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Thread: Beat My Joke

  1. #226
    Demon of the Prim Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and the father shouts get out get out go back to bed so with this little boy leaves the room after half an hour there's a lot of Commotion coming from the grandmothers room so into the grandmothers room the father and the mother run and there's the little boy mountain the grandmother the father says what do you think you're doing? The boy says, Ha, it's not so funny when it's your mother is it.

  2. #227
    Gunslinger Apprentice blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about

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    A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”

    The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
    _______________

    A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!”

    The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

    Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

    “No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”
    _______________

    Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

    "One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
    _______________

    This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?

    The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

    The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

    The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

    The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".

    The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
    _____________

    Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.

    "Blood," orders the first vampire.

    "Make it two," says the second.

    The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"

    "Plasma," says the vampire.

    "Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."

  3. #228
    Gunslinger Apprentice blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about

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    I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

    She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!"

    With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

    A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

    "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

    At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
    ____________

    A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

    “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

    The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

  4. #229
    Citizen of Gilead TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack's Avatar

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    Little Johnny vs Math Teacher (My take on an oldie but a goodie)

    ----

    Little Johnny hated math class. His seat was front and center. It was without a doubt the chair and the student who sat in it that was most often called upon. Last Friday was no different.

    "Good morning class. Let's jump right into it shall we? Not to worry, we'll start easy," Mrs. Kingston said as she looked about the room.

    Little Johnny placed his hand to his forehead as he looked down at his desk. Not today lady, please not today, he thought to himself.

    "Ok, now listen up closely class," she said as she drew a long horizontal line across the chalkboard. She walked back over to the middle of the line and drew four crude birds. "There are four crows sitting on a power line," she tapped the chalk a few times as she said this. "Farmer Henry comes out and shoots one," she scratches a large 'X' over one of the birds. "How many do we have left?" She asked, once again looking about the room for raised hands. There were none.

    No, don't do it, Little Johnny repeated in his head.

    "No takers today, I see." Mrs. Kingston scrunched her face. "I guess, since I have no volunteers to answer, I'll just have to pick one of you."

    Little Johnny did everything possible to remain still. His head was looking down avoiding eye contact.

    "Johnny, why don't you tell the class how many crows are left?"

    His face reddened and without looking up he said, "none."

    "Excuse me Johnny, can you say that a little louder for the class to hear?"

    Little Johnny lifted his head and did as he was asked. "None," he called out.

    "Johnny, can you please explain your answer?"

    "The farmer shot a gun, he hit the one, and the others flew away." He stated this with confidence and pride.

    "No Johnny, the answer is Three. The farmer shot one, leaving three crows. But I like the way you think."

    Little Johnny shifted in his chair and scoffed at the absurdity of this illogical rubbish that was being taught. He thrust one arm into the air.

    "Yes Johnny, you have a question?" Mrs. Kingston said as she tilted her head.

    "Yes, I do." He grinned and looked right at her as he said this.

    "Go on then Johnny."

    "Ok. There are three ladies sitting on a bench. Each with a vanilla swirl ice cream cone," he looked at her confirming she was paying attention.

    "Yes, ok continue," she said.

    "The first lady was licking her ice cream from the base of the cone to the top, in short quick licks. The second was placing the ice cream deep into her mouth and slowly pulling it out as her lips wrapped around the ice cream. The third was taking small quick nibbles up and down the ice cream in random places."

    Mrs. Kingston was listening to Johnny surprised at herself for how entranced she was by the detail of the questions. She nodded as to go on.

    "Which one of those ladies is married?" Little Johnny asked as his cheeks raised in a smile.

    "Well, um, I don't know what to say. I suppose it would likely be the second lady," she said with little hesitation.

    "No Mrs. Kingston, that is incorrect." His smile grew bigger showing teeth. "It's the lady with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
    "Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win." - SK

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    - S/L 'Fool Moon' Jim Butcher (Subterranean Press)

  5. #230
    Fundraiser Emeritus Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958 seldom gets put on hold Merlin1958's Avatar

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    A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!”

    The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

    Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

    “No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”



  6. #231
    Gunslinger Apprentice blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about

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    If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look 
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”

  7. #232
    Demon of the Prim amd013 is a name known to all amd013 is a name known to all amd013 is a name known to all amd013 is a name known to all amd013 is a name known to all amd013 is a name known to all amd013's Avatar

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    There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
    Wanted:

    'Salem's Lot Portfolio #606..

    Also, replace 1st/1st that got stolen:

    Carrie, Night Shift

  8. #233
    Demon of the Prim Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    Twonuns were smoking when it started to rain...

    The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

    The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

    "From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

    So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

    "What size do you need" asked the clerk.

    The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel

  9. #234
    Citizen of Gilead kingfan2323 is a jewel in the rough kingfan2323 is a jewel in the rough kingfan2323 is a jewel in the rough kingfan2323's Avatar

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    Why is a giraffe's neck so long?



    Because it's head is so far from its body.

    seeking: ANYTHING DT related #246
    Dead Zone 1st Edition F/F or NF/NF
    ANYTHING DT Related #246
    Dead Zone First Edition F/F or NF/NF

  10. #235
    Servant of Gan Joe315 is just really nice Joe315 is just really nice Joe315 is just really nice Joe315 is just really nice Joe315 is just really nice

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    Probably NSFW

  11. #236
    Peter Gibbons Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky has much to be proud of Ricky's Avatar

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    What happened to the butcher who sat on his meat grinder?

    He got a little behind in his work.
    Peter: "I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore."

  12. #237
    Demon of the Prim Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb is a glorious beacon of light Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    Guy walks into his local butcher and asked "wheres the new meat guy you had working here?"
    Butcher replied "had to sack him... he was caught sticking his penis into the meat grinder".
    "Wow" said the man "what happened to the meat grinder?"

    "Had to sack her too" said the butcher...

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