Ka-tet]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods, the bear says to the rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur, the rabbit said no, the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit...

Laughed till i cried :excited:

[Woofer]

Three nuns go to Heaven and meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter asks the first nun if she has any sins to confess.

The nun replies "I touched a man's penis once."

"Not to worry," says St. Peter. "Just wash the hand that touched it in this bowl of holy water and your sin is cleansed."

The third nun then taps the second nun on the shoulder and says "Do you mind if I gargle before you squat over that?"

[mia/susannah]

Woofer, Laughed myself out of the chair

A blow job is 1% urine, 2% hair, 3% cum and 94% other bitches pussy


Humpty Dumpty was sitting on the wall while Little Bo Peep was giving him head. She knew by the taste that he had been fucking her sheep.

[Ves'Ka Gan]

A man and his wife get into a bad argument and start giving each other the silent treatment. THis goes on for a week because neither of them want to be the one to give in and "lose".

After a week, the man realizes he has an important business trip and needs his wife to wake him up early in the morning. Rather than asking her and thus, losing, he writes her a note: "Big business trip tomorrow, please wake me up at 5 am".

The next morning he awakes aware that it is late, he looks at the alarm and it is 9 AM! He couldn't beleive she didn't wake him, but when he looked to her side of the bed he saw a yellow post it note "It's 5 AM. Wake up."

[The Lady of Shadows]

:lol:

[Sam]

What's the difference between a Scottsman and a Rolling Stone band member? The Scottsman says "Hey MacCloud, get off'a my ewe!"

[razz]

Did j00 know Micheal Jackson is adopting? I heard about it on an Amber Alert announcement

[Tiffany]

(This is gonna be terrible).

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear?



What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idear?

*pa-dum-dum*

[Matt]

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

Doesn't matter, he isn't coming anyway

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

[razz]

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

Doesn't matter, he isn't coming anyway

:lol:
http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/148-lump_the_no_legged_dog

a man walks into the oval office and says "Mister President, ten Brazilian men were gunned down by terrorists"
The president says "how many is a Brazilian?"

[Tvmorbid]

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in, thats when the bloody trouble started...

[Tiffany]

Q: Why do all the ladies love Jesus?

A: Because he's hung like this.
*holds arms out wide*



Q: What's better than winning the Special Olympics?

A: Not being retarded.



Q: What's the difference between a fridge and a gay man?

A: A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

[Tvmorbid]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

[Tiffany]

I blew my wad all at once. I got nothin'. Except this lame one:

What kinda cheese isn't yours?

NACHO cheese.

(It's so retarded and yet, I laugh every time.)

[Matt]

That was cheesy and corny like nachos :lol:

Hope these don't offend.

What's the difference between a vaccum and a Harley...

Dirt bag is just in a different place

What do Hurricanes and a red neck divorce have in common?

I don't know, but someone is losing a trailer.

[Tvmorbid]

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one"

[razz]

here's a couple DW jokes i leik
What goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?
A Time Lord committing suicide.

what does a catholic dalek say?
EXCOMMUNICATE!!!!

[Tvmorbid]

lol Those are pretty bad, I love them! :D

[Ricky]

While reading the DT the other day, Eddie made a joke and I cracked up laughing. It's terrible, yet I still laugh.

Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?

A: Because it was stapled to the chicken.

I can't help it. :lol:

[razz]

:rofl: never gets old!

[Tiffany]

Did you hear about the hooker that had an appendectomy?

She started makin' money on the side.

[UnderTheKillingMoon]

man goes into a bar, where he sees a monkey with a sign that says "for sale: 10 thousand dollars" the man asks the bartender why a monkey could cost so much?

"well," says the bartender, "this monkey gives the best head anyone has ever experienced, its unreal. Have a try, if it do ya"

the man took the monkey in the back room and came back 5 minutes later with a check for 10 large. he takes the monkey home.

the next night, his wife comes home to see a monkey in the sink doing dishes. shes goes to ask her husband why this is so, and he replies" honey, i know i told you that you gave the best head i've ever had, but this monkey is way better"

"ok," she says dissapointed, "but then why is it in the kitchen doing dishes?

the husband replies, "well if it can do the dishes and my laundry, what do i need you for?"

hahahaha

[The Lady of Shadows]

here's a couple DW jokes i leik
What goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?
A Time Lord committing suicide.

what does a catholic dalek say?
EXCOMMUNICATE!!!!




this one was awesome! i really don't get the first one.

[razz]

here's a couple DW jokes i leik
What goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?
A Time Lord committing suicide.

what does a catholic dalek say?
EXCOMMUNICATE!!!!





this one was awesome! i really don't get the first one.
oh come on, Turtle. we discusssed this! *ahem*
regenerate?
don't ask why i put the spoiler tage

[The Lady of Shadows]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, :Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[razz]

:rofl:
i've heard that one before. it's one of my favorites

[UnderTheKillingMoon]

a man sits down on a park bench next to a little boy who has candy wrappers all around him, more candy bars in his lap, and is currently munching one. the old man says "you know that stuff will kill you right?

the boy looks at him and says "my grandpa lived to be 95 years old"

"oh? did he eat massive amounts of candy every day?"

"no," the boy says, "he minded his own fucking business"

[alinda]

Two smalll boys are out walking together.
One looks down and sees some rabbit droppings,
and askes "what are they"? The 2nd boy replies
They are smart pills, eat some. So he does and
says "yuck they taste like sh**"! To which the
2nd boy replys ...see they are working already!! :lol:

[Brice]

:lol:

[B Rag]

One my cousin told me:
A girl with no arms and legs it sitting on a bench by a pond, crying. A man walks by.
"Why are you crying?", he asks.
"I have no arms and legs, so I've never been hugged," she responds. To cheer her up, he hugs her, and then continues on his way.

A second man walks by, and sees her, still crying.
"Why are you crying?", he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she responds. He kisses her and moves on.

A third man walks by, and sees her still crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been fucked." she responds.
The man lifts her up, and throws her in the pond. "Well, now you're fucked!"

[alinda]

::ouch::

[razz]

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.






Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

[Brice]

:lol: I fuckin' love it.

[The Lady of Shadows]

razz you officially have made me snort crystal light peach tea. that joke was fucking great.

[razz]

OOH! peach tea mix! trade you for this disgusting...er i mean...DELICIOUS citrus green tea mix.

[The Lady of Shadows]

so you are trying to kill me. :scared:

[LadyHitchhiker]

STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS

Stray cats will not be fed.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
Stray cats will sleep outside.
Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
Stray cats will sleep in the house.
Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
Stray cats will not play on the desk.
Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9lo9jUSING IT.

[gsvec]

:rofl: I love those stray cat rules - how true!

