I Will Survive (The Survivors Thread)

[LadyHitchhiker]

I thought it might be apt to make a thread (if there isn't one already) about surviving abuse. Build up each other's self worth? Learn from each other's drama? Vent? This is much more than a displeased and bothered thread. This is about healing, support, which is NECESSARY in healing from trauma.

So pop up a comfy chair, and feel free to come in here and vent, cry, scream, rage, love, be loved, whatever you need...

[LadyHitchhiker]

To tell my story, I was with a male for 8.5 years. He was emotionally, verbally, sexually and financially abusive. I am finishing up my divorce papers tomorrow (YES!) and then I have the two month wait (the most dangerous time once it's served) until I have freedom at least from his last name, if not from having him out of my head, criticizing everything I do. It's significantly harder than I thought to get that voice out of your head, reprimanding and questioning everything you do or don't do.

[Jon]

To tell my story, I was with a male for 8.5 years. He was emotionally, verbally, sexually and financially abusive. I am finishing up my divorce papers tomorrow (YES!) and then I have the two month wait (the most dangerous time once it's served) until I have freedom at least from his last name, if not from having him out of my head, criticizing everything I do. It's significantly harder than I thought to get that voice out of your head, reprimanding and questioning everything you do or don't do.

I am DEEPLY proud of you. If I were in the U.P.; I'd be beside you at all times with my Louisville Slugger and my .380. I suspect I might be able to talk a bear brother into bringing his dear friend Кала́шников.

[Jon]

I too must tell a tale of abuse. Physical...yes a woman can hurt a man. Those large "party-type" ashtrays made of thick glass hurt when they hit your head...words hurt too. Words and phrases and secrets only she knows and she was the confidant. Actions hurt too. No need to go into the actions she performed. You likely heard or can guess.

The pain of 22 years of this...sickness, ran far deeper than I ever dreamed. I thought that when one got a divorce, the divorce fairy soon visited and took all the hurt, anger, mistrust and bitterness away. Not so, as I found out at the expense of a friend and lover.

As much as my loneliness and rejection from the online dating sites hurts, real life hurts more...I think.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Jon, I love you, and you need to heal... I'm finding out it's not an easy journey, at all.

Anybody who hasn't learned about boundaries, I think should.

I gave my husband permission to do all those things to me - inadvertantly - by repeatedly telling him, "As long as you don't cheat on me, or beat me, I won't leave you." Thus, that gave him permission to do everything else to me.

There's a lot of people that it takes two people to make a relationship fail, just as it does to make it work. I now think in some relationships that's bullshit. I gave everything of myself, to the point that I lost who I was, and all hope in my dreams. Dreams like being published, learning to tap dance, going to Ireland, being able to stand up for myself, taking care of my cats the way I want to, swimming with dolphins, etc.,. And even dreams I don't know if I do want in the future I gave up. I gave up even the remote chance of having a human child. I gave up going to the doctors to find out what was wrong with my reproductive system and just settled by being on depo. I couldn't be me, because I gave so much to him, and he took took took. I need people in my life who will give. It takes two people, giving all the time, striving to grow, to make a relationship work, rather that be a friendship or a romance.

And this journey is incredibly hard. Because I have strived that what little I have left of me to be as unlike him as possible. So I have pushed away anger, and shoved it down until I either dissolved or imploded or exploded, falling in on myself, turning into a black hole whenever I get hurt. But at the same time I gave, kept giving to everybody, anybody, because to think about myself would be to be like him because he only cared about himself. And not that there's anything wrong with being a caretaker - because that's who I am - but finding the balance has been hard. Especially when I had a rock, a shelter for a while who was there for me, and just hasn't been lately, and I understand, because that person is going through their own journey as well, which is quite difficult. I've been a rollercoaster, up down, all around, sideways.. and for a while I felt rather stable. But perhaps I was just hiding my healing from myself. Not really sure.

But I digress. This isn't just about therapy, this is about education.

So, for those who don't know what controlling, abusive relationships are, here's a very few examples that I endured:

