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01-24-2012, 07:55 AM
The Beast Of Panic (Shawn Loyd)

The wave crashed and made a loud sound which echoed…

You couldn’t see where the high water mark used to be.

The flow was steady and rapid. I became suddenly frightened

by my on breathing, which had rapidly increased. The amount of pressure that gripped my chest was almost overwhelming, but I had felt this way before….a million times over the 26 short years of my life. Fear panic disorder chaos. Take hold I said to myself the ship has capsized, but my on reasoning was falling short. I started shouting profanity at whatever beast of panic that caused this pain and by the time I got down to the worse of my curses my veins filled with what felt like sulfuric acid and I burned for violence against this beast. My hands began to swing wildly at the beast inside my head. Convinced it was alive and trying to kill me. I never stuck myself but then I searched for weponds.This damn beast will not take me I said I shuddered at the thought .If I lose it now how can I ever make it out alive or sane for that matter. The loose cannon theory is keeping me from a case of choking on myself or what me and my friends refer to the gag-ems (get it out of there boy)I must kill the panic beast but before I can get my hands around its preverbal neck it disappears only to be hiding laughing waiting.

Chapter 2

My Marlboro burned in the ash tray beside my bed. My mouth to dry to smoke it but just the smell of it jolts me back into semi reality. I will smoke another soon in a few minutes. My sugar level is running high and I have taken the max amount of my diabetic meds for the day. I think to myself maybe I should have some brain medicine hmmm but what a waste if it should bring sleep,night, and life, in horror and fear.

Chapter 3

I have thoughts of beer maybe heniken or some other import I am very partial to drinking –ha! That’s a understatment.I react

Differrent to alcohol not like your average drunk human being I am stuggling with the evil stuff as we speak. A thought of good scotch or irish whiskey makes a smile break out on my face like teenage acne. Hmmm but only last long enough to remember how bad it will make me feel later or the emmbarrament of blacking out making a total fool of myself I am glad my fride is bare of booze my head hurts but ill make it I know.Now we have the basics lets get to the real story.

I sometimes try to take it to the limit not in a normal way with exciting things or sex booze but ive been there bubba.The youth of today or products of there parents use of alcohol and or drugs.If not there is great infulence from someone in their lives.I was born in the very early 80s the culture of scarface cocaine and qaludes.have you ever found yourself wodering what went wrong for you to be a screwup and it all really comes back to what you have done o yeah we could blame it on all sorts of things.Money is a great issue today as a adult employment or the lack there of.Here we go now so grab hold of something.

Chapeter 3 (real)

Lost in thought I grab up my cigarette holder and wonder why I don’t sleep well at night anymore.It all starts back at a young age I remember the smell of weed coming from my moms room

I knew the smell by then but had no idea of what it truly was and without getting into boring details I will tell ya I started to kinda like the smell but what I hated was the fact that is not all

That was being consumed in that room or any other place by her and her crew.Free based coke speed pills downers all that

I was a mule for my mom when I was just a baby I heard the stories later about how my dipar used to be filled with all sorts of drugs to smuggle past are rag tag p.o.s. law enforcement hell

It was the 80s everybody was doing coke from what I can rememeber.You can look back and tell easliy even if you werent from that time listen to the music and the style weird times man weird.the part of me that was really struck was a memory of being left out in a car while my mom went into some dump of a motel.I was in the car for at least 2 hours before I freak and laid in on the horn.A man came out who I didn’t know so I didn’t open the car door.He got in anyways and took me into the room beat my moms ass for leaving me out there (like he really cared)She was passed out on ludes or something a open bottle of wild turkey or some kind of whiskey was on the table and I remember having the thought that the man was mad because I honked the horn god knows what all he was on.

He started to try to be friendly to me but then did a strage thing and asked if I wanted to have a drink of the whiskey and coca cola I had no idea I just knew it made people act stupid and drunk yeah even then I kinda knew what it was so I said no.

He gave it me anyhow in my sippy cup I found out later. So

Yeah I was drunk at age 4 hmm,Well that’s just a great piece of my history right? Fast forward to when I was about 11 my mom gave me a whole glass of alize and a few valiums and told me have fun I remind you I was 10 hmmm I drank the stuff it tasted like o.j. that burned my throat .about 20 min later I was passed out having dreams of being on mtv…ha Here and now my epic fear of panic and chaos. Alot of names will be in here and some not… to protect the innocent and to hell with guilty the truly


In some semi realality I can see me being a better person because of what I have been through I don’t advocate this but hey if its not broke don’t fix it.I am broke but I am a big boy now so I will make it bubba.You ever been hit so hard that you shake your head yes and noone has asked you anything? Welcome to my world full of fun like clowns in that little car they just keep coming out when will it stop lord.

