I need help!!

[Jon]

I don't know where this thread fits.

I am not thinking right.

I have a problem.

I was always the decent looking type in High school (wrestling team track etc so I had a good body too.)

When ever I had a break up I went only about a week without a new gal. At 19...along comes the love of my life...so I thought.

After 22 years she gets a BF (age 26, she is 44) and moves out. He dumps her in two weeks. She gets an apartment, files for divorce and, despite a promise, gets another new guy.

My issue is this: I am 41. Since age 19 I have worked to further this family and my social life has been this family. Our son, Locke is 20 and has his own life. I am alone.

I have spent 42 years isolating myself from virtually all social scenes except "our" friends (who turned out to be "her" friends.

The question is a 41 year old man who enjoys photography, hiking and bicycling (all solitary activities) and now as of recent, works midnights...how does he create a brand new social life? Church is OUT! I am afraid of the lightning! Bicycling clubs tend toward the younger crowd that I cannot keep up with.

I face today, and many days alone. Alone, I do stupid things. School puts me in the presence of folks whom I could have fathered.

I feel like my back is against a wall; live like a hermit or don't live.

I really need your help. I cannot stop crying. I don't want to die. I don't want to be alone.

Online dating seems pathetic...is that so?


Help please.


-Jon

[LadyHitchhiker]

If there's any way I can help you, let me know.

A dating site is not a bad idea. It may make you feel more proactive about your situation.

My heart breaks for you. I really don't like to see you hurting, sweetie.

I love you. Remember that.

[LadyHitchhiker]

If there's any way I can help you, let me know.

A dating site is not a bad idea. It may make you feel more proactive about your situation.

My heart breaks for you. I really don't like to see you hurting, sweetie.

I love you. Remember that.

[ladysai]

~huggles~

I am not the person to give social advice. I'm socially awkward on my best, most outgoing days...so, I can't offer any suggestions about getting into a social scene.

I can tell you that depression is a black hole that's too easy to fall into, becoming lost.
Force yourself to follow your interests and stay occupied with them. Read. Take some of your awesome photos. Rock out to some good ol' headbanging music. Anything to occupy your mind and time.
And know, with a certainty, that you are not alone.
There are folks here who care about you; and if screen names on a website can come to care for you, so will 'real-life' people who you haven't bumped into yet.
~more huggles~
You'll be in my prayers, sugar.
:huglove:

[Ka-mai]

Online dating is not as pathetic as it was 10 years ago. We all spend our time online anyway, so it makes a lot of sense. Also, if you want to go to church, there are plenty that are lightning-free. :P Taking non-credit classes at a community college could also work, people of all ages take those so you probably won't be surrounded by people who just got out of high school. I'm taking one right now and we have an age range of maybe 40 years in there.

Also, maybe ask Locke if his friends have any single moms. ;)

[ICry4Oy]

Damn Jon that sucks. But I have to point out a few things to you. 41 years old is YOUNG (trust me). You may not believe it now but things WILL get better. Whether you've lost someone thru death or because she's a cheating whore, you just need time to grieve, but things WILL get better. Don't rush out and snatch on to the first "snatch" and try to make a (rebound) relationship. Go out and have wild unbridled sex a few times if you want to or if that helps, but do not try to get right back into a relationship just for the sake of a relationship.

A 41 year old man who enjoys photography, hiking and bicycling is a good catch in my book! I disagree about them being solitary activities though. I don't know where you live but in many cities there are clubs/groups that revolve around those things. There are many people out there that share those interests.

You are still quite YOUNG and things WILL get better.

[Woofer]

Jon, I'm so sorry to see you hurting this much.

I agree that online dating isn't what it once was. I have several friends who have met their SOs online, both from active dating services as well as romance blossoming from gaming friendships.

Photography: Check for any local groups, community college courses, etc.

Hiking: Go go go! Explore various day parks. As well being both a fun and healthy activity, hiking affords a chance to work on your photography, too. I know I'm not telling you something you don't already know, but sometimes we need to be reminded. Take a snack.

Biking: If you feel up to it, start your own bicycling group. A no-pressure, just-for-fun, over 40 (or all ages welcome, or whatever) bicycle club. If you've just one friend who likes to ride, too, that's your club.

