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    Owner Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg's Avatar

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    Default Funny Rant to Stephen King

    Found this on the net.
    Dear Mr. Stephen King,

    You do not know me, but I am writing about your book Dreamcatcher. It is a good book, but I think it could be made much better. I am not a professional writer, but I have taken alot (that’s two words, right?) of writing in college. It was mostly in Spanish and C++ but I still know how to write. I am sure I know your book better than you do because you have written many books since 2001, but I just read your book so you should listen to me and do what I suggest. I am writing this letter to help you make better books. I have read lots of scary books so I am a master at knowing all about scary books and you could obviously learn a lot from me, so read carefully what I tell you in this letter.
    First, what is with the retard kid? Nobody likes retards so you should take him out of the story. Instead you should have a ninja, or maybe a pirate. Everyone likes ninjas and pirates, they are very popular. All my friends agree that ninjas and pirates are cool but nobody likes retards. You should also change the name because pirates and ninjas don’t have names like “Duddits”. I think a story about pirates and ninjas and aliens and maybe cowboys would be so cool and everyone would buy it. You would probably sell about a billion more books if you took just this one idea.
    And what is with the other guys? They are not cool at all. They are like the loser friends I had from college. They have no cool super powers and they kind of suck. I think they should be changed, too. Maybe they could be cowboys, because cowboys are also cool like ninjas and pirates and aliens, but Duddits should be special and the rest of them shouldn’t be like him. I know it is important to the story that Duddits be special.
    And what is with the dreamcatcher? In the movie it was hanging from the ceiling and it did nothing when the people were being attacked by the orange stuff. Dreamcatchers are magical items that help protect you from bad things at night and that dreamcatcher didn’t do anything. I think the dreamcatcher should be magical. Maybe a ninja “Duddits” (with a new name like “Duddits-san” because ninjas aren’t named like that) could use it as a magical throwing star that would go out and come back to his hand after it was thrown. He could attack the enemies like that and be much cooler. Maybe it creates bullets for the cowboy friends’ six-shooters, which are cowboy guns.
    I also think the army guys are not very cool, either. They seem very uneffective (ineffective? Can’t expect me to catch every mistake!) and I think the military is cool. They should have been more like Rambo, with guns blazing and taking out bad guys! Make more of the aliens so that the army guys have something to attack. Also, it is so obvious that you ripped off that colonel guy from another story. God, why can’t you writers be original for a change? It isn’t hard to write about something that has never been written about before. I am sure it is not. Also, would a colonel be in charge of an army group like that? I do not think so, and since I pay you money I expect you to catch every mistake like that. If you do not, you are obviously a lazy writer that can’t write and you should let me have more control over your stories so that you don’t make so many stupid mistakes or nobody should buy your book and you should be poor.
    I also think you suck as a writer. I read one of your other books and it was about baseball. All you talked about was about the Red Sox and how they played the game in only one year. It had a stupid name like “Faithful” which I thought was going to be like the book Misery which also has one word for a title and is a feeling but it wasn’t like Misery at all! It was very boring because I don’t like baseball, and it wasn’t scary at all. You obviously do not know how to write scary books at all and you should let me write them instead. I have a lot of great ideas that I can share, and I know a lot about scary books because I read a lot of them and obviously that makes me an expert at writing them as well. I do not require much to share these ideas, you just have to tell everyone that I am your best friend and so smart, and put my name on the front cover of the book.
    You are also too greedy. I think your older books should be like free because they are old and we all know old things are not as good as new things. I would pay full price for a new Harlequin romance novel even though I do not like romance novels because it is new and new things are worth more. I think you should ship me a hard cover edition of Carrie and Christine and a lot of your older books. Why do you charge so much for your older books when they do not cost you anything to write them anymore! You have finished writing them and therefore they should be free. And don’t give me a cheap paperback, either, I want a nice hardcover and I want you to sign, but don’t personalize it because that lowers the eBay value. Please send me like a dozen of the older books for free for my personal collection. I have spent a lot of time reading these books so I think I should own them.
    In closing, let me say that you should listen to me because I am your paying customer. I have purchased a number of scary books that you have written, and I have given you a lot of money. I have also spent a lot of time reading your books, and I think that I have invested so much time reading Dreamcatcher that I probably own the story. I photocopied the book and sold the original version because of this strong feeling of ownership. I think this is fair because I feel that I own the book and as we know the old saying goes, “feeling is 9/10ths of the law”. In case you are not as cool as I thought you were I can say that I just sold the book and that I could have memorized the story, so the photocopy is not illegal. I just sold the book, not my memory of the book, which is totally legal under copyright law as I read about it on Slashdot.
    Remember, listen to me because I am a paying customer. I have invested so much into reading your books and I have invested so much time that I think I am part owner for your books and I should have a say in how you write and sell books. I am so much smarter than you are and I write so much better so you should listen to me or you suck and I will go post about it on every internet forum I know of.
    Your friend, Brian.
    http://images.google.com/imgres?imgu...%3Den%26sa%3DN

