Is Marriage Necessary For Commitment?

[Adumbros]

Interesting (and controversial) discussion i've been having on the side. Wanna know your opinion on this.

Personally, I have no problem with marriage. I can't say 'yea' or 'nay' as far as I am personally concerned; I may do it someday; I may not.

Nor do I think that blacks shouldn't marry whites, or Chinese, or any other racial stigma.

I don't have a problem with interdenominational marriage, being as I don't believe in organized religion anyway.

I don't feel that homosexuals should be denied marriage rights.

But this isn't really about any of that.

On the listed topic:

Do I believe that marriage is necessary for a committed relationship?

No. I have had this discussion with numerous people before, and though I can understand the vehemence of people's opinions, the aggression that that vehemence all too often masks daunts me. I say, if two people are committed to one another, and are comfortable together, and they really truly feel that they are in it for each other to the end, then marriage as a ceremony is not necessary. Hell, let's be honest folks: The ceremony is just for show, and wearing that filthily expensive band on your finger, well, it's just a symbol. Just because one person wants to wear a symbol and another doesn't, doesn't make it right or wrong. I support our American troops; does that mean I have to wear one of those little ribbons on my collar? No. People who do stuff like that actually strike me as phony, as in "Oh, look at me, look at how good and patriotic I am!" Remember, our original military didn't even have a uniform. Did that make them unpatriotic?

So no, I don't find marriage itself necessary; I neither condemn nor condone it. For those that want to, go for it. But to say that if you don't do it, you don't love your significant other...well, remember this:

For those of you who are truly die-hard marriage advocates, you likely consider yourself Christian, so this is directed at you personally (and don't take that remark as antagonistic)-

In the Bible, "marriage" was described as being a physical union between a man and a woman of intimate purity. I.e., two virgins, one of each gender, engaging in physical consummation. The dowry paid to the bride's father was not in exchange for any ceremony (which often did not take place until after consummation), nor was it paid for the right to put a corsage on her breast nor to place any object on her finger. In fact, I can recall no instance in the Bible mentioning a "marriage ceremony" or a "wedding ring"; both appear to be relatively modern traditions. The dowry was paid for the right to deflower the man's undefiled daughter. Granted, the Bible shows us that the good husbands often showered their brides with goodwill and gifts; but because he loved her, not because some societal mandate told him to.

Therefore, I rest my case on the marriage ceremony, based on this fact, more than any other:

Marriage is defined as a blending or matching of different elements or components.

Therefore, believes I, commitment, by definition, is itself marriage.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Marriage is neccessary to some individuals because of religious reasons and many other reasons.

I dated my husband almost three years before we married. He told me he wanted to get a house before he got married. I didn't think this was unreasonable, but then, we lost his daughter, almost lost my mom, and his dad was dying of cancer. I told him I wanted something happy to plan and that I wanted to get married that year. In that month we threw the wedding together.

I look at marriage as this, this was the most dear and beautiful and full gift I could give to another man. My promise, my love, my commitment of my mind body and soul. This was the biggest gift I could give anyone in the whole world. And to accept his commitment was the greatest gift I have ever received. Did we need to legally get married to prove our commitment? No. However, I needed emotionally something to plan at the time, because I felt I was falling apart and needed to solidify our position as family while people around me were dropping like flies. A position that would not be accepted by my catholic parents without marriage. We did not get married in the church, but after that, my mother could accept that we were together for life, even though I had told her that before. It's too bad that she couldn't accept us as family before LeAnn died, and that we couldn't all be a lot closer before my father died.

Oh, and the marriage we rushed so that my father-in-law could hopefully be there? Well, my husband's father died the morning we were to be married, but his brother wouldn't tell us about this until after the ceremony for fear that my husband would decide not to go through with it.

I am proud to be Mrs. Black. I am proud to be his wife, and I am proud to call him my husband. Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned and a little bit over-romanticized but it fills me with such joy to be his wife, and to not just be "the girlfriend".

I hope some of this made sense. LOL

[Adumbros]

it made sense, and i can comprehend and agree with your reasons for it. and this isn't a thread to 'knock' marriage. I simply contend that the act itself is not a necessity.