Keep your eyes on the road your hands on the wheel we gonna roll

01-24-2012, 09:04 AM
Free write!

Lord what have I got myself into??? I really don’t know but I am here at the moment.

Free the inner soul

ponder at the wonderful idea of open space looking down at the world with the one you love

gravity not present

just emotional rides that are not like a roller coaster but more like a rocket ship that never runs out of gas

move like the wind in the morning... to move past all without being seen

move like the river during the day to push past all things in your way

and by the end of that day be the ocean a steady body whom is in control and deep

On most of what we object commission is inevitable. Until we fall in remission! We stand last in a world divided. But must not be the first to fall.

Chapter 4

Words flow through my head like sand ..each its on thought every grain but then it all comes together and forms glass ..a mirror of itself and i forget where i started because i reflected to much.....

every thing is visible through thought in life and in death ..it leaves an imprint so reflect the life that was lived ..the sands are time and after all is said and done the thinker must look back to say he/or she has thought to much ...or maybe not enough time is memories thats all that can be kept and somtimes those are erased by age or to protect the heart and let it heal ..cuz some memories hurt but all and all they say life is short and so it it is but its the longest thing we will ever do on this earth

well in my mind its kinda like looking through ripples of time some broken some mended lost friends broken fam. but to stand up to my true demon is to stand up to myself thus another flip on reflection or choice in life ..i coulda woulda shoulda type thing no worries frustration is a good way of saying how i feel about life at this point and time

01-24-2012, 09:09 AM
let me rest need not impose on the weary ... nor those who are busy with lifes true gifts forgive me for i did not know the time i am just a man who makes his rounds in this life peace be on to you !!


End game

A wise man never asks who or what another man serves,for his actions will show it better. Always act in a way that is worthy of you. There is a time for fun, embrace it and enjoy every second you have

My past actions havent been up to my full potential as a person,but if we live without mistakes we do not truly live..
you put your shoes on every morning but you are never promised who will take them off...
This is no perfect person that lives on this earth.Accept your imperfections for what they are and nothing more but strive for a higher ground!! no matter what your faith is.Through our flaws the great is made truly perfect! Never attack those who do not understand!For no matter what you have faith in trust in this..there was a beginning and there will be an end. open your eyes and heart in these harsh times! Take warning to what your heart tells you! Have a little faith and be humble

01-24-2012, 09:19 AM
you see how i went way away from the real story guess i got a little scared maybe someone will come along and help push me to start again

01-24-2012, 09:22 AM
I fully intend to read it and to comment on it (not right now, though, being extremely busy in the foreseeable future). Before I start, however, I need to ask you a question I must get an honest answer to: do you want criticism or only encouragement? If the former, would you rather it was posted or PMed?

01-24-2012, 09:27 AM
both criticism and encouragement whatever you see fit and you can put it here .I am no writer but whos to say i wont shape into one .We shall see

01-24-2012, 11:19 AM
This is where i begin again .......
I lived in various bad parts of the city over some years and inbetween those some out in the country/farm and some in the burbs
Divorce was the reason and i was never the type to blame myself or use it as an excuse.I do not wish things to be different because i would not
be who i am today without having gone through some of the horrors i faced.
Chapter 5 (The Country)
I stayed alot with my moms parents my grandparents out on good ole country land. My great-grandama had hundreds of acres of land and i used to
explore alot on every inch of it. It was so old everything seemed straight out of the past rusted and unused ..old tools and things i had no idea
what they were used for (and was never told for that matter) One horse stil lived but was very old cant quite remember the horses name but i learned to ride this horse with no saddle to carry me across the hills and fields.I found a rusty old 10 gauge shotgun and cleaned it the best i could and would go hunting with it.The only thing i was ever able to kill was a few rabbits and squirrels(although i took shots at deer and something else i will get into shortly)The gun kicked like a damn mule and bruised my shoulder no matter how tight i pressed it on my shoulder.I would fish also but it was not as fun.Ammo was what was hard to come by thank god i had a cool cousin who gave me enough shells so keep me aight in those good days on the farm ahhh those days were quite good now that i think back.One day it all ended for me there as my world moved on to somewhere else.(note these are just parts of my life un edited and pouring straight from my brain some maybe boring some not as for me i write as i go and go as i write)I remember that day easy enough... i was out in the field the horse had died about a week before and i had the task of burial... what a sad dayand ye gods what was the fucking horses name? I had had the gun took away from me and didnt know why ..by my uncle charles.He beat me that day very badly and told me if i was to be a man i would have to step up to my mother and not let her treat her parents the way she did.I was far to young to do anything about my mother yet and i wonderded and still do to this day why they didnt stick up for their own or why he didnt help.She used my grand-parents for money cars whatever she wanted ..she cursed abused and struck them both with words and fists in cocaine fueled rages but even stone-cold sober.Back to the day i was beat though...Both my head and body ached bad i had a busted nose a black eye and various bruises on my body the one that hurt the worst was were his pointy cowboy boot had hit and nearly broke my ribs.He knew i would have killed him that day if i had my gun ...but i never saw my gun again.My mom showed up picked me up lashed out at my uncle for the beating with a small pistol and took me away from the country and into the concrete jungle of the ghetto.