[The Lady of Shadows]

liz that totally :rock:

[razz]

i live by those rules:cowboy:

[Letti]

My unbeatable joke:

The snail is going home.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Llama Jokes


1. What’s more amazing than a talking llama?
Answer: A spelling bee.

2. Why did the llama cross the road?
Answer: Because the chicken was one vacation.

3. Why do camels, cousins of the llama, have such long, long necks?
Answer: Because their feet really stink.

4. How does a llama communicate with a fish?
Answer: He hums him a line.

5. What’s easy for boy llamas to get into and hard to get out of? Answer: Trouble.

6. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pasture. Pasture who? Isn’t it pasture bedtime?

7. What do guard llamas tell their sheep around the campfire at night?
Answer: They tell each other scary goat stories.

8. Can you say four times really, really fast: Lamebrain lopsided laughing lazy large boy llamas like to lingerly lunch on lawns.

9. Why did the bear sneak very, very quietly past the sleeping llamas which were supposed to be guarding the people’s campsite?
Because he didn’t want to wake up the sleeping bags.

10. A father with three obnoxious children came to the llama ranch. The ranch foreman and the llamas couldn’t believe how badly these children were behaving. When the father told the ranch foreman that he wanted to get some llamas for his children, the ranch foreman said, “I’m very sorry sir, but we don’t do trades.”

[Jean]

grrr, I understood all of them except the most important one! what was it about sleeping bags???

[razz]

8. Can you say four times really, really fast: Lamebrain lopsided laughing lazy large boy llamas like to lingerly lunch on lawns.

ican't say that ONCE, SLOWLY!




Vin Diesel historical facts

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/thumb/5/5e/Monaliesel.jpg/200px-Monaliesel.jpg (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Image:Monaliesel.jpg) http://images.wikia.com/common/releases_200808.2/skins/common/images/magnify-clip.png (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Image:Monaliesel.jpg)
Monaliesel, the ultimate creature of youth.




After the scientist invented the time-travel machine, Vin Diesel goes back in time and fused with Monalisa... Making an ultimate creature: MONALIESEL!



Vin Diesel single handedly brought Taco Bell back to glory by suggesting they make soft tacos the way he does, with 100% ground beef, refried beans, and garnished with the eyes and testicles of his enemies.



Due to common misconception, Vin actually runs on unleaded.



Vin Diesel can solve the rubix cube in one move.



Vin Diesel once ate lego blocks and crapped out the first Transformer toy.



Vin Diesel performed intercourse with Mt. St. Helens in 1941. After retracting his burnt genitals, he constructed a steel cast to protect his pecker from further damage. We know this cast today as the Eiffel Tower. Countrary to popular belief, Mt. St. Helens actually erupted Vin Diesel's semen, which is red in color and up to 500 degrees farenheit.



Star Wars is what happens in Vin Diesel's anatomy.



Vin Diesel once made a go-kart that ran on the hopes and dreams of orphans.

It goes fast.

Really fast.







When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.



Vin Diesel can use Hyper Beam without having to wait a turn to recharge afterward.



Vin Diesel uses midgets as currency, skyscrapers as toothpicks, and wipes his ass with any logs, stones, or babies that are in the area at the time.



Vin Diesel can be used under certain conditions as a table.

That condition is commonly known as "suicidal"





Vin Diesel is also a popular cocktail made from equal parts French wine and motor oil. It is known for its rich, full bouquet and has an SAE grade of 50. Vin actually means wine in Danish (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Danish) and other Scandinavian (http://uncyclopedia.org/index.php?title=Scandinavia&action=edit) languages, so you might say that Vin Diesel's parents did the impossible: They mixed wine and diesel, which is, as many people know, polar and non polar mixed, which should be impossible. But Vin Diesel begs to differ.



"F### you" were the last words he speaks after swimming the entire English Chanel.



Vin Disel has huge muscles in his gluteus maxiums they are hard as steel!!!!! He killed 12 iraqis with his butt.....because I'm completely and utterly retarted!!!!!.....



A 15 minute guitar battle between Diesel's character and Adolf Hitler (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler) (which Diesel easily won) was cut before the final release of Saving Private Ryan.



Vin Diesel invented black, in fact he invented every color of the rainbow except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.



Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock, the sun uses Vinblock.



There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.



Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.



If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.



If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."



In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.



Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.



Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.



Vin Diesel can set the sun on fire by channeling the power of ants through a magnifying glass.



Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.



Vin Diesel's morning breath is widely regarded cross-culturally as a weapon of mass destruction.



The mere mention of Vin Diesel's name has been known to bring Ultimate Warrior to tears.



Vin Diesel invented the Tootsie Pop. Consequently, the number of licks to get to the center is equal to his social security number. If this exact number of licks is achieved, you will be granted eternal life. This is why Bob Barker is still alive and on television.



Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".



Vin Diesel nearly made it to the final table of the 1988 World Series of Poker. Which may not sound like much, but was impressive considering he thought they were playing Go Fish.



Vin Deisel has never in his life, worn sleeves



That's no moon; that's Vin Diesel.



Vin Diesel's wife uses Vin Diesel as a rowing machine.



Vin Diesel isn't afraid of the dark- the dark is afraid of Vin Diesel



There is no Hubble Space Telescope, only Vin Diesel.



Vin Diesel sweats Vaseline



We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear has nothing to fear but Vin Diesel



Vin Diesel put the 'p' in raspberry, just to show that he could.



Vin Diesel once won a game of monopoly while in jail.

[The Lady of Shadows]

grrr, I understood all of them except the most important one! what was it about sleeping bags???

i don't get that one either. :unsure:

[B Rag]

When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.
Vin Diesel can use Hyper Beam without having to wait a turn to recharge afterward.

:lol: Those two are my favs.

But Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird.

[razz]

When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.
Vin Diesel can use Hyper Beam without having to wait a turn to recharge afterward. :lol: Those two are my favs.

But Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird.
:wtf:
nice
i liek this one
Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".

[razz]

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

(http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172531)
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172546)
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172549)
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172551)
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
(http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172552)
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172565)
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
(http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172568)
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172569)
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1172695)
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=1175178)
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=2512395) (New!)
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

[razz]

vin deisel or chuck norris. YOU decide!

i wonder if it would be merged if i were to create a thread. abotu this.

[The Lady of Shadows]

How many dogs does is take to change a lightbulb?

1. Golden Retrievers: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collies: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshunds: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweilers: Make me.

5. Boxers: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Labs: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherds: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terriers: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dogs: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniels: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahuas: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhounds: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherds: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodles: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



How many cats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

[B Rag]

:lol:

[B Rag]

vin deisel or chuck norris. YOU decide!

i wonder if it would be merged if i were to create a thread. abotu this.

You definately should, or else it won't be long before the topic takes over this thread!

By the way; In the beginning, God said, "Let there be light." And Chuck Norris said, "Only if you say 'please'!"

[LadyHitchhiker]

Ts you rock!!!!

[The Lady of Shadows]

Ts you rock!!!!


