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    Gunslinger Apprentice kithereal is on a distinguished road kithereal's Avatar

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    Default my odd writing

    Sometime I get an idea in my head and I start writing...most times it is only an idea and more often than not odd..I like to think of it a my viral writing...not a complete short story but a paragraph or some thoughts
    (I do have a story in my head that I am working on now but I don't know if it will be a short story....)
    I have always been afraid to actually write....but I am starting to feel better about it

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    Gunslinger Apprentice kithereal is on a distinguished road kithereal's Avatar

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    The following work is based on the fiction of Stacey Larence. It is for entertainment purposes only and will not monetarily benefit me or thedarktower.org.

    One day while trying on a very flashy pair of wingtips Geraldo notices his feet have grown .Concern grows with his feet as the Days pass and he must replace his disgustingly expensive shoes. The hair on his head changes for the redder and his face is oddly pale. Geraldo hails a cab one afternoon and finds that his voice has risen several octaves. People are beginning to notice, Geraldo is scared, his assistant discovers him crying in front of the mirror and tries to comfort him. Gerald screams violently at him ( albeit in a slightly higher voice then usual ), feeling better Geraldo smiles in the mirror and joyfully begins to prepare for a live broadcast on the deaths of infant conjoined twins when he notices that his nose is a huge red ball. He cries out his once bravado dripping voice is now a piercing squeak. Gerald determinedly puts on his enormous shoes and tries to calm the spiky hair, he leaves his dressing room and heads for the news room to address his adoring public. Security guards pounce on him. "outta here you foolish clown...this is a news room " they say.....with little humor they toss him out of the building....he squeaks "don't you know who I am?" ...as the door slams shut.

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    Roont Matt will become famous soon enough Matt's Avatar

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    That was actually a very interesting little read there. Thanks for posting it.
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    Going Slap Happy Mattrick is a splendid one to behold Mattrick is a splendid one to behold Mattrick is a splendid one to behold Mattrick is a splendid one to behold Mattrick is a splendid one to behold Mattrick is a splendid one to behold Mattrick is a splendid one to behold Mattrick is a splendid one to behold Mattrick's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by kithereal View Post
    The following work is based on the fiction of Stacey Larence. It is for entertainment purposes only and will not monetarily benefit me or thedarktower.org.

    One day while trying on a very flashy pair of wingtips Geraldo notices his feet have grown .Concern grows with his feet as the Days pass and he must replace his disgustingly expensive shoes. The hair on his head changes for the redder and his face is oddly pale. Geraldo hails a cab one afternoon and finds that his voice has risen several octaves. People are beginning to notice, Geraldo is scared, his assistant discovers him crying in front of the mirror and tries to comfort him. Gerald screams violently at him ( albeit in a slightly higher voice then usual ), feeling better Geraldo smiles in the mirror and joyfully begins to prepare for a live broadcast on the deaths of infant conjoined twins when he notices that his nose is a huge red ball. He cries out his once bravado dripping voice is now a piercing squeak. Gerald determinedly puts on his enormous shoes and tries to calm the spiky hair, he leaves his dressing room and heads for the news room to address his adoring public. Security guards pounce on him. "outta here you foolish clown...this is a news room " they say.....with little humor they toss him out of the building....he squeaks "don't you know who I am?" ...as the door slams shut.

    You have good form and prose. The thing, to me, that sticks out like a sore thumb is your use of adverbs. Some of them are words that aren't needed and others could be replaced with non-adverb words. Example:
    Concern grows with his feet as the Days pass and he must replace his disgustingly expensive shoes
    Disgustingly is not a word to use at all, especially in writing. Is it even a word? I'm not sure. It would be much better suited without the word or replaced with another adjective. Adverbs should be used very seldomly, mostly when you cannot find another word to replace it.

    ( albeit in a slightly higher voice then usual )
    This parenthesis confused me. What is is usual pitch of voice? Without knowing 'slightly' is unneeded. [/quote]

    Gerald determinedly puts on his enormous shoes and tries to calm the spiky hair, he leaves his dressing room and heads for the news room to address his adoring public.
    Instead of determinedly, reword the sentence to 'Determined, Gerald put on his enourmous shoes...'


    In the original draft things like this don't matter but keep your eye out for them when you revise.