01-25-2012, 04:36 PM
Interesting. Is this based on stuff that's happened in your life?
You remind me so much of someone I know.

01-25-2012, 09:31 PM
good stuff

01-26-2012, 11:51 AM
yes these are true events my hard drive on my pc went out i just fixed it so im back on writing as i go the last part flew from my keys to here the first part was written about 2 and half years ago

01-26-2012, 01:42 PM
Chapter 6 (The way to die)
There was a short time before we went into the horrible place of hellish murder rape and other horrible things.
The time was just as bad and i will site one time in paticular.I was still young maybe 10 or 11 and i had a horrible ear-ache crying loud from the back of the buick we were in.
My mom her friend a large white woman who loved to date drug dealers no matter what race ...but no matter which she picked they were horrible people ...in any case this night was in the woods by a lake.I do not remeber the womans name so we will call her K and so shall it be.K was waiting on her boyfriend Lil man as he was known and they were smoking on crack and weed (they meaning my mom and her) i took a few hits off the weed to try to stop my ear from hurting not much helping it did for it directly but it did numb me a bit.I saw a small car pulling up with 2 black males in it one i saw was Lil man (he wasnt little by any means esp. to a boy as young as me) He got out of his car yelling and beating on the window of the buick with K in the drivers seat.I could tell he was very high and drunk (later to find out on wet daddy if you readers know what that is pcp and some other stuff mixed for those who dont know)He got her out and started to beat her badly in the face until my mom jumped out and hit him hard catching him off gurad.he drew a snub-nosed .38 i wont ever forget the feeling i had ... geezus..then in what seemed like forever but was only 30 seconds or less he fired a shot at my mother missing K jumped into the car and threw it in gear he fired at her it busted the windshield and didnt hit her ..my mom jumped in the back seat trying to hide i guess she forgot or didnt care i was there.Pow another shot took the side mirror off as we started to roll backward very fast i jumped and covered my mom up so a bullet wouldnt strike her ..he emptied the gun with all misses and we got away.That very moment i knew i should be somewhere else and my mother was no real mother just another junkie but god i still loved her

01-28-2012, 02:37 PM
Free thoughts (inbetween)
am ready to run, even if it makes more sense to walk. I am
willing to take the time necessary to learn what i need to know today
because i want to be at my destination already. The good news is
that my self-confidence is strong. The bad news is that my optimism
can be blind. I need to open my eyes and look at things just the way they are,
rather than how i would like them to be. Slow down and smell the rain
but blood is soon to follow

02-08-2012, 08:44 PM
Chapter 7
The apartment building we were living in should have been torn down years before i was even thought about.Its smell would gag a maggot and i had no idea what that smell was
Staying in a one bedroom apt in this building with about 12 other buildings with 4 apt. in each one with a big fence around the whole thing.I remember thinking this looks like a prison on tv
and in many ways it was ... and much worse.The dealers had the whole block hopping crack smack weed whatever you need ... its right here ..i used to hear the call and watch my mother spend countless hours using .Sending me to steal to support her habit .Its a sick feeling then as it is now ....i mean if it was for food i think i could feel a bit better about some of the things i done and saw ..but no they are my demons and i must live with them even now.I saw a man every day for the first 3 weeks or so riding a bike and making his rounds .. he always waved but of course i never got to close .I knew he wasnt a dealer but he sold to use ..one day bright middle of the day i saw him shot down with a shotgun.. it was a very sick site ..i choked back vomit as his torn limp body fell from his bike.. no chest left half a face ... i hunkerd down and covered my eyes but not fast enough ...but then some sort of voice told me run run... I was a witness and damn they want to kill me ... did they ..i dont know no shots were takin at me that day not in a pure sense ..just a giant hole in a mans chest and a dark void in my soul ...as i ran like the wind to that nasty apt buliding number 4.... to be continued....