::bows modestly::

yet i am still not a part of the llamatet. although could i stay a turtle in the llamatet? ::worried::

[leaveittobeezer]

A man is in the doctor's office. The doctor enters and says "Sir, I'm afraid that you are going to have to stop masturbating."
The man, shocked, says "Doctor, why is that?"
The doctor says "B:rofl:ecause, sir, I need to examine you."

[razz]

dammit! you owe me a new Pepsi!
:rofl:

[B Rag]

:rofl:

[razz]

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"

[LadyHitchhiker]

found this on craigslist...sort of appropriate for the number of people who keep putting their dogs up for adoption when they find out they are going to have kids.....
After two long years of being on a waiting list for an agility dog, we have been notified by the breeder that, at long last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!!!

We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be arriving on Monday we MUST place the children into rescue this weekend!

They are described as:

One male - His name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Does have problems with peeing directly in the toilet. Has had chicken Pox and is current on all shots. Tonsils have already been removed. Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained & gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little training he should be able to read soon.

One female - Her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament tested but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy & can be affectionate. Gets along well with other little girls & little boys but does not like to share her toys and therefore would do best in a one child household. She is a very quick learner and is currently working on her house training-shouldn't take long at all.

We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right for them; that is why we contacted a rescue group. But we simply can no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy.

I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have a real emergency here!!! They MUST be placed into your rescue by Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has to be our new puppy.

[razz]

:rofl:
that's me in ten years.

[BeDaN]

Ok I heard this one, it's a little raunchy and I apologize to the women because it's kinda nasty, so i'm gonna put it in a spoiler be warned.

Why did God give women yeast infections?


So they would know what it's like to live with a dirty cunt.

[cappsy]

here's a couple DW jokes i leik
What goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?
A Time Lord committing suicide.

what does a catholic dalek say?
EXCOMMUNICATE!!!!




there only supposed to be nine bang thuds sorry it was buggin me

[razz]

touche'

[alinda]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when
> the
> Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
>
> WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get
> married
> Again?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
>
> WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
>
> HUSBAND : 'Of course I do.'
>
> WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
>
> WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
>
> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>
> WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
>
> WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
>
> WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
>
> W IFE : 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to
> do.'
>
> WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
>
> HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
>
> WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?
>
> HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'
>
> WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?
>
> HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'
>
> WIFE: -- silence --
>
> HUSBAND: 'sh**...
>
>
>
> ________________________________
>

[leaveittobeezer]

haha good one

[leaveittobeezer]

An elderly couple are getting on in years and are worried that they may be developing Alzheimer's. So they go to their doctor who proceeds to run a battery of tests.

When the tests come back, the doctor calls them up & tells them that they are negative for Alzheimer's. They are just getting old & forgetfullness is normal. he tells them merely to write things down that they would like to remember.

That night they are watching Wheel of Fortune when the husband gets up and walks toward the kitchen.
"Where are you going?" asks the wife.
"I'm going to get some ice cream," he replies.
"That sounds delicious. Bring me a bowl of chocolate," the wife says. "And write it down like the doctor said to"
"I think I can remember chocolate ice cream, dear," he grumbles.
"But I'd like sprinkles & whipped cream & a cherry as well," she says, "So write it down, please."
Her husband assures her that he can remember and heads into the kitchen.
He comes out 10 minutes later and hands her a plate of bacon & eggs. She looks at the plate angrily and then glares at her husband.
"You see? I told you that you needed to write it down... you forgot my fucking toast!"
:rofl:

[Jackie]

A robber opened a window and stepped in a house. He clicked on his flashlight and started to look for electrionics and valuables. He Un-plugged a dvd player and put it in his nap sack. All of the sudden he heard a disembodied voice say "Jesus is watching you"

He froze where he was and clicked his flashlight off. After a while he turned his flashlight on and went back to business. As he went to un-plug the stero he once again heard the disembodied voice. This time he scanned the room with the flashlight till he found a bird cage. He said to the bird "Who are you?" The bird said "I'm Moses" The robber says "What kind of people name a bird Moses?!" The bird replies "The same kind of people who name a three hundred rotwiler Jesus"

[LadyHitchhiker]

Ts you rock!!!!


::bows modestly::

yet i am still not a part of the llamatet. although could i stay a turtle in the llamatet? ::worried::

Absolutely or you could be a turtlellama or a llamaturtle... whatever you want!!!!!! :D

[LadyHitchhiker]

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Red!!!

[LadyHitchhiker]

THREE WOMEN,TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,

WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

'THAT WAS MY PAGER ,SHE SAID.I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER

THE SKIN OF MY ARM.'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.

THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,

THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE ,I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.

NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........

WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX ' !!

[LadyHitchhiker]

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ..

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store...do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular,'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a trans planted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin.' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the predicti on of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

[LadyHitchhiker]

I don't care if you lick windows,

take the special bus

or occasionally pee on yourself..

You hang in there sunshine, you're definitely special

[LadyHitchhiker]

From a retired teacher !



These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by
teachers in the New York City Public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold
it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
[these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them awhile.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of&nbs p;
the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.

Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'



7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, Fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'


4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. It's good to know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.........Sign here.'

[razz]

proof that George Bush is retarded: a Who's on first spoof

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[idk, my bff jill?]

Hahahaha. That was hilarious.

Here's one:
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home, dad. You're drunk."

[razz]

:rofl: nice one!

[KaLikeAWheel]

Slight blasphemy spoiler tag:

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[razz]

:arg:
Nothing happens when i press it.

[alinda]

:lol:

[idk, my bff jill?]

The anticipation is building.

[Louise]

a Dyslexic man walks into a Bra

Short but Sweet

[gsvec]

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e73/gsvec/Smilies/laugh3.gif

[The Lady of Shadows]

:arg:
Nothing happens when i press it.


oh shit. a spoiler tag that razzle dazzle can't access. be careful here folks. he might go all "rage" on us. . . . :lol:

[KaLikeAWheel]

:arg:
Nothing happens when i press it.
Here ya go, Razz. Probably didn't deserve a spoiler, but you never know who you'll offend...For you, I'll takes my chances. :fairy:


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.



Donna

[The Lady of Shadows]

i think it's funny as hell. (ummm, no pun intended.)

:lol:

[razz]

:rofl:

[B Rag]

:lol:

[LadyHitchhiker]

Here's a joke I made up:

What kind of food would Britney Spears be?

A pop tart!!!

[LadyHitchhiker]

Have you ever had one of those customer service calls where you find yourself saying things you don't believe?

This is so priceless....and so easy to see happening, given the state of customer service these days....
She's dead, Jim! An anstonishing yet believeable customer service call that may have you rolling...

My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she deceased in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't setup to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."

[LadyHitchhiker]

Forest Gump and St. Peter

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
Christian Humor Sites

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"


Day After Christmas

The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.

We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly, "In the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."


The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child

Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
Creation

In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.

Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.

Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.

Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
Hilarious Christian Jokes
Noah

The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph

Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
Moses

Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.

Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.
Joshua

Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David

David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.
Solomon

One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He?
Jonah and Other Prophets

After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.

There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.
The New Testament

When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."

Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.

Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.

Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.


Men in Heaven - Who is the Head of the Household?

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


Southern Baptist at the Race Track

Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
Christian Jokes

One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.

At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.

A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.

This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.

At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.

The horse came in dead last!

As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."

"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."


Dollar Bills
Clean Religious Jokes

There was two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said, "I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo and baseball games."

"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."

"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.

"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."

The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"

Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?

When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.


Catholic Heart Attack

After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.

"No," he replied, "No health insurance."

"Do you have any money in the bank?" asked the nun.

"No. No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?"

The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

At this the nun because irritated. "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"

"OK, then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


The Pope Wants to Drive

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
The Pope was still standing on the curb. God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He?

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
Bigger Free Christian Jokes

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"


Jonah and the Whale
Hmmm. Related Image

One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.

Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."

Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."


The Lord is My Shepherd

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2 nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. She gave the children a month to learn the chapter.

One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"


The Athiest in the Woods

Christian Humor and Jokes An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,

"How beautiful the animals are!"

"How majestic the trees are!"

"How powerful the rivers are!"

As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"

The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."


Hymns for People Over 50
God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He?

Give Me the Old Timers Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

[The Lady of Shadows]

the forrest gump one was meh. the rest of them :lol: especially the bear one.

[gsvec]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Houston, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine - and the head and the ass are interchangeable!'

[alinda]

:clap:

[Ka-mai]

:lol:

[Sam]

What does a snail sitting on a turtles head say?
Weeeeeeeeeee!

What does a sick cow say?
Boooooooo!

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a scotch on the rocks. The bartender asks "will that be cash or credit?" The duck says "Just put it on my bill."

Two Jews walk into a bar, one looks at the other and says, "Aw shit, is this another stupid bar joke?"

A priest and rabbi had become good friends after have places of worship across the street from each other for more than two decades. Each one would try at least once a month to convert the other to their respective religion. One day the priest stepped out to sweep the steps only to see his friend the rabbi dive from the path of a speeding car that had run onto the sidewalk outside of the synagogue. The priest rushed over to his friends side to help him up. He helped brush the rabbi off and was stunned when he saw the rabbi make the sign of the cross over his body.
"My friend" the priest said happily, "after all these years, why didn't you tell me you finally converted?"
The rabbi looked confused and asked, "Converted? What do you mean converted, I've done nothing of the sort."
"But I saw you when you got up from that brush with death. You genuflected." The priest made the sign of the cross over his body the same way the rabbi had.
The rabbi laughed, "Ahhhh. No my friend, I haven't converted. I was just checking to make sure everything was there." He touched his body as he said, "You know spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch."

This next one is raunchy. You have been warned.



What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

[Sam]

From my wife:

What food would Jeff Foxworthy be?
A Georgia Cracker

[mystima]

want to read a clean joke?
tommy took a bath with bubbles...
want to read a dirty one?
Bubbles is the girl next door.

god was on earth one day passing out sex lives,
he went up to man and told him he would give him 20 years
man thought it was good. he asked god if he could go with him to pass out more.
god said ok
so god and man went to the various animals
he went to the lion and told the lion
i will give you a 20 year sex life
the lion replied i only need 10
well god didn't know what to do with the extra 10
man said that he would take it
so god gave the extra 10 to man
then god went up to the chimpanzee
i will give you a 20 year sex life
the chimp replied that he only needed 10
man raised his hand and said i will take it
and again god gave the extra to man
and finally god came up to the donkey
i will give you a 20 year sex life
and the donkey replied that he only needed 10
and without asking because god knew that man would take it anyway
and gave man the extra 10 years
so after god passed out sex lives to all the animals and man
man had his normal 20 year sex life...
then he lied around
then he monkeyed around
and finally made a total ass of himself.

[LadyHitchhiker]

What do you call two blondes in a freezer?

Frosted flakes.

Why did the blonde have a burned nose?

Because she was bobbing for french fries.

[gsvec]

A woman was asked by a young child how old she was. She answered, "39 and holding."

The child thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

[LadyHitchhiker]

(this is one of my favorites of all time)

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Little Johnny looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

[mystima]

little tommy comes home from school in a bad mood.
everyone at school that day seemed to just pick on him
so while he is outside cleaning out the pig stall on their farm he kicked the pig.
(pig squeels)
mom heard the pig and ran outside and asked him why he kicked the pig
he said that he had a bad day at school.
she told him that it was not a good reason and that the consequences would be
that he would not have any bacon with breakfast for a month
well that didn't make tommy feel any better.
so he went on doing his chores and was in the chicken coop and he was still angry
and he kicked a chicken
(chicken sound)
mom heard the chicken and ran outside again and asked him why he kicked the
chicken.
he told her that he was still mad and that her yelling at him didn't help his mood.
she then responded that it was still not a good idea to kick the chicken and that
his punishment would be no eggs for breakfast for a month and that his dad would talk to
him when he got home and sent him to his room.
well it looks like all the men in the family are having a bad day
dad comes home and he is angry. he comes in the house throws down his
briefcase and kicks the cat that unluckily found its way to his foot.
(meeeoooooowwwww)
little tommy hears this and runs down the stairs and asks his mother
well should i tell him or should you.:panic:

[Brice]

:rofl:

[Iwritecode]

Actual letters to landlords

1. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
3. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
4. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
5. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
6. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
9. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
10. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawersand made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

***********************

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland".

The man arched an eyebrow.

"Anything?"

"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.

With that, the man said,

"Follow me."

He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door."

She did. He then said, "Get on your knees."

She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper."

She did.

He said, "Go ahead...take it out."

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly,

"HELLO.....MOM??"

[Iwritecode]

SEX IS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Usually everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing. One day, I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said I was looking for Sex. My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog" he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", And the clerk said "Yes, I get that too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said "Show off!" I told him it was a contest. He told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said "Me too." When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me "What seems to be the trouble" I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

[mystima]

a farmer and his wife are sitting on their front porch when a flying saucer lands in their front yard.

the farmer went up to the saucer and an alien that looked quite human stepped out of the ship.

the alien walked over to the farmer and said
"I have heard the strangest things while listening to your radio and television broadcasts."
"what have you heard?" asked the farmer
"well you have a custom me and my mate would like to try if that is okay with you?"
"what custom would that be?" the farmer asked
"wife swapping," the alien replied, "we would like to see how this works."
"i would have to talk it over with my wife first but if she is okay with it then i won't mind swapping with yours." the farmer then walked back to the porch where his wife was still sitting and told him what the aliens wanted. surprisingly enough she agreed the the switch.

the wife went with the alien on the craft and the alien female went with the farmer on the farm.
when the wife and the alien got into the bedroom of the craft they proceeded to disrobe. when the wife looked at the alien she started laughing hysterically.
the alien asks "what is so funny?"
"well your manhood looks like my son's did when he was born!"
"oh that is not a problem, come and turn my left ear."
she went up and turned his left ear.
his manhood grew longer with each turn.
but to no avail she couldn't help but laugh again
"what is funny now?" he asked
"well its nice that it can get longer but it looks like a pencil"
"well turn my right ear."
she turned his right ear and was amazed at how it's girth increased
"okay that's more like it"
well they had their night together in the spaceship and went back to the farm house the next morning.
after breakfast the aliens left and the farmer and his wife were in the kitchen cleaning up the morning dishes and the farmer asked her how her night was with the alien.
"it was good...how was your night?" she asked
"it was okay but the darn alien bitch kept messing with my damn ears all night long!!!":onfire:

[SpaceMaN]

What's the worthless piece of skin around a vagina called?