  2. #2
    Roont Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice's Avatar

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    I think I've seen that before but, it's hilarious.
    The Awesomest fled across the desert and The Awesomer followed.

    If you rescue me
    I’ll be your friend forever


    I wish that I could write fiction, but that seems almost an impossibility. -howard phillips lovecraft (1915)



  3. #3
    Nigel Tufnel Odetta has a spectacular aura about Odetta has a spectacular aura about Odetta has a spectacular aura about Odetta's Avatar

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    I like how it's signed... "Your Friend" - WTF? Who signs a letter like that "your friend"?
    There's a fine line between stupid and clever.

    You can't really dust for vomit.

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    Roont Matt will become famous soon enough Matt's Avatar

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    Sounds like classic Annie W. to me.
    The kindness of close friends is like a warm blanket

  5. #5
    Bojack Horseman fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito has a reputation beyond repute fernandito's Avatar

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    Did a 5 year old write that?
    I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!

    Quote Originally Posted by Girlystevedave View Post
    I'm just nodding my head the whole time thinking "ok, stop now, please."

  6. #6
    Other worlds Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick's Avatar

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    ...Why do you charge so much for your older books when they do not cost you anything to write them anymore!...


    Brian is hilarious.
    "...that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little." ~ Ray Bradbury

  7. #7
    Numenorean ManOfWesternesse is on a distinguished road ManOfWesternesse's Avatar

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    I know it's signed "Brian" on the end..... but honest to God folks, it wasn't me!
    <img src=http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z47/ManOfWesternesse/dt_bcBanner002d.jpg border=0 alt= />

  8. #8
    Gunslinger Apprentice BigCoffinHunter is on a distinguished road BigCoffinHunter's Avatar

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    Default It Lowers the E-Bay Value

    I want a nice hardcover and I want you to sign, but don’t personalize it because that lowers the eBay value.
    Hahahaha, that is so awesome.
    "Smile... It is a fine day..."

  9. #9
    Banned Jimmy is on a distinguished road

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    That was great!

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    Along the Path of the Beam MaraJShakespeare is on a distinguished road MaraJShakespeare's Avatar

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    Is this real? If so, how did someone that thunderously stupid learn to write even that well? Or was the original done in crayon and transcribed by someone marginally less moronic? Although it was clever for President Bush to come up with the pen-name 'Brian,' I must say. . .
    We place no reliance
    Upon virgin or pigeon;
    Our method is science,
    Our aim is religion!

    -Motto of Aleister Crowley

  11. #11
    aka lindakins alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda's Avatar

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    what an ass!

