Beat My Joke

[LadyHitchhiker]

(this is one of my favorites of all time)

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Little Johnny looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

[mystima]

little tommy comes home from school in a bad mood.
everyone at school that day seemed to just pick on him
so while he is outside cleaning out the pig stall on their farm he kicked the pig.
(pig squeels)
mom heard the pig and ran outside and asked him why he kicked the pig
he said that he had a bad day at school.
she told him that it was not a good reason and that the consequences would be
that he would not have any bacon with breakfast for a month
well that didn't make tommy feel any better.
so he went on doing his chores and was in the chicken coop and he was still angry
and he kicked a chicken
(chicken sound)
mom heard the chicken and ran outside again and asked him why he kicked the
chicken.
he told her that he was still mad and that her yelling at him didn't help his mood.
she then responded that it was still not a good idea to kick the chicken and that
his punishment would be no eggs for breakfast for a month and that his dad would talk to
him when he got home and sent him to his room.
well it looks like all the men in the family are having a bad day
dad comes home and he is angry. he comes in the house throws down his
briefcase and kicks the cat that unluckily found its way to his foot.
(meeeoooooowwwww)
little tommy hears this and runs down the stairs and asks his mother
well should i tell him or should you.

[Brice]

[Iwritecode]

Actual letters to landlords

1. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
3. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
4. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
5. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
6. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
9. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
10. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawersand made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

***********************

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland".

The man arched an eyebrow.

"Anything?"

"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.

With that, the man said,

"Follow me."

He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door."

She did. He then said, "Get on your knees."

She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper."

She did.

He said, "Go ahead...take it out."

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly,

"HELLO.....MOM??"

[Iwritecode]

SEX IS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Usually everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing. One day, I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said I was looking for Sex. My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog" he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", And the clerk said "Yes, I get that too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said "Show off!" I told him it was a contest. He told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said "Me too." When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me "What seems to be the trouble" I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

[mystima]

a farmer and his wife are sitting on their front porch when a flying saucer lands in their front yard.

the farmer went up to the saucer and an alien that looked quite human stepped out of the ship.

the alien walked over to the farmer and said
"I have heard the strangest things while listening to your radio and television broadcasts."
"what have you heard?" asked the farmer
"well you have a custom me and my mate would like to try if that is okay with you?"
"what custom would that be?" the farmer asked
"wife swapping," the alien replied, "we would like to see how this works."
"i would have to talk it over with my wife first but if she is okay with it then i won't mind swapping with yours." the farmer then walked back to the porch where his wife was still sitting and told him what the aliens wanted. surprisingly enough she agreed the the switch.

the wife went with the alien on the craft and the alien female went with the farmer on the farm.
when the wife and the alien got into the bedroom of the craft they proceeded to disrobe. when the wife looked at the alien she started laughing hysterically.
the alien asks "what is so funny?"
"well your manhood looks like my son's did when he was born!"
"oh that is not a problem, come and turn my left ear."
she went up and turned his left ear.
his manhood grew longer with each turn.
but to no avail she couldn't help but laugh again
"what is funny now?" he asked
"well its nice that it can get longer but it looks like a pencil"
"well turn my right ear."
she turned his right ear and was amazed at how it's girth increased
"okay that's more like it"
well they had their night together in the spaceship and went back to the farm house the next morning.
after breakfast the aliens left and the farmer and his wife were in the kitchen cleaning up the morning dishes and the farmer asked her how her night was with the alien.
"it was good...how was your night?" she asked
"it was okay but the darn alien bitch kept messing with my damn ears all night long!!!"

[SpaceMaN]

What's the worthless piece of skin around a vagina called?

Spoiler

Woman.

[B Rag]

[CaptainTrips]

There was a little boy shaking up a bottle of turpentine, watching the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the boy what he had
"This here's turpentine, the most powerful liquid in the world", the boy replied.
"The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water", said the priest " You rub it on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a healthy baby."
"That's nothing", said the boy,"You rub turpentine on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley-Davidson".

[flaggwalkstheline]

What would Marilyn Monroe be Doing if she were alive right now?

Spoiler:

Clawing at the inside of her coffin!!!!

[cappsy]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[cappsy]

a man tells his doctor"i get a boner every time i look in the mirror" the doctor just smiles and says to the man "well your dick knows a pussy when it sees one"

[flaggwalkstheline]

A man walks into the psychologists office and says to the receptionist " Can the doctor help me? I think Im shrinking and turning invisible!"
the receptionist says "I'm sorry the doctor can't see you right now, you'll have to be a little patient"

[razz]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you tit. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

[Ryan]

A man, wrapped in saran wrap, walks into a Psychiatrists. The doctor says, I can clearly see your nuts..........

[ManOfWesternesse]

> Subject: Blonde joke ... One of the best
>
> There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is a brunette and they
> inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are
> in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
> farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so
> that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
>
> Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
> decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and bring
> me home.'
>
> The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
> she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
> less.
>
> After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
> telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
> says, 'I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've
> bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute
> and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
>
> The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
> adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'
>
> Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left She
> realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a
> few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the
> word 'comfortable.'
>
> The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
> want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here to haul
> that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word comfortable?'
>
> The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. It's a big word.
> She'll read it very slowly .......... com-for-da-bul'

[Ryan]

Jim-Bob and Bobby-Joe were sitting at the quiet end of the bar on a tuesday morning.....
JB - hey bobby joe, lemme ask you a question
BJ - sure Jim Bob
JB - if you was on a weekend fishin trip with good buddy of yours and you wakes up in the moanin with yar drawers down with one uh those condoms hangin out your rear would you be apt to tell anyun about it?
BJ - Heck no Jim Bob waddya think I'm crazy, Everyone wud laugh at me.

*both take a drink of their beers

JB - so, Bobby Joe, you, uh, wanna, umm, like, go fishin this weekend?

pa dum bum

[Jean]

which reminds me (sorry, the translation is mine and may be inadequate):

Three men are talking about what to do at weekend; one says:

"We could learn to play golf. What, you don't know? It's quite easy, all we need is a club, a ball and a hole. I even happen to have a club somewhere at home."
"Sounds ok, I think I have a ball somewhere," says another.
Then the third:
"I AM DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO PLAY YOUR PERVERTED GAMES!!!"

[alinda]

[Letti]

> Subject: Blonde joke ... One of the best
>
> There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is a brunette and they
> inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are
> in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
> farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so
> that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
>
> Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
> decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and bring
> me home.'
>
> The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
> she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
> less.
>
> After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
> telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
> says, 'I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've
> bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute
> and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
>
> The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
> adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'
>
> Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left She
> realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a
> few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the
> word 'comfortable.'
>
> The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
> want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here to haul
> that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word comfortable?'
>
> The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. It's a big word.
> She'll read it very slowly .......... com-for-da-bul'

priceless

[ICry4Oy]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Ryan]

True Story.
A mans wife gets mauled by a Worthog. He calls 911
Operator: 911, what's the nature of your emergency
Man: My wife was just attacked by a worthog
Operator: Ok sir, we're going to dispatch an ambulance. What's your address?
Man: I live at 23 Eucalyptus Street
Operator: Can you spell that please sir.
Man: ...(silence)... Ya, I'm going to go ahead and drag her over to Oak Street

[cappsy]

not really a joke but a funny qoute
"my mom never relised the irony in calling me a son of a bitch"

[idk, my bff jill?]

"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins, then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."

- Steven Wright

[Letti]

"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins, then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."

- Steven Wright