Woman.

[B Rag]

:clap:

[CaptainTrips]

There was a little boy shaking up a bottle of turpentine, watching the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the boy what he had
"This here's turpentine, the most powerful liquid in the world", the boy replied.
"The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water", said the priest " You rub it on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a healthy baby."
"That's nothing", said the boy,"You rub turpentine on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley-Davidson".

[flaggwalkstheline]

What would Marilyn Monroe be Doing if she were alive right now?

Clawing at the inside of her coffin!!!!

[cappsy]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[cappsy]

a man tells his doctor"i get a boner every time i look in the mirror" the doctor just smiles and says to the man "well your dick knows a pussy when it sees one"

[flaggwalkstheline]

A man walks into the psychologists office and says to the receptionist " Can the doctor help me? I think Im shrinking and turning invisible!"
the receptionist says "I'm sorry the doctor can't see you right now, you'll have to be a little patient"

[razz]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you tit. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

[Ryan]

A man, wrapped in saran wrap, walks into a Psychiatrists. The doctor says, I can clearly see your nuts....:wtf:...:rofl:...:nana:

[ManOfWesternesse]

> Subject: Blonde joke ... One of the best
>
> There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is a brunette and they
> inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are
> in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
> farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so
> that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
>
> Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
> decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and bring
> me home.'
>
> The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
> she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
> less.
>
> After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
> telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
> says, 'I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've
> bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute
> and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
>
> The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
> adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'
>
> Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left She
> realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a
> few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the
> word 'comfortable.'
>
> The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
> want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here to haul
> that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word comfortable?'
>
> The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. It's a big word.
> She'll read it very slowly .......... com-for-da-bul'

[Ryan]

Jim-Bob and Bobby-Joe were sitting at the quiet end of the bar on a tuesday morning.....
JB - hey bobby joe, lemme ask you a question
BJ - sure Jim Bob
JB - if you was on a weekend fishin trip with good buddy of yours and you wakes up in the moanin with yar drawers down with one uh those condoms hangin out your rear would you be apt to tell anyun about it?
BJ - Heck no Jim Bob waddya think I'm crazy, Everyone wud laugh at me.

*both take a drink of their beers

JB - so, Bobby Joe, you, uh, wanna, umm, like, go fishin this weekend?

pa dum bum:scared:

[Jean]

which reminds me (sorry, the translation is mine and may be inadequate):

Three men are talking about what to do at weekend; one says:

"We could learn to play golf. What, you don't know? It's quite easy, all we need is a club, a ball and a hole. I even happen to have a club somewhere at home."
"Sounds ok, I think I have a ball somewhere," says another.
Then the third:
"I AM DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO PLAY YOUR PERVERTED GAMES!!!"

[alinda]

:wtf:

[Letti]

> Subject: Blonde joke ... One of the best
>
> There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is a brunette and they
> inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are
> in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
> farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so
> that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
>
> Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
> decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and bring
> me home.'
>
> The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
> she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
> less.
>
> After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
> telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
> says, 'I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've
> bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute
> and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
>
> The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
> adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'
>
> Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left She
> realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a
> few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the
> word 'comfortable.'
>
> The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
> want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here to haul
> that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word comfortable?'
>
> The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. It's a big word.
> She'll read it very slowly .......... com-for-da-bul'

:wtf: priceless

[ICry4Oy]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Ryan]

True Story.
A mans wife gets mauled by a Worthog. He calls 911
Operator: 911, what's the nature of your emergency
Man: My wife was just attacked by a worthog
Operator: Ok sir, we're going to dispatch an ambulance. What's your address?
Man: I live at 23 Eucalyptus Street
Operator: Can you spell that please sir.
Man: ...(silence)... Ya, I'm going to go ahead and drag her over to Oak Street

[cappsy]

not really a joke but a funny qoute
"my mom never relised the irony in calling me a son of a bitch"

[idk, my bff jill?]

"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins, then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."

- Steven Wright

[Letti]

"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins, then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."

- Steven Wright

:wtf:

[cappsy]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

[razz]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others… MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..THE GUYS

[The Lady of Shadows]

:nope:


:unsure:


:lol:

[Ste Letto]

There are three old women on holiday by the seaside.

The first one says "Isn't it windy today?"

The second one says "No, it's Thursday."

The third says "So am I, let's go get a cup of tea."

[alinda]

It's strange but today when I told my son my face hurt he replied..

Thats funny , it's killing me!:wtf:

[razz]

3 men jump out of a crashing plane, and wind up on a tropical island. Unfortunately for them the island is populated by a tribe of cannibals. One of the Cannibals, who knows english, explains to the men that they will be ritually devoured, and that afterwords their bones will be used to construct houses, and their skin will be used to make canoes. The men are however, allowed to choose the manner in which they perish, and so are left alone for an hour to deliberate.

The first man chooses to cut his own throat, but doesn't quite manage it correctly, dying horribly. The second man requests that his head be bashed in with a single blow to spare him such pain. The third man asks only for a fork. The natives are perplexed, but soon deliver to him the requested utensil. Without wasting any time the man begins to stab himself over and over. As the man is suffering greatly the natives try to stop him asking, "Why would you choose to suffer so much?!" The man keeps jabbing the fork into himself and begins laughing maniacally. "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"

[Woofer]

I always read this thread title as Beat My Jake. http://psionguild.org/forums/images/smilies/wolfsmilies/HighlySurprised.gif

[razz]

:wtf:

[Ste Letto]

I thought I heard an onion singing a bee gees song, but then I realised it was just a chive talking!

[cappsy]

there were three guys on an island a black guy a white guy and a mexican one day a shark came up to the shore and says"hey you guys need a ride to shore" the white guys says sure and hops on the shark swims about half way toshore flips the guy off his back and eats him so the next day the shark comes back and asks whose going so the black guy hesitantly gets on. again the shark takes him half way out and eats him the next day the shark comes back for the mexican and he says "ohh hell no i heard that guy scream yesterday you ate him i know it" to which the shark replies "yes but i promise i wont eat you" so the mexican beliving him hops on so the shark takes him to shore
mexican: why didnt you eat me
Shark: because last time i had mexican food it burned my ass for a week.