    The answer is within

    all matter is energy, all energy is GOD

  12. #12
    Roont Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice has much to be proud of Brice's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Randall Flagg View Post
    Found this on the net.
    Dear Mr. Stephen King,

    You do not know me, but I am writing about your book Dreamcatcher. It is a good book, but I think it could be made much better. I am not a professional writer, but I have taken alot (that’s two words, right?) of writing in college. It was mostly in Spanish and C++ but I still know how to write. I am sure I know your book better than you do because you have written many books since 2001, but I just read your book so you should listen to me and do what I suggest. I am writing this letter to help you make better books. I have read lots of scary books so I am a master at knowing all about scary books and you could obviously learn a lot from me, so read carefully what I tell you in this letter.
    First, what is with the retard kid? Nobody likes retards so you should take him out of the story. Instead you should have a ninja, or maybe a pirate. Everyone likes ninjas and pirates, they are very popular. All my friends agree that ninjas and pirates are cool but nobody likes retards. You should also change the name because pirates and ninjas don’t have names like “Duddits”. I think a story about pirates and ninjas and aliens and maybe cowboys would be so cool and everyone would buy it. You would probably sell about a billion more books if you took just this one idea.
    And what is with the other guys? They are not cool at all. They are like the loser friends I had from college. They have no cool super powers and they kind of suck. I think they should be changed, too. Maybe they could be cowboys, because cowboys are also cool like ninjas and pirates and aliens, but Duddits should be special and the rest of them shouldn’t be like him. I know it is important to the story that Duddits be special.
    And what is with the dreamcatcher? In the movie it was hanging from the ceiling and it did nothing when the people were being attacked by the orange stuff. Dreamcatchers are magical items that help protect you from bad things at night and that dreamcatcher didn’t do anything. I think the dreamcatcher should be magical. Maybe a ninja “Duddits” (with a new name like “Duddits-san” because ninjas aren’t named like that) could use it as a magical throwing star that would go out and come back to his hand after it was thrown. He could attack the enemies like that and be much cooler. Maybe it creates bullets for the cowboy friends’ six-shooters, which are cowboy guns.
    I also think the army guys are not very cool, either. They seem very uneffective (ineffective? Can’t expect me to catch every mistake!) and I think the military is cool. They should have been more like Rambo, with guns blazing and taking out bad guys! Make more of the aliens so that the army guys have something to attack. Also, it is so obvious that you ripped off that colonel guy from another story. God, why can’t you writers be original for a change? It isn’t hard to write about something that has never been written about before. I am sure it is not. Also, would a colonel be in charge of an army group like that? I do not think so, and since I pay you money I expect you to catch every mistake like that. If you do not, you are obviously a lazy writer that can’t write and you should let me have more control over your stories so that you don’t make so many stupid mistakes or nobody should buy your book and you should be poor.
    I also think you suck as a writer. I read one of your other books and it was about baseball. All you talked about was about the Red Sox and how they played the game in only one year. It had a stupid name like “Faithful” which I thought was going to be like the book Misery which also has one word for a title and is a feeling but it wasn’t like Misery at all! It was very boring because I don’t like baseball, and it wasn’t scary at all. You obviously do not know how to write scary books at all and you should let me write them instead. I have a lot of great ideas that I can share, and I know a lot about scary books because I read a lot of them and obviously that makes me an expert at writing them as well. I do not require much to share these ideas, you just have to tell everyone that I am your best friend and so smart, and put my name on the front cover of the book.
    You are also too greedy. I think your older books should be like free because they are old and we all know old things are not as good as new things. I would pay full price for a new Harlequin romance novel even though I do not like romance novels because it is new and new things are worth more. I think you should ship me a hard cover edition of Carrie and Christine and a lot of your older books. Why do you charge so much for your older books when they do not cost you anything to write them anymore! You have finished writing them and therefore they should be free. And don’t give me a cheap paperback, either, I want a nice hardcover and I want you to sign, but don’t personalize it because that lowers the eBay value. Please send me like a dozen of the older books for free for my personal collection. I have spent a lot of time reading these books so I think I should own them.
    In closing, let me say that you should listen to me because I am your paying customer. I have purchased a number of scary books that you have written, and I have given you a lot of money. I have also spent a lot of time reading your books, and I think that I have invested so much time reading Dreamcatcher that I probably own the story. I photocopied the book and sold the original version because of this strong feeling of ownership. I think this is fair because I feel that I own the book and as we know the old saying goes, “feeling is 9/10ths of the law”. In case you are not as cool as I thought you were I can say that I just sold the book and that I could have memorized the story, so the photocopy is not illegal. I just sold the book, not my memory of the book, which is totally legal under copyright law as I read about it on Slashdot.
    Remember, listen to me because I am a paying customer. I have invested so much into reading your books and I have invested so much time that I think I am part owner for your books and I should have a say in how you write and sell books. I am so much smarter than you are and I write so much better so you should listen to me or you suck and I will go post about it on every internet forum I know of.
    Your friend, Brian.
    http://images.google.com/imgres?imgu...%3Den%26sa%3DN