[LadyHitchhiker]

I understand and appreciate your opinion. I don't think my husband and my relationship is any different because of our marriage. We had already committed to each other, but it is something that my family needed in order to accept him.

[Adumbros]

duly noted

i myself am not a direct proponent of marriage. i can't say why, i'm just...not.

[LadyHitchhiker]

If my husband were to pass, I don't even know if I would want to remarry. *shrugs*

I DO know that I would want to go back to rescuing and fostering animals, so if I DID start dating again, he would have to love animals at least as much as me. My husband thinks we are fine with our two cats - which we are - but there is such a rush of saving lives and finding animals homes, and watching something sick become healthy... Rescue work is addictive.

And for me to promise myself to another man, I would take it just as seriously as I did with the first commitment I made to my husband. And if he didn't, he'd be in trouble....

[CPU]

I do believe that you can have a committed (and loving) relationship without marriage.

Personally I've always thought of marriage as a legal proceeding that confers certain rights and responsibilities on the two people joining. A marriage gives both parties certain legal rights that they don't always get if they aren't (there are exceptions these days - i.e. - common-law "marriage"). Marriage can also have religious significance as the two people getting married are taking an oath before their God to do whatever (honor, sickness and health, etc, etc).

So, I'm not sure that I can agree that commitment is equivalent to marriage, but I do think that people can have just as successful a relationship together either way.

[Adumbros]

well see, my biggest thing against the "ceremonial" marriage is this (and i don't say ALL of 'em fall under this category, so read this whole post, not just outside the praentheses, to all you who would criticize):

"Legal" marriages, on average, last only 3-4 years in the United States anymore.

"Domestic partnerships" average a 50% more lifelong success rate, and on average, last 15-20 years.

So you tell me which version is more likely to succeed.

[Matt]

I believe in marriage as a spiritual commitment. It mattered to us that we tied the knot that way but we didn't go overly religious.

In the end, marriage is really a contract with the state that says you now are "next of kin" to your spouse.

I think its important to marry so if something happens to me (or her)--the other will be making the decisions on care and not that persons parents which would be the case without a formal marriage license.

No matter how long you are together, common law or any thing like that. If you can't prove you are the spouse in the emergency room, they will not let you make the decision on surgeries (or bob forbid) pulling the plug.

She knows me best, I want her making those decisions for me.

[LadyHitchhiker]

In truth, part of the reason my husband wanted me to get married was that way I would have insurance.

[Adumbros]

So, I'm not sure that I can agree that commitment is equivalent to marriage, but I do think that people can have just as successful a relationship together either way.

i agree with this wholeheartedly. this may well become the best point about the topic posted on the thread. good insight.

[Girlystevedave]

I have to answer a big fat NO on this one.
I am married, and marriage is an awesome thing for two people who love each other, BUT I don't feel that it has to be done for two people to commit to each other.
My husband and I were together since high school, (10 years) before we got married. It was always the same questions from people as to when we were going to get married. The response was always the same: "If we're gonna be together, we're gonna be together. A ring is NOT going to change it."
And in my opinion, it didn't. The only difference to me is that I file my taxes differently and I have a ring that rubs my finger the wrong way most of the time.
I'm not trying to be cynical about this, but I just don't feel that it changes much. I feel that two people can be married in the eyes of God without a piece of paper.
Plus...if marriage means commitment, there would not be so many divorces.

[Odetta]

I don't think marriage is necessary for commitment. I have seen relationships that have outlasted marriages, so the actually marriage isn't really the issue. It has more to do with the people IN the relationship.

[Adumbros]

I believe in marriage as a spiritual commitment. It mattered to us that we tied the knot that way but we didn't go overly religious.

In the end, marriage is really a contract with the state that says you now are "next of kin" to your spouse.

I think its important to marry so if something happens to me (or her)--the other will be making the decisions on care and not that persons parents which would be the case without a formal marriage license.

No matter how long you are together, common law or any thing like that. If you can't prove you are the spouse in the emergency room, they will not let you make the decision on surgeries (or bob forbid) pulling the plug.

She knows me best, I want her making those decisions for me.

all valid points. Appreciate the insight. And it's so unfair we have such laws, when half of the people who ratify them are openly anti-marriage, cheaters, or closet cases. I say, if I sign a piece of paper recognizing this individual's rights to make decisions in my regard, basically granting them "power of attorney", then that should be legal enough.