[B Rag]

What's the worthless piece of skin around a vagina called?

Woman.

I told this one to a couple friends a while back, and it was very well received.:thumbsup:

[Cort]

A woman comes home one night having just found out her husband has cheated on her,she grabs aknife from the kitchen and as she storms into the bedroom she sees her husband asleep on the bed. Screaming she pulls off the bed sheets and lops of his penis with one chop.The man awakes and screams ,the woman runs from the house to her car and speeds off.A few miles later she races past a police car and the cops hit the sireins. Realising she is still holding the penis in her hand the woman throws out the window where it bounces off the cops window."we gotta catch that maniac" the driver says to his partner.His partner who is still looking out the back says"never mind her,did you see the size of the cock on that fly?"

[razz]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only To be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good
morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your
time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."

"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said, "not until you have at
least seen my demonstration."

With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old
lady stepped back and said "Well I hope you've got a darn good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke
did you not understand?"

[Lily-sai]

Hm, I think I'll give you an example of a joke in sign language. Sign language allows you have gajillions new possibilities to tell jokes. ^^

Ok, there's three hikers wandering downhill a mountain. Usually we Finns say there's a Swede, a Russian and a Finn, but nationalities vary in different countries, of course. A storm has suddenly come upon them, and the hikers try to hurry back down. Alas, the bridge stretching over a deep canyon is broken down due of the storm. The Swedish hiker is confident he can jump over the canyon. Off he goes, jumps.. and falls down. Now it's Russian's turn. He manages to jump further, but just barely. His hands touch the edge.. and falls down. The Finn laughs and jumps...

When the joke-teller signs 'jump' his/her fingers literally jump to the listener's face (I usually target at his/her nose). It's so hilarious to see when people are so startled and in extreme cases, almost fall down from their chairs. :evil:

[<ô> bango skank <ô>]

her's one for ya.

A man goes into a bar a looks at the menu. Hotdog £2.00, Burger £2.00, hand job £100.00
the guy looks behind the bar exitedly and sees a beautiful woman. he waves her over and asks "are you the one who give the hand jobs?" she smiles and answers "yes" "well go and wash your hands, then make me a burger."

[idk, my bff jill?]

Oh, man! Those two last ones were fucking hilarious! :rofl:!

Two Steven Wright jokes:

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

"Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, 'Hello?' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?' They said, 'Uh . . . I don't think so . . . he's only 2 months old.' I said, 'I'll wait.'"

[<ô> bango skank <ô>]

hehehehehe!!!!

think i may of posted this somwhere but...

whats the diffenece between an arsonist and *insert most hated sports team/personality, i go for newcastle UTD.* An arsonist wouldn't loose his last ten matches.

Now i've done my own head in. What was that arsonist in the stand called, ive lent out my copy? Was going to make the joke King related but never mind.

[razz]

Trashcan Man?

[<ô> bango skank <ô>]

Thankyou!!! i hate it when i do that to myself.

anyway joke. Man looking looking in a mirror naked asks his wife "why do i always get an erection when look at myself naked?" she replies "even you dick thinks you're an arse."

[Goblin]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

'His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

[<ô> bango skank <ô>]

how do you make your lady scream during sex? phone her cell and make her listern.

[<ô> bango skank <ô>]

this isn't my opimion so dont get offended ladies. just thought it was funny.

how do you blind a woman?
put a windshield infront of her

i've come over all Cullum.

[Sam]

This one belongs to a woman I know, so blame her.

If a woman swallows after oral sex, is she considered a mass murderer?

[razz]

Bubba Knows Everybody

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what - I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[razz]

http://indiefilmla.com/blur_comic_010.jpg

[razz]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

[razz]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Sam]

:onfire:HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[Claude Clay]

a man had a dog with no legs--he called him cigarette.

once a day he would put the leash on and take him for a drag.

[razz]

who cares what the dog was called, it wasn't coming anyways :P

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

A man dies and goes to Hell. As he approaches Satan he realizes where he is, and he gets very upset. He begins to plead, saying that he hadnt lived a bad life. He just liked to have a good time. He didnt feel like he had hurt anyone, so how had it happened that he had ended up in hell.
Satan begins to console him, saying" Ahh come on, its not that bad. You like to drink dont you?"
"Well, yeah.....yeah I like to drink." the man replies.
"Then your gonna like Thursdays" says Satan. " Yeah Thursday is drink night in Hell. We've got whiskey, vodka, beer, wine.....what ever you like. And the best part is that there is no hangover the next day because....well.....you're already dead"
The man begins to perk up a little. "Well that sounds alright" he says.
"You like drugs?" Satan continues.
"Sure, I like drugs" The man states, now becoming more enthusiastic.
"Well then you'll like Fridays" says Satan. "Friday is Drug Day in Hell. Yep, we got pot, coke, crack, smack, acid.....whatever your poison. And the best part is.. its all free...and good quality too."
Now becoming a little excited, the man says "Well that sounds pretty good... but, I guess there has to be a catch."
"No catch" replies Satan. " I mean...........You ARE gay aren't you"
"No.......No I'm not gay at all" says the man"

"Oh.........Weeelllllllll.....Saturdays are gonna be a little rough then"

[idk, my bff jill?]

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
-Steven Wright

[Ka-tet]

So theres two muffins cooking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man is it hot in here" to which the second muffin replys "HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

:wtf:

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

So theres two muffins cooking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man is it hot in here" to which the second muffin replys "HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

:wtf:

Look at the first joke of this thread.........Ka is a wheel.
haha

[razz]

-_-

same poster too XD

[William50]

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

[razz]

:wtf:

[William50]

I agree, razz. :doh:

[idk, my bff jill?]

Herpes.
That's what's wrong with it.

[William50]

h..h..h..herpes??? :panic:

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

How do you make a clown stop laughing?

Hit him in the face with an axe!

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

Here is a good story.

My niece, at about 2 years old, was with my family at church. Noone was paying close attention to her, and when my mother looked over at her, she spied her busily scribbling in the hymnal. My mother, of course, told her to stop. My niece replied, " But nobody can see me." My mother then solemnly told her that "Jesus can see you". At this point my neice was quiet for a few minutes, and we thought that it was over. Then my mom looked over and saw these big tears rolling down my niece's face. My mom asked her what was wrong and she blurted out " Do you thing Jesus will call the cops?"

[Ka-tet]

So theres two muffins cooking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man is it hot in here" to which the second muffin replys "HOLY SHIT!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

:wtf:

Look at the first joke of this thread.........Ka is a wheel.
haha


Indeed, it has been a while lol.

