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Thread: Beat My Joke

  1. #226
    Servant of Gan Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and the father shouts get out get out go back to bed so with this little boy leaves the room after half an hour there's a lot of Commotion coming from the grandmothers room so into the grandmothers room the father and the mother run and there's the little boy mountain the grandmother the father says what do you think you're doing? The boy says, Ha, it's not so funny when it's your mother is it.

  2. #227
    Gunslinger Apprentice blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about

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    A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”

    The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
    _______________

    A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!”

    The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

    Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

    “No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”
    _______________

    Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

    "One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
    _______________

    This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?

    The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

    The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?

    The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

    The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".

    The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
    _____________

    Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.

    "Blood," orders the first vampire.

    "Make it two," says the second.

    The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"

    "Plasma," says the vampire.

    "Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."

  3. #228
    Gunslinger Apprentice blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about

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    I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

    She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!"

    With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

    A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

    "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

    At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
    ____________

    A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

    “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

    The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

  4. #229
    Demon of the Prim TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack is a name known to all TravelinJack's Avatar

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    Little Johnny vs Math Teacher (My take on an oldie but a goodie)

    ----

    Little Johnny hated math class. His seat was front and center. It was without a doubt the chair and the student who sat in it that was most often called upon. Last Friday was no different.

    "Good morning class. Let's jump right into it shall we? Not to worry, we'll start easy," Mrs. Kingston said as she looked about the room.

    Little Johnny placed his hand to his forehead as he looked down at his desk. Not today lady, please not today, he thought to himself.

    "Ok, now listen up closely class," she said as she drew a long horizontal line across the chalkboard. She walked back over to the middle of the line and drew four crude birds. "There are four crows sitting on a power line," she tapped the chalk a few times as she said this. "Farmer Henry comes out and shoots one," she scratches a large 'X' over one of the birds. "How many do we have left?" She asked, once again looking about the room for raised hands. There were none.

    No, don't do it, Little Johnny repeated in his head.

    "No takers today, I see." Mrs. Kingston scrunched her face. "I guess, since I have no volunteers to answer, I'll just have to pick one of you."

    Little Johnny did everything possible to remain still. His head was looking down avoiding eye contact.

    "Johnny, why don't you tell the class how many crows are left?"

    His face reddened and without looking up he said, "none."

    "Excuse me Johnny, can you say that a little louder for the class to hear?"

    Little Johnny lifted his head and did as he was asked. "None," he called out.

    "Johnny, can you please explain your answer?"

    "The farmer shot a gun, he hit the one, and the others flew away." He stated this with confidence and pride.

    "No Johnny, the answer is Three. The farmer shot one, leaving three crows. But I like the way you think."

    Little Johnny shifted in his chair and scoffed at the absurdity of this illogical rubbish that was being taught. He thrust one arm into the air.

    "Yes Johnny, you have a question?" Mrs. Kingston said as she tilted her head.

    "Yes, I do." He grinned and looked right at her as he said this.

    "Go on then Johnny."

    "Ok. There are three ladies sitting on a bench. Each with a vanilla swirl ice cream cone," he looked at her confirming she was paying attention.

    "Yes, ok continue," she said.

    "The first lady was licking her ice cream from the base of the cone to the top, in short quick licks. The second was placing the ice cream deep into her mouth and slowly pulling it out as her lips wrapped around the ice cream. The third was taking small quick nibbles up and down the ice cream in random places."

    Mrs. Kingston was listening to Johnny surprised at herself for how entranced she was by the detail of the questions. She nodded as to go on.

    "Which one of those ladies is married?" Little Johnny asked as his cheeks raised in a smile.

    "Well, um, I don't know what to say. I suppose it would likely be the second lady," she said with little hesitation.

    "No Mrs. Kingston, that is incorrect." His smile grew bigger showing teeth. "It's the lady with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
    "Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes they win." - SK

    WTB:
    - S/L 'Storm Front' Jim Butcher (Subterranean Press)
    - S/L 'Fool Moon' Jim Butcher (Subterranean Press)

  5. #230
    Fundraiser Emeritus Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958 is loved by dogs and cats Merlin1958's Avatar

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    A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!”

    The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

    Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”

    “No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”


    The Houston Astros cheated Major League Baseball from 2017-18!!!!

    They cheated their way to a couple of League Championships & a World Series!!!!

    Is that how we teach our kids to play the game now?????

  6. #231
    Gunslinger Apprentice blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about blunthead has a spectacular aura about

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    If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look 
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”

  7. #232
    Servant of Gan amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013 has a brilliant future amd013's Avatar

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    There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
    Wanted:

    'Salem's Lot Portfolio #606

    Blockade Billy Lettered edition

  8. #233
    Servant of Gan Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    Twonuns were smoking when it started to rain...

    The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

    The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

    "From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

    So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

    "What size do you need" asked the clerk.