    After this letter can it be a surprise that King isn't exactly eager to interact with fans? This dude makes Annie Wilkes seem almost sane.
    The Awesomest fled across the desert and The Awesomer followed.

    If you rescue me
    I’ll be your friend forever


    I wish that I could write fiction, but that seems almost an impossibility. -howard phillips lovecraft (1915)



  13. #13
    Constant Reader Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts has a spectacular aura about Darkthoughts's Avatar

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    It was funny, but I think someone did it as a prank.

  14. #14
    aka lindakins alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda's Avatar

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    I just opened the link attached , it seems like it was an assignment for
    a lecture, or something.

    The answer is within

    all matter is energy, all energy is GOD

  15. #15
    Owner Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg is loved more than Jesus Randall Flagg's Avatar

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    It was meant as a joke. The person writes very well-it's not easy to write like an idiot.

  16. #16
    Guardian of the Beam Storyslinger will become famous soon enough Storyslinger will become famous soon enough Storyslinger's Avatar

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    it is pretty funny

  17. #17
    Other worlds Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick has a brilliant future Patrick's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Randall Flagg View Post
    It was meant as a joke. The person writes very well-it's not easy to write like an idiot.
    Exactly.
    "...that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little." ~ Ray Bradbury

  18. #18
    Along the Path of the Beam MaraJShakespeare is on a distinguished road MaraJShakespeare's Avatar

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    I still think it's perfectly sincere, and that the author is George W. Bush.
    We place no reliance
    Upon virgin or pigeon;
    Our method is science,
    Our aim is religion!

    -Motto of Aleister Crowley

  19. #19
    Roont Matt will become famous soon enough Matt's Avatar

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    Rough!!
    The kindness of close friends is like a warm blanket

  20. #20
    Guardian of the Beam Storyslinger will become famous soon enough Storyslinger will become famous soon enough Storyslinger's Avatar

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  21. #21
    Traveler April'sFool is on a distinguished road

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    Now THAT is how you do satire. "Feeling is 9/10ths of the law"? Brilliant!

  22. #22
    Fuck Adumbros is on a distinguished road Adumbros's Avatar

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    ya know...i'm sorely tempted...i mean sorely...to dissect this useless bunch of drivel bit by bit...but it would take too long. altho brice has a point. that last remark of his is precisely why, if i manage to pick up a publisher, i'm using a pseudonym. damned if i'm gonna deal with loonies and moochers.

  23. #23
    aka lindakins alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda's Avatar

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    Bro, it was a assignment for the guys class at school.

    The answer is within

    all matter is energy, all energy is GOD

  24. #24
    Fuck Adumbros is on a distinguished road Adumbros's Avatar

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    I can't buy that. I've taken creative writing courses, and none of them have dealt with the art of inanity.

  25. #25
    aka lindakins alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda is a glorious beacon of light alinda's Avatar

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    seriously , click link in the first post.

    The answer is within

    all matter is energy, all energy is GOD

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