[IWasSentWest]

:dance:i read an excerpt from sai king in my lit. book and he told this one, so i shall share before i write my real one...what's the difference between a truckload full of babies and a truckload full of bowling balls.

you can't unload a truckload full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.....ouch

-----------------------

ok here we go:

a ten year old kid is walking down the street, dragging a flattened frog by a string. he walks into the local brothel, and starts talking to the lady. he tells the woman that he wants any whore she's got that has an std. the woman, who is puzzled, obliges because hell she's already doing things illegal, might as well make some dough. so she tells the boy "go to the first door on the right"
ten minutes later, the boy walks out, after having sex with the whore. before he can walk out the door, the puzzled woman asks "why did you want a prostitute of mine who had an std?". the boy then smiles and responds "when i leave here, i am going home to my babysitter. she likes to fondle and fuck little boys. when my parents get home, my dad will then take the girl home, during which he will fuck her because he likes younger woman. once he get's home, him and my mom will have sex because, well, that's what married people do. and when my dad goes to work in the morning, my mom will fuck the mail man. and that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog"

:dance:

[razz]

a bit risque but nothing unheard before I think. :/
also, big pic
http://imgur.com/X2eHz.jpg

[IWasSentWest]

haha i like that one

[razz]

Once, there was a boy who loved to read. He read everything he could get his hands on, and loved going to his favorite book store. One day, the boy realized he had read everything the store had to offer. He confronted the owner, and asked him if he had anything the boy had never checked out. The owner said why, yes, I do, and pulled out a book called “Death”. He gladly sold it to the boy at a discounted price of $50. However, he warned the boy, never to read the front page.

Well, the boy returned to his house and read the book, and he was content. However, he always wondered, what could be on that front page, it was always in the back of his mind. One day, the temptation was too much for the boy, and he flipped to the very front of the book, and dropped the book in HORROR.

There, in bold print, was MSRP $6.99

[razz]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[rosie real]

:wtf:

[razz]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:




"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"

[Sickrose]

A woman takers her dog to the vets because it is bumping into things.

The vet picks the dog up; looks into his eyes, and turns to face the woman.

''I am afraid miss, I am going to have to put the dog down.

The woman is hysterical ''but why'' she aks

Because he is too fucking heavy!

[Brice]

:lol:

[deanmc27]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

BWAAHAHAHAHA

[Darkthoughts]

:lol:!! Brilliant :D

My kids told me this one, I love it...

Why are pirates called pirates?


Because they arrrrrrrrr! :pirate:

[razz]

How do you tell if your neighbor is a stoner?

Go next door and ask for a potholder. If he gives you a ziplock bag, he's a stoner.

[Flavio]

Here I tell you the best joke I've ever heared:

There are two persons walking and one asks the other: Hey dude, do you have a lighter?
And the other guy says: Wait, I will see...
Then the guy starts touching all his body and looking in his pockets untill the other guy says: Well, do you have a lighter or not?!
And the other man says: Nope, but you have to see how hot my body is dude!
:clap::clap::clap:
Laught or...... :cowboy: will :shoot: you...
XD

[Quicksilver]

A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender:

I'll have a .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..........................beer".

The bartender says......"What's with the big pause"?

The bear looks at his feet and says "I donno.....I've always had them".

[velcro_fly]

Two ducks are swimming across a pond

One says "Quack"

The other one says, "I was going to say that"

[Iwritecode]

Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender leaves he hears, "Hey, I like your shirt." He looks around wondering who said it and didn't see anyone.

As he sits drinking his beer he hears the voice again. "You have really nice pants."

Again he doesn't see anyone around him. He mentions it to the bartender and the bartender replies "That's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."

[Brice]

:lol:

[Nonline]

This is more like a general wisdom:
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese...

[blunthead]

A priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?".

[Joe315]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week

[Tommy]

Two boys come down from their rooms for breakfast. Their mother asks the first boy "What do you want for breakfast?"

The boy replies "Give me a biscuit and some damn grits."

The mother proceeds to whoop the first boy all over the kitchen, making the boy scream and cry and beg for mercy.

When she was through, she turned to the second boy and asked "Well what do you want for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I dunno but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want none of them damn grits!"

[T-Dogz_AK47]

Here's one me hearties.... http://i438.photobucket.com/albums/qq106/Selina_catz/emoticons/costumes%20and%20animals/pirate.gif

Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

A: Because they spend years at C.

Arrrrrrr! http://i554.photobucket.com/albums/jj417/Shar_dreamer/Pirates%20Arrrrgh/laugh.gif

[Sai Sheb]

Is there a limit to how adult jokes can be?

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

Nothing else in this forum is really limited.

Maybe put it in a spoiler and give a warning if you think it would be potentially offensive.

[Sai Sheb]

As the body of a beautiful woman was brought into the funeral home the head mortician was called away and left his understudy in charge. After a while the understudy call with a question! 'Sir, what do I do with the prawn' . He said... 'what prawn?'.. 'The prawn in between her legs' ...
Oh! That's not a prawn that is the woman's clitoris'.... so with that said the understudy says " it sure tastes like a prawn...

[blunthead]

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

[blunthead]

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

[blunthead]

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

[blunthead]

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

[blunthead]

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”

The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”.

[blunthead]

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

[Sai Sheb]

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and the father shouts get out get out go back to bed so with this little boy leaves the room after half an hour there's a lot of Commotion coming from the grandmothers room so into the grandmothers room the father and the mother run and there's the little boy mountain the grandmother the father says what do you think you're doing? The boy says, Ha, it's not so funny when it's your mother is it.

[blunthead]

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
_______________

A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!”

The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”
_______________

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
_______________

This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".

The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
_____________

Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.

"Blood," orders the first vampire.

"Make it two," says the second.

The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"

"Plasma," says the vampire.

"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."

[blunthead]

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!"

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I’m sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
____________

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

[TravelinJack]

Little Johnny vs Math Teacher (My take on an oldie but a goodie)

----

Little Johnny hated math class. His seat was front and center. It was without a doubt the chair and the student who sat in it that was most often called upon. Last Friday was no different.

"Good morning class. Let's jump right into it shall we? Not to worry, we'll start easy," Mrs. Kingston said as she looked about the room.

Little Johnny placed his hand to his forehead as he looked down at his desk. Not today lady, please not today, he thought to himself.

"Ok, now listen up closely class," she said as she drew a long horizontal line across the chalkboard. She walked back over to the middle of the line and drew four crude birds. "There are four crows sitting on a power line," she tapped the chalk a few times as she said this. "Farmer Henry comes out and shoots one," she scratches a large 'X' over one of the birds. "How many do we have left?" She asked, once again looking about the room for raised hands. There were none.

No, don't do it, Little Johnny repeated in his head.

"No takers today, I see." Mrs. Kingston scrunched her face. "I guess, since I have no volunteers to answer, I'll just have to pick one of you."

Little Johnny did everything possible to remain still. His head was looking down avoiding eye contact.

"Johnny, why don't you tell the class how many crows are left?"

His face reddened and without looking up he said, "none."