    The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel

  9. #234
    Servant of Gan kingfan2323 is a splendid one to behold kingfan2323 is a splendid one to behold kingfan2323 is a splendid one to behold kingfan2323 is a splendid one to behold kingfan2323 is a splendid one to behold kingfan2323 is a splendid one to behold kingfan2323 is a splendid one to behold kingfan2323's Avatar

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    Why is a giraffe's neck so long?



    Because it's head is so far from its body.

    seeking: ANYTHING DT related #246
    Dead Zone 1st Edition F/F or NF/NF
    ANYTHING DT Related #246
    Dead Zone First Edition F/F or NF/NF

  10. #235
    Maerlyn's Imp Joe315 is a splendid one to behold Joe315 is a splendid one to behold Joe315 is a splendid one to behold Joe315 is a splendid one to behold Joe315 is a splendid one to behold Joe315 is a splendid one to behold Joe315 is a splendid one to behold Joe315 is a splendid one to behold

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    Probably NSFW

  11. #236
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    What happened to the butcher who sat on his meat grinder?

    He got a little behind in his work.
    "I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It's not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love."

  12. #237
    Servant of Gan Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    Guy walks into his local butcher and asked "wheres the new meat guy you had working here?"
    Butcher replied "had to sack him... he was caught sticking his penis into the meat grinder".
    "Wow" said the man "what happened to the meat grinder?"

    "Had to sack her too" said the butcher...

  13. #238
    Traveler Picklemaniac has a spectacular aura about Picklemaniac has a spectacular aura about Picklemaniac's Avatar

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    Is this thread still active? If so, nothing can beat this one.

    A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

    So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

    “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

    “Except what?” asked the businessman.

    “Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

    “Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

    “The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

    The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

    He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

    The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

    The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

    The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

    The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

    He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

    After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

    The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”

  14. #239
    Servant of Gan Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    What do you call an IT teacher who stands to close to his pupils???

    a PDF File...

  15. #240
    And slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us. T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47 people like to rub elbows with me T-Dogz_AK47's Avatar

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    I knew an awesome joke about amnesia... but I can't remember how it goes.

    “Suddenly, like a thing falling upon me from without, came fear.” – H.G. Wells

  16. #241
    This is L.A fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito people like to rub elbows with me fernandito's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Picklemaniac View Post
    Is this thread still active? If so, nothing can beat this one.

    A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

    So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

    “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

    “Except what?” asked the businessman.

    “Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

    “Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

    “The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

    The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

    He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

    The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

    The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

    The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

    The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

    He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

    After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

    The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”
    tl;dr

  17. #242
    Servant of Gan Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach ?

    The guy who can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.

    Who is the most popular girl ? The one that can eat the last doughnut

  18. #243
    Caution: eye irritant Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Picklemaniac View Post
    Is this thread still active? If so, nothing can beat this one.

    A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

    So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

    “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

    “Except what?” asked the businessman.

    “Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

    “Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

    “The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

    The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

    He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

    The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

    The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

    The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

    The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

    He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

    After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

    The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”
    That was a looong way to go for that one!

    LOL...thanks!
    Out of the silent planet
    Come the demons of creation

  19. #244
    Servant of Gan Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jon View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Picklemaniac View Post
    Is this thread still active? If so, nothing can beat this one.

    A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

    So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

    “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

    “Except what?” asked the businessman.

    “Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

    “Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

    “The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

    The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

    He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

    The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

    The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

    The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

    The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

    He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

    After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

    The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”
    That was a looong way to go for that one!

    LOL...thanks!
    Long way to for a pain in the arse

  20. #245
    Servant of Gan Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    Ok... this is the quick fire round!
    If you are easily offended, insulated or disgusted please dint read... for the rest if ya.


    1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

    2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
    Beat it. We’re closed.


    3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
    For fingering a minor.

    4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
    One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

    5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
    He only comes once a year.

    6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
    A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

    7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
    One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

    8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!


    9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
    Because his wife died.

    10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
    There are twenty of them.

    11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
    You can unscrew a lightbulb.

    12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
    Lick-a-lotta-puss.

    13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
    A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

    14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
    The more you play with it, the harder it gets.


    15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
    If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

    16. What’s the best part about gardening?
    Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

    17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
    They both irritate the shit out of you.

    18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
    The man.

    19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
    Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

    20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
    A submarine.


    21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
    After five years, your job will still suck.

    22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
    They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

    23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
    Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

    24. Why did God give men penises?
    So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

    25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
    Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.


    26. What did the penis say to the vagina?
    Don’t make me come in there!

    27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
    Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

    28. What’s another name for a vagina?
    The box a penis comes in.

    29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
    One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

    30. What do you call two jalapeńos getting it on?
    Fucking hot!

    31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
    Call and tell her about it.


