Beat My Joke

[idk, my bff jill?]

Hahahaha. That was hilarious.

Here's one:
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home, dad. You're drunk."

[razz]

nice one!

[KaLikeAWheel]

Slight blasphemy spoiler tag:

Spoiler:

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[razz]

Nothing happens when i press it.

[alinda]

[idk, my bff jill?]

The anticipation is building.

[Louise]

a Dyslexic man walks into a Bra

Short but Sweet

[gsvec]

[The Lady of Shadows]

Nothing happens when i press it.

oh shit. a spoiler tag that razzle dazzle can't access. be careful here folks. he might go all "rage" on us. . . .

[KaLikeAWheel]

Nothing happens when i press it.

Here ya go, Razz. Probably didn't deserve a spoiler, but you never know who you'll offend...For you, I'll takes my chances.


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.



Donna

[The Lady of Shadows]

i think it's funny as hell. (ummm, no pun intended.)

[razz]

[B Rag]

[LadyHitchhiker]

Here's a joke I made up:

What kind of food would Britney Spears be?

Spoiler:

A pop tart!!!

[LadyHitchhiker]

Have you ever had one of those customer service calls where you find yourself saying things you don't believe?

This is so priceless....and so easy to see happening, given the state of customer service these days....
She's dead, Jim! An anstonishing yet believeable customer service call that may have you rolling...

My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she deceased in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't setup to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."

[LadyHitchhiker]

Forest Gump and St. Peter

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
Christian Humor Sites

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"


Day After Christmas

The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.

We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly, "In the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."


The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child

Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
Creation

In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.

Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.

Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.

Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
Hilarious Christian Jokes
Noah

The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph

Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
Moses

Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.

Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.
Joshua

Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David

David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.
Solomon

One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He?
Jonah and Other Prophets

After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.

There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.
The New Testament

When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."

Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.

Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.

Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.


Men in Heaven - Who is the Head of the Household?

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


Southern Baptist at the Race Track

Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
Christian Jokes

One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.

At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.

A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.

This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.

At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.

The horse came in dead last!

As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."

"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."


Dollar Bills
Clean Religious Jokes

There was two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said, "I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo and baseball games."

"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."

"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.

"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."

The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"

Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?

When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.


Catholic Heart Attack

After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.

"No," he replied, "No health insurance."

"Do you have any money in the bank?" asked the nun.

"No. No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?"

The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

At this the nun because irritated. "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"

"OK, then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


The Pope Wants to Drive

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
The Pope was still standing on the curb. God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He?

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
Bigger Free Christian Jokes

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"


Jonah and the Whale
Hmmm. Related Image

One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.

Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."

Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."


The Lord is My Shepherd

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her 2 nd grade class memorize Psalm 23, one of the most quoted passages in the Bible. She gave the children a month to learn the chapter.

One little boy was excited about the task, but he just couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although he practiced and practiced, he could hardly get past the first line. The day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the congregation. The little boy was nervous. When his turn came, he stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"


The Athiest in the Woods

Christian Humor and Jokes An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,

"How beautiful the animals are!"

"How majestic the trees are!"

"How powerful the rivers are!"

As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"

The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."


Hymns for People Over 50
God must have a sense of humor. He created us, didn't He?

Give Me the Old Timers Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

[The Lady of Shadows]

the forrest gump one was meh. the rest of them especially the bear one.

[gsvec]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Houston, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine - and the head and the ass are interchangeable!'

[alinda]

[Ka-mai]

[Sam]

What does a snail sitting on a turtles head say?
Weeeeeeeeeee!

What does a sick cow say?
Boooooooo!

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a scotch on the rocks. The bartender asks "will that be cash or credit?" The duck says "Just put it on my bill."

Two Jews walk into a bar, one looks at the other and says, "Aw shit, is this another stupid bar joke?"

A priest and rabbi had become good friends after have places of worship across the street from each other for more than two decades. Each one would try at least once a month to convert the other to their respective religion. One day the priest stepped out to sweep the steps only to see his friend the rabbi dive from the path of a speeding car that had run onto the sidewalk outside of the synagogue. The priest rushed over to his friends side to help him up. He helped brush the rabbi off and was stunned when he saw the rabbi make the sign of the cross over his body.
"My friend" the priest said happily, "after all these years, why didn't you tell me you finally converted?"
The rabbi looked confused and asked, "Converted? What do you mean converted, I've done nothing of the sort."
"But I saw you when you got up from that brush with death. You genuflected." The priest made the sign of the cross over his body the same way the rabbi had.
The rabbi laughed, "Ahhhh. No my friend, I haven't converted. I was just checking to make sure everything was there." He touched his body as he said, "You know spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch."

This next one is raunchy. You have been warned.



What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

[Sam]

From my wife:

What food would Jeff Foxworthy be?

Spoiler:

A Georgia Cracker

[mystima]

want to read a clean joke?
tommy took a bath with bubbles...
want to read a dirty one?
Bubbles is the girl next door.

god was on earth one day passing out sex lives,
he went up to man and told him he would give him 20 years
man thought it was good. he asked god if he could go with him to pass out more.
god said ok
so god and man went to the various animals
he went to the lion and told the lion
i will give you a 20 year sex life
the lion replied i only need 10
well god didn't know what to do with the extra 10
man said that he would take it
so god gave the extra 10 to man
then god went up to the chimpanzee
i will give you a 20 year sex life
the chimp replied that he only needed 10
man raised his hand and said i will take it
and again god gave the extra to man
and finally god came up to the donkey
i will give you a 20 year sex life
and the donkey replied that he only needed 10
and without asking because god knew that man would take it anyway
and gave man the extra 10 years
so after god passed out sex lives to all the animals and man
man had his normal 20 year sex life...
then he lied around
then he monkeyed around
and finally made a total ass of himself.

[LadyHitchhiker]

What do you call two blondes in a freezer?

Spoiler:

Frosted flakes.

Why did the blonde have a burned nose?

Spoiler:

Because she was bobbing for french fries.

[gsvec]

A woman was asked by a young child how old she was. She answered, "39 and holding."

The child thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"