"Excuse me Johnny, can you say that a little louder for the class to hear?"

Little Johnny lifted his head and did as he was asked. "None," he called out.

"Johnny, can you please explain your answer?"

"The farmer shot a gun, he hit the one, and the others flew away." He stated this with confidence and pride.

"No Johnny, the answer is Three. The farmer shot one, leaving three crows. But I like the way you think."

Little Johnny shifted in his chair and scoffed at the absurdity of this illogical rubbish that was being taught. He thrust one arm into the air.

"Yes Johnny, you have a question?" Mrs. Kingston said as she tilted her head.

"Yes, I do." He grinned and looked right at her as he said this.

"Go on then Johnny."

"Ok. There are three ladies sitting on a bench. Each with a vanilla swirl ice cream cone," he looked at her confirming she was paying attention.

"Yes, ok continue," she said.

"The first lady was licking her ice cream from the base of the cone to the top, in short quick licks. The second was placing the ice cream deep into her mouth and slowly pulling it out as her lips wrapped around the ice cream. The third was taking small quick nibbles up and down the ice cream in random places."

Mrs. Kingston was listening to Johnny surprised at herself for how entranced she was by the detail of the questions. She nodded as to go on.

"Which one of those ladies is married?" Little Johnny asked as his cheeks raised in a smile.

"Well, um, I don't know what to say. I suppose it would likely be the second lady," she said with little hesitation.

"No Mrs. Kingston, that is incorrect." His smile grew bigger showing teeth. "It's the lady with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

[Merlin1958]

A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!”

The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”


:thumbsup: :YYY::YYY::YYY:

[blunthead]

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look 
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”

[amd013]

There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

[Sai Sheb]

Twonuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel

[kingfan2323]

Why is a giraffe's neck so long?



Because it's head is so far from its body.

seeking: ANYTHING DT related #246
Dead Zone 1st Edition F/F or NF/NF

[Joe315]

https://i.imgur.com/G8fy1fq.jpg

[Ricky]

What happened to the butcher who sat on his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

[Sai Sheb]

Guy walks into his local butcher and asked "wheres the new meat guy you had working here?"
Butcher replied "had to sack him... he was caught sticking his penis into the meat grinder".
"Wow" said the man "what happened to the meat grinder?"

"Had to sack her too" said the butcher...

[Picklemaniac]

Is this thread still active? If so, nothing can beat this one.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

“Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

“The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”

[Sai Sheb]

What do you call an IT teacher who stands to close to his pupils???

a PDF File...

[T-Dogz_AK47]

I knew an awesome joke about amnesia... but I can't remember how it goes. :doh:

[fernandito]

Is this thread still active? If so, nothing can beat this one.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

“Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

“The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”

tl;dr

[Sai Sheb]

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach ?

The guy who can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.

Who is the most popular girl ? The one that can eat the last doughnut

[Jon]

Is this thread still active? If so, nothing can beat this one.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

“Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

“The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”

That was a looong way to go for that one!

LOL...thanks!

[Sai Sheb]

Is this thread still active? If so, nothing can beat this one.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

“Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

“The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”

That was a looong way to go for that one!

LOL...thanks!

Long way to for a pain in the arse

[Sai Sheb]

Ok... this is the quick fire round!
If you are easily offended, insulated or disgusted please dint read... for the rest if ya.


1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.


3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!


9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.

11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.

13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.


15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

16. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.

19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.


21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

24. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.


26. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!

27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

28. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.


32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!

36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil!

37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.


39. Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.


45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob

[Jon]

What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

NICE!

[Sai Sheb]

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q: What do you get when you cross and owl and a rooster? A: A cock that stays up all night long.

Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas? A: He can't find the zipper!

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner? A: He smashed his his nose.

Q: What happens when you make a penis out of Legos? A: You get COCK BLOCKed.

Q: How many knees do men really have? A: 3.... right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

Q: What did the penis say to the vagina? A: Don't make me cum in there.

Q: What do you call an endowed puppet? A: Well strung.

Q: What do you call an erection when listening to hymns? A: an organ boner

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: What did the O say to the Q? A: "Dude, your dick's hanging out."

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a cock? A: The man.

Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period? A: She could taste the blood on her son's dick!

Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms? A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

Q: How many parrots can you fit down a man's pants? A: Depends on the length of the perch.

Q: Why do Justin Biebers male friends nickname him "Shotgun"? A: Give him a cock and he'll Blow!

Q: What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me im going in!
Had a fight with a erection, this morning. I BEAT IT SINGLE HANDEDLY.

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A: a dicktator!

Q: What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A: A urination.

Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker.

I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock But it's in his ass and belongs to Usher.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A: So men can be open minded.

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm bank say when clients are leaving? A: Thanks for coming!

Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common? A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

Q: What do rich people drink when they are jerking off? A: A Fapacchino.

Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame? A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut? A: Dont talk to the guy in the middle, hes a dick.

Q: What happens when you beat off in the summer? A: You get heat-stroke.

Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men? A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road? A: His dick was stuck in the chicken

Q: What do you ask a angry dick? A: Is someone messing with your head?

Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? A: Beef strokin' off.

Q: What is a diaphragm? A: A trampoline for dickheads.

Q: What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A: A Terrorwrist

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it we're closed.

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple? A: The grip!

Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough. Q: What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs? A: Clever dick.

Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common? A: Both contain a cockpit

Q: What do you call a sunburnt penis? A: Sunny D

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with A telephone pole? A: a 10 foot cock that wants to touch someone.

Girl "I wear heels bigger than your dick!" Guy: "I take shits fresher than your pussy."

Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What did the left nut said to the right nut? A: Look at the dude in the middle tryna look all hard.

Q: Where does a penis get its sports gear? A: Dicks sporting goods

Q: Do you know Myra? A: My right nut.

Q: What do you call a man with. Three legs? A: Tom (DICK) & harry

Q: What's the smartest thing to ever come out a woman's mouth? A: Einstein's cock...

Q: How do you bring a man back from the dead? A: You suck on his dick until he cums back.

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a cock have in common? A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: What does a Bengal Tiger and a Two inch pecker have in common? A: You don't FUCK with them!

Q: Why do cats lick their weiner? A: Because they can't make a fist.

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego... A: "Is it in?"
Q: What do you call a jiggalo who says he can suck 25 cocks in an hour? A: A psychopath with a cocky attitude. Q: Where can one find a lot of dicks? A: In a Penistentiary. Q: Why did the young boy dip his penis repeatedly into the peanut butter? A: Because he wanted to be Peter Pan.

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't do? A: Eat with his pecker.
Q: What kind of fruit is good for sperm? A: Kumquat.

Q: Why did the battleship go through the car wash? A: Because it was full of sea men!

Q: Have you seen the kids movie about using the potty? A: It's called "How to Drain your Dragon"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo." Q: What does 69 equal? A: A couple of mouths full.


I hope non cause any offence...