I hate how the government forces such crap upon us.

[Adumbros]

In truth, part of the reason my husband wanted me to get married was that way I would have insurance.

understandable. see last post.

[Adumbros]

I have to answer a big fat NO on this one.
I am married, and marriage is an awesome thing for two people who love each other, BUT I don't feel that it has to be done for two people to commit to each other.
My husband and I were together since high school, (10 years) before we got married. It was always the same questions from people as to when we were going to get married. The response was always the same: "If we're gonna be together, we're gonna be together. A ring is NOT going to change it."
And in my opinion, it didn't. The only difference to me is that I file my taxes differently and I have a ring that rubs my finger the wrong way most of the time.
I'm not trying to be cynical about this, but I just don't feel that it changes much. I feel that two people can be married in the eyes of God without a piece of paper.
Plus...if marriage means commitment, there would not be so many divorces.

AMEN!!!!

[Adumbros]

I don't think marriage is necessary for commitment. I have seen relationships that have outlasted marriages, so the actually marriage isn't really the issue. It has more to do with the people IN the relationship.

another one of the points i have tried to make repeatedly.

[Matt]

Like I said, I don't think it has anything to do with the committment--just legally speaking its better for protection.

You can commit to someone without the paper easily

[alinda]

Legally =yes
Spiritually= most of the time (but not for me)
Socially= propable not
Economically= see legally.


I could go on, I think Matts answer really covers my points.
On a strictly personal level Id say NO , I do not make promises lightly
but when I do......they are for LIFE!

[Adumbros]

i made a promise to a girl once...and i immediately broke it...i promised to never promise her anything!

[Poisonbat]

I believe in marriage as a spiritual commitment. It mattered to us that we tied the knot that way but we didn't go overly religious.

In the end, marriage is really a contract with the state that says you now are "next of kin" to your spouse.

I think its important to marry so if something happens to me (or her)--the other will be making the decisions on care and not that persons parents which would be the case without a formal marriage license.

No matter how long you are together, common law or any thing like that. If you can't prove you are the spouse in the emergency room, they will not let you make the decision on surgeries (or bob forbid) pulling the plug.

She knows me best, I want her making those decisions for me.

I must say that I agree with you here. My husband was the one who wanted to get married, I wasn't sure at first, my first marriage was a brutal and abusive one. He changed after that ring went on my finger and looked at me as property rather than a person. But I took a leap of faith with my husband, and he has been such a wonderful companion to me. He loves my kids and treats them as his own. We have talked about our wishes when it comes to life support and death, and I am glad that I have him in my corner when it comes down to it.

[Jean]

sure it is not necessary... but bears only treasure unnecessary things, like candlelight and sushi and china dolls and good spelling and knowledge of past history... and marriage...

it is only a symbol, but a symbol is so much

[alinda]

That is enough to melt my heart, but sadly sir, your already spoken for

[Adumbros]

sure it is not necessary... but bears only treasure unnecessary things, like candlelight and sushi and china dolls and good spelling and knowledge of past history... and marriage...

it is only a symbol, but a symbol is so much

i kinda contest that, personally...

as a Marine, people often wonder why i don't take more offense to things such as civilian government buildings, i.e. city hall, the post office, flying the flag at night or in inclement weather. sure, it irks me, but only because i was taught to be irked by it. Nowadays it doesn't bother me so much, for several reasons:

1)what the hell can i do about it?
2)do you really expect civilian authorities to be as knowledgeable about such things as those under federal employ?
3)as blasphemous as it may seem to some, it's a red-and-blue dyed rag. anybody can make one. firebombing the statue of liberty would piss me off; we only have one, and it likely could not be duplicated to full scale. it's nothing more than a piece of cloth that certain people choose to place a value on. I'm far more concerned with someone nuking a populated area, i.e., 9/11/01, than i am with someone mistreating an object that most Christians would consider heathen in nature. Hell, as far as that goes, I agree. Too many treat the flag the same way too many treat the Pope: with a reverence that should be reserved only for God.

symbols only have value when value is placed upon them.

[BeDaN]

Marriage is only good for 2 things; tax breaks and adultery.