Good luck. *wolfhug*

[Bethany]

Jon, I speak to you as someone who has been where you are now...I met my ex the day after I turned 14 and have never so much as kissed anyone else and have never "dated". You need to take time to be alone, as much as it hurts and sucks, and find out who you are....not Mrs. Jon's husband, not Locke's dad....Jon. You can do this by all the other things that have been mentioned but don't rush out and hook up with someone just because. Yes, I have been pretty damned miserable, being alone sucks monkey ass but taking time to nurture myself has been worth it. I am not the person my SO of 22 years walked out on anymore, I am so much better. I say this not to fish for compliments but any of my friends here that have seen me through the last 3.5 years are more than welcome to verify this change.

Hang in there. You will make it through this. :couple:

[flaggwalkstheline]

online dating isn't pathetic, it's a decent way to meet people, i use a site called plentyoffish that's free

just don't use craigslist, bad things happen then:unsure:

but yeah, anyway whaddya mean bike clubs skew towards younger folks? I've seen plenty of middleaged semiprobicyclists,

i find the only way to escape existential lonliness is getting out and doing something, anything

[cozener]

Are you in shape now? If not, get there Jon. There's many reasons to be in shape, health, strength, confidence, sense of well being/mental health...but looking good will make things a lot easier for you when it comes to women. If you can afford it get a personal trainer and see a dietitian. This will help a lot. Make it part of your life.

Besides getting in shape (but i think that's step one)...
A 41 year old man who enjoys photography, hiking and bicycling is a good catch in my book! I disagree about them being solitary activities though. I don't know where you live but in many cities there are clubs/groups that revolve around those things. There are many people out there that share those interests.
Yep...you've got time on your hands now. You don't have to answer to anyone. Take some classes (maybe yoga if you're into it) or get involved with something that really fetches your interest. You might meet people that way, women and men, and those people will share your interests.


I'm very sorry to hear about this bro. I really am. I know your heart's been ripped out.

[ur2ndbiggestfan]

I used to be depressed. That was about 30 years ago. I bought a dog and 5 dogs later have NEVER felt even a hint of depression again.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Let's not forget when we're listing Jon's atributes:

He is compassionate
giving
devoted
an animal lover
a book reader (a Stephen King fan which just shows his range of tastes because look at all the interesting books that Sai King has written!)
and has an excellent sense of humor.

There's plenty of women out there who would be a great fit for him!

Perhaps volunteering at the local animal shelter would help too. Animals have amazing healing powers, Jon, as I can testify with my newest addition, ShebrieJoy. And just being around so many loving giving innocents does something very special for the soul. I'm rooting for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Brice]

You don't have to rush into a relationship. Start with friends.

[Daghain]

Basically, Bethany hit the nail right on the head. You need to learn to be happy on your own before you'll be happy with someone else.

Also, online dating rocks. I met DBF on matchmaker.com almost 11 years ago. :D

[BROWNINGS CHILDE]

Jon. I'm sorry to see you down like this. I agree with everything that has been said. I would also suggest that while libraries are kinda extinct now, Barnes and Nobles is a good, quiet place to meet people. You can also see what they are reading first and weed out potential mismatches. haha.

I also agree that on-line sites are far from pathetic. Although I have never personally used one, I have heard that 1 in 5 of present day relationships started online.

Above all, I hope that you would keep your head through this. Although it may seem like a lost cause, IT WILL GET BETTER. Every time that one has loved and lost it seems so final, when it never is. Just keep chugging along. Don't think too far in the future. Live in the moment, and try to be happy with what your delt.

[Letti]

Online dating is not pathetic at all but I don't think you are ready to start that. You need time to be able to pull yourself together. As long as you are this unstable, dating is full of pain.


You need to take time to be alone, as much as it hurts and sucks, and find out who you are....not Mrs. Jon's husband, not Locke's dad....Jon. You can do this by all the other things that have been mentioned but don't rush out and hook up with someone just because.

This is so damn true. And IMHO it's the hardest. To find out who you really are.
As long as you define yourself only as a broken husband and father it will be damn hard to build up any kind of relationship.

hugs,
Letti

[Darkthoughts]

Well said, Letti.

