A woman takers her dog to the vets because it is bumping into things.
The vet picks the dog up; looks into his eyes, and turns to face the woman.
''I am afraid miss, I am going to have to put the dog down.
The woman is hysterical ''but why'' she aks
Spoiler:
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
BWAAHAHAHAHA
Sloth Love Chunk
!! Brilliant
My kids told me this one, I love it...
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrrrr!
How do you tell if your neighbor is a stoner?
Go next door and ask for a potholder. If he gives you a ziplock bag, he's a stoner.
Here I tell you the best joke I've ever heared:
There are two persons walking and one asks the other: Hey dude, do you have a lighter?
And the other guy says: Wait, I will see...
Then the guy starts touching all his body and looking in his pockets untill the other guy says: Well, do you have a lighter or not?!
And the other man says: Nope, but you have to see how hot my body is dude!
Laught or......will
you...
XD
A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender:
I'll have a .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..........................beer".
The bartender says......"What's with the big pause"?
The bear looks at his feet and says "I donno.....I've always had them".
Two ducks are swimming across a pond
One says "Quack"
The other one says, "I was going to say that"
“There are no men like me. There's only me”- The Kingslayer
Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender leaves he hears, "Hey, I like your shirt." He looks around wondering who said it and didn't see anyone.
As he sits drinking his beer he hears the voice again. "You have really nice pants."
Again he doesn't see anyone around him. He mentions it to the bartender and the bartender replies "That's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."
This is more like a general wisdom:
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese...
A priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?".
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week
Two boys come down from their rooms for breakfast. Their mother asks the first boy "What do you want for breakfast?"
The boy replies "Give me a biscuit and some damn grits."
The mother proceeds to whoop the first boy all over the kitchen, making the boy scream and cry and beg for mercy.
When she was through, she turned to the second boy and asked "Well what do you want for breakfast?"
The boy replied "I dunno but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want none of them damn grits!"
Here's one me hearties....
Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they spend years at C.
Arrrrrrr!
Is there a limit to how adult jokes can be?
Nothing else in this forum is really limited.
Maybe put it in a spoiler and give a warning if you think it would be potentially offensive.
Sloth Love Chunk
As the body of a beautiful woman was brought into the funeral home the head mortician was called away and left his understudy in charge. After a while the understudy call with a question! 'Sir, what do I do with the prawn' . He said... 'what prawn?'.. 'The prawn in between her legs' ...
Oh! That's not a prawn that is the woman's clitoris'....Spoiler:
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”.
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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