    32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
    Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

    33. How is life like a penis?
    Your girlfriend makes it hard.

    34. Why do women have orgasms?
    Just another reason to moan, really.

    35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
    Just-in!

    36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
    Phil!

    37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
    A private tutor.

    38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
    A cherry float.


    39. Know what a 6.9 is?
    Another good thing screwed up by a period.

    40. How is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

    41. What do boobs and toys have in common?
    They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

    42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
    Beef strokin’ off.

    43. What did the O say to the Q?
    Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

    44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
    A trip without kids.


    45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
    You are the wind beneath my wings.

    46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
    As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

    48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

    49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    Kick his sister in the jaw.

    50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
    Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob

  21. #246
    Caution: eye irritant Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon has a brilliant future Jon's Avatar

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    What did the O say to the Q?
    Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

    NICE!
    Out of the silent planet
    Come the demons of creation

  22. #247
    Servant of Gan Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb is a splendid one to behold Sai Sheb's Avatar

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    Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!

    Q: What do you get when you cross and owl and a rooster? A: A cock that stays up all night long.

    Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas? A: He can't find the zipper!

    Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

    Q: What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner? A: He smashed his his nose.

    Q: What happens when you make a penis out of Legos? A: You get COCK BLOCKed.

    Q: How many knees do men really have? A: 3.... right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

    Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

    Q: What did the penis say to the vagina? A: Don't make me cum in there.

    Q: What do you call an endowed puppet? A: Well strung.

    Q: What do you call an erection when listening to hymns? A: an organ boner

    Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

    Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis? A: So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

    Q: What did the O say to the Q? A: "Dude, your dick's hanging out."

    Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a cock? A: The man.

    Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period? A: She could taste the blood on her son's dick!

    Q: What do you do with a years worth of used condoms? A: Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

    Q: How many parrots can you fit down a man's pants? A: Depends on the length of the perch.

    Q: Why do Justin Biebers male friends nickname him "Shotgun"? A: Give him a cock and he'll Blow!

    Q: What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me im going in!
    Had a fight with a erection, this morning. I BEAT IT SINGLE HANDEDLY.

    Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A: a dicktator!

    Q: What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A: A urination.

    Q: What do you call a guy who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker.

    I heard Justin Bieber has an 8 inch cock But it's in his ass and belongs to Usher.

    Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A: So men can be open minded.

    Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm bank say when clients are leaving? A: Thanks for coming!

    Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common? A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!

    Q: What do rich people drink when they are jerking off? A: A Fapacchino.

    Q: What is the difference between a sin and shame? A: It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

    Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut? A: Dont talk to the guy in the middle, hes a dick.

    Q: What happens when you beat off in the summer? A: You get heat-stroke.

    Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men? A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!

    Q: Why did the pervert cross the road? A: His dick was stuck in the chicken

    Q: What do you ask a angry dick? A: Is someone messing with your head?

    Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? A: Beef strokin' off.

    Q: What is a diaphragm? A: A trampoline for dickheads.

    Q: What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A: A Terrorwrist

    Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it we're closed.

    Q: What's the difference between pink and purple? A: The grip!

    Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough. Q: What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs? A: Clever dick.

    Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common? A: Both contain a cockpit

    Q: What do you call a sunburnt penis? A: Sunny D

    Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with A telephone pole? A: a 10 foot cock that wants to touch someone.

    Girl "I wear heels bigger than your dick!" Guy: "I take shits fresher than your pussy."

    Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

    Q: What did the left nut said to the right nut? A: Look at the dude in the middle tryna look all hard.

    Q: Where does a penis get its sports gear? A: Dicks sporting goods

    Q: Do you know Myra? A: My right nut.

    Q: What do you call a man with. Three legs? A: Tom (DICK) & harry

    Q: What's the smartest thing to ever come out a woman's mouth? A: Einstein's cock...

    Q: How do you bring a man back from the dead? A: You suck on his dick until he cums back.

    Q: What do a Rubix cube and a cock have in common? A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

    Q: What does a Bengal Tiger and a Two inch pecker have in common? A: You don't FUCK with them!

    Q: Why do cats lick their weiner? A: Because they can't make a fist.

    Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego... A: "Is it in?"
    Q: What do you call a jiggalo who says he can suck 25 cocks in an hour? A: A psychopath with a cocky attitude. Q: Where can one find a lot of dicks? A: In a Penistentiary. Q: Why did the young boy dip his penis repeatedly into the peanut butter? A: Because he wanted to be Peter Pan.

    Q: What can a bird do that a man can't do? A: Eat with his pecker.
    Q: What kind of fruit is good for sperm? A: Kumquat.

    Q: Why did the battleship go through the car wash? A: Because it was full of sea men!

    Q: Have you seen the kids movie about using the potty? A: It's called "How to Drain your Dragon"

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo." Q: What does 69 equal? A: A couple of mouths full.


    I hope non cause any offence...

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