I too think Bethany said it best. Take time out for yourself Jon, starting a new relationship now would only be a way of having to put off dealing with how you feel about what's happened to you. Deal with it first, as hard as it may be, you have us for support. Don't start thinking about anyone but yourself until you're happier with where your head is at :huglove:

[LadyHitchhiker]

I agree with everything. :) Jon, take your time.

[Telynn]

It also sounds like you might be slipping into depression. Go see a doctor and see what they say. A few years back I went through a tough time at my work, tons of pressure and the enviroment that used to be friendly was replaced with venomous upper management. The counseling and yes, the drugs, helped me get through a tough time. I did eventually leave that job for another one, but even before I left I was more at peace with my situation. I also realize that if I had found another job before I started counseling, I was in no shape to handle the stress of changing and starting a new job.

It's up to you, and how badly you feel right now. But there is nothing wrong with seeking help when you need it.:huglove:

[pathoftheturtle]

Well, I dunno; the human psyche is pretty complicated. I do think that it's possible sometimes to over-do introspection. Some people have it in their nature to be social, and have to struggle to function as independent agents; other people do not have that problem. If you're basically a lone wolf anyway, it might indeed be good to open up and try to be more gregarious. Certainly don't try to jump right into another marriage just because you're lonely, but don't hesitate if you really feel that now you need to get a life.

I was all about family life, and that dream went sour for me, too. I haven't gotten to be nearly as a big a part of my children's lives as I wanted; they grow fast, but still slower than my ex could stay with me. There's still the future to think about, though. I've never stopped doing all I think I can. What else is there to do, y'know? At the same time, there's the whole world to work for; I move on.

Life in Muncie is pretty well dominated by the university; outside of campus cities like the one you live in, the social scene is not so very filled with younger folks. There's an interesting scene, though, if you get into the right circles. I used to run with many people your age. I've been a little out of touch for a while, but now I'm sorry that I didn't try to introduce you to some friends when we were together. Maybe next time we can spend more time visiting, or go through the Heorot. Have you tried the Cornerstone Center for the Arts? I believe they do okay at their stated mission of "creating community connections."

Whatever, tho, you know, keep your chin up, man. Good luck, and stay in touch.

[alinda]

If there's any way I can help you, let me know.

A dating site is not a bad idea. It may make you feel more proactive about your situation.

My heart breaks for you. I really don't like to see you hurting, sweetie.

I love you. Remember that.

:huglove:agreed, loved that you called too, love you Jon:huglove:

[alinda]

Jon. I'm sorry to see you down like this. I agree with everything that has been said. I would also suggest that while libraries are kinda extinct now, Barnes and Nobles is a good, quiet place to meet people. You can also see what they are reading first and weed out potential mismatches. haha.

I also agree that on-line sites are far from pathetic. Although I have never personally used one, I have heard that 1 in 5 of present day relationships started online.

Above all, I hope that you would keep your head through this. Although it may seem like a lost cause, IT WILL GET BETTER. Every time that one has loved and lost it seems so final, when it never is. Just keep chugging along. Don't think too far in the future. Live in the moment, and try to be happy with what your delt.

this....is wisdom ....Wtf:

[Odetta]

Sounds like you might have time now for a new hobby... why not take a class in something that interests you that you never had time to explore before?

[turtlex]

Basically, Bethany hit the nail right on the head. You need to learn to be happy on your own before you'll be happy with someone else.



Bethany and Dags are so right about this, Jon.

Also, online dating isn't what it used to be. Lots of really cool people use them, I know a couple of women here at work who are smart, funny and beautiful and they use match.com and chemistry.com respectively. They were just tired of the games and the run around you get at bars, the meat-market feel of a lot of places. They weren't completely comfortable with dating people from work, it's not a huge building and that could get awkward. They decided to try the online thing and that's been working for them. The key is being honest when you're filling out the application/data info...and how about something like your local PWoP (http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/).

There's a whole world out there, Jon ...

[Jon]

Thank you all! So many pseudonyms I don't know who to begin to thank! Great ideas!


Any way I could convince you all to move to Muncie or surrounding areas?

[ICry4Oy]

Glad you're okay Jon. I was beginning to worry :(