  5. #5
    Salvation Comes w/ a Cost OchrisO has a spectacular aura about OchrisO has a spectacular aura about OchrisO has a spectacular aura about OchrisO's Avatar

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    disgustingly
    adv : in a disgusting manner or to a disgusting degree; "the
    beggar was disgustingly filthy" [syn: distastefully,
    revoltingly, sickeningly]


    And, adverbs are quite acceptable when modifying an adjective, which is what that one is doing. They tend to liven up writing more than be a detriment, in my opinion. The ones to avoid are adverbs that modify other things when an adjective will work.
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  6. #6
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    Maybe it wasn't as much as it was an adverb that it didn't flow in the sentence. It seemed forced.

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    Gunslinger Apprentice kithereal is on a distinguished road kithereal's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mattrick View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by kithereal View Post
    The following work is based on the fiction of Stacey Larence. It is for entertainment purposes only and will not monetarily benefit me or thedarktower.org.

    One day while trying on a very flashy pair of wingtips Geraldo notices his feet have grown .Concern grows with his feet as the Days pass and he must replace his disgustingly expensive shoes. The hair on his head changes for the redder and his face is oddly pale. Geraldo hails a cab one afternoon and finds that his voice has risen several octaves. People are beginning to notice, Geraldo is scared, his assistant discovers him crying in front of the mirror and tries to comfort him. Gerald screams violently at him ( albeit in a slightly higher voice then usual ), feeling better Geraldo smiles in the mirror and joyfully begins to prepare for a live broadcast on the deaths of infant conjoined twins when he notices that his nose is a huge red ball. He cries out his once bravado dripping voice is now a piercing squeak. Gerald determinedly puts on his enormous shoes and tries to calm the spiky hair, he leaves his dressing room and heads for the news room to address his adoring public. Security guards pounce on him. "outta here you foolish clown...this is a news room " they say.....with little humor they toss him out of the building....he squeaks "don't you know who I am?" ...as the door slams shut.

    You have good form and prose. The thing, to me, that sticks out like a sore thumb is your use of adverbs. Some of them are words that aren't needed and others could be replaced with non-adverb words. Example:
    Concern grows with his feet as the Days pass and he must replace his disgustingly expensive shoes
    Disgustingly is not a word to use at all, especially in writing. Is it even a word? I'm not sure. It would be much better suited without the word or replaced with another adjective. Adverbs should be used very seldomly, mostly when you cannot find another word to replace it.

    ( albeit in a slightly higher voice then usual )
    This parenthesis confused me. What is is usual pitch of voice? Without knowing 'slightly' is unneeded.
    Gerald determinedly puts on his enormous shoes and tries to calm the spiky hair, he leaves his dressing room and heads for the news room to address his adoring public.
    Instead of determinedly, reword the sentence to 'Determined, Gerald put on his enourmous shoes...'


    In the original draft things like this don't matter but keep your eye out for them when you revise.[/QUOTE]

    I wrote that a while back...( I was so excited about posting something I didn't give it another really critical look )
    I appreciate your thoughts...it is so good to get feedback ...

    Thank You
    Kit

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    Gunslinger Apprentice kithereal is on a distinguished road kithereal's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Matt View Post


    That was actually a very interesting little read there. Thanks for posting it.
    you are very kind....
    needed to put something out there...I have been so afraid to try....
    this is a great place, very comfortable
    Thank You
    KIt

  9. #9
    Gunslinger Apprentice kithereal is on a distinguished road kithereal's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by OchrisO View Post
    disgustingly
    adv : in a disgusting manner or to a disgusting degree; "the
    beggar was disgustingly filthy" [syn: distastefully,
    revoltingly, sickeningly]


    And, adverbs are quite acceptable when modifying an adjective, which is what that one is doing. They tend to liven up writing more than be a detriment, in my opinion. The ones to avoid are adverbs that modify other things when an adjective will work.
    I am so excited that you took the time to read it.. I think I need to find a balance with my adverbs ...looking back I really peppered it with them...
    Thank you
    Kit

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    Constant Reader Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts's Avatar

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    I enjoyed it - I don't have any critisism to make, just wondered if you could give me a little more info on the story its based on - I don't know the author you mentioned.

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    Gunslinger Apprentice kithereal is on a distinguished road kithereal's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Darkthoughts View Post
    I enjoyed it - I don't have any critisism to make, just wondered if you could give me a little more info on the story its based on - I don't know the author you mentioned.
    Was channel surfing and paused on Geraldo long enough to see what an exploitive Donkey butt he was ..so I wrote that to purge my anger and I found it kind of fun

    KIT

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    Constant Reader Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts's Avatar

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    Ahh - cool! That kinda makes it even more amusing - good job

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