• Can’t talk on phone, or if I do, it cannot exceed 4 minutes or else he’s complaining that I’m clucking too much on the phone or waves his hand going, “Come on! Come on! Come on!”
• Every performance I was in, he wasn’t at and wouldn’t watch the dvd of me on it either
• Jealous of the cats
• Didn’t want me to waste money on putting Linus to sleep; wanted him to starve at home.
• Wasn’t there to put Linus/Kazi asleep. Wasn’t there to help bury my father.
• Need to tell him where I’m at all times
• Expects me to “get over” grief within a week (including his own daughter’s death).
• Depression/wisdom teeth couldn’t “come at a worse time”
• No knitting while we’re watching tv because the noise bothers him
• No typing on the computer while he watches tv/ trying to sleep
• Took time away from my family. Never would integrate into my family. Whenever I would get off the phone with my sister he would tell me “I don’t like her.”
• When I was home from work sick, expected that day to get better
• I catered to all his food wants because he never “knew what he wanted” day by day
• He’d be mad if I called him because I was calling too much but then he’d be mad if I didn’t call him because there might be something he needed.
• He would buy me my favorite perfume and lotion every year for Christmas, but I wasn’t allowed to wear it because the smell bothered him.
• He tried to talk me out of going to church. He asked why I wanted to go, and I said it helped make me a better person and he tried to manipulate me by saying that I was already perfect and didn’t need to go. He also said it was a waste of my time.
• Telling me how to drive – I drove like a grandma, I took the wrong roads, there’s how ever many cars coming, like I can’t drive safely.
• When he drove I felt in danger because he was such a dangerous driver. He would honk, tailgate, scream, swear, punch the top of the car.
• Would be mad at me because I was walking to work when we didn’t have a car. He would say he “worried about” me but then he would make sure that he had a ride to and from work because he was too good to walk.
• Never told me he liked my outfits, but would make sure to tell me if he hated it, then he’d make me feel so ugly that I wouldn’t be able to wear that outfit anymore.
• Wasn’t there at dad’s burial.
• Mad if I make any contrary decisions for myself.
• Didn’t take care of the litterbox but told when he thought it needed to be done.
• If he went to his mom’s, he would take his laundry to his mom’s but never mine.
• Dictated about the window-fans. If I wasn’t home to take them out when he said they should be taken out, he would get mad. So basically I was to stay home and monitor the fans during the summer.
• Be mad if I didn’t fill the humidifier – which I don’t have the hand strength to open.
• Get mad if I don’t fold the blankets the same way he did.
• Would say it was okay if I went to spend time with my friends, but then be mad when I did.
• Didn’t want me doing the plays.
• I didn’t vacuum/sweep “right”.
• Pick on me for my belly, wants it to be flat. And would poke at my belly and ask me if I was pregnant. Tells me I would look sexier if I lost weight, be blonde, be brunette.
• Calls me fat. “Nymphomaniac”, “immature”, “selfish”, Told me not to be stupid; called me a bitch; depressed bitch; that I had redwoods for legs. Tells me I need to get a boob job because my boobs are too saggy (even though one of the first things he said he liked about me was my big boobs).
• If the bed isn’t made, it’s a crisis because someone might come over; same with dishes.
• Always look at a woman’s finger to see if she was wearing a wedding ring or not.
• Flirt with girls at work.
• Wouldn’t always communicate where he was.
• Says my writing isn’t important unless I can make money off of it.
• He would be quiet while we were watching tv, but if I wanted to read, or do anything else, he’d want to talk.
• One time I overdid the food a little bit, while taking a shower and after that he yelled at me if I didn’t stand right over the food while cooking.
• Lots of foods I couldn’t eat around him because the odor bothered him,.
• Always said I took too much space in the closet when he always took up more space than me.
• Mad at me when I bought a new wedding ring that actually fit.
• Called me an old grandma because I knit and tells me I shouldn’t because it “isn’t me”.
• Insults the cats frequently.
• Wouldn’t wear a hat, then complained about getting sick because I would want the car cooler because I overheat easily.
• Doesn’t listen to me about my feelings being hurt.
• Tells me he can’t fix stuff by talking.
• Tells me he will get what he needs from the girls at work if he can’t get it from me.
• Talks about exes frequently, and compares me to them.
• No singing while driving, cooking, showering.
• Refusing to talk to me next day if I didn’t feel good enough for sex, but if I wanted sex I was expected to wait until he felt like it. Same with scratching his feet. And if he didn’t get his feet scratched nightly he would be mad.
• Ruined my credit
• Won’t go to doctors then controls me with his pain
• Tells me “you really need to step it up around here”
• We only talk about tv & bills anymore
• Wouldn’t dance with me at the dances but would with the other girls if they asked
• Throwing things when angry
• Scaring the kids so bad they poop sometimes
• Yelled at my mom to the point she was going to call the cops because she drove my car (with permission) and it died in Norway.
• Grabbed Linus by the scruff of the neck, and “accidentally” slammed him into the wall one time but then he was mad at me because I was checking to see how he was
• Laughed when Linus went out the window, not worried if he was hurt
• Mailing friends is “stupid”, a “waste of money”. Get mad about postcards, etc. saying “well they could address them to ME too!”
• Wanted me to find another man to take care of my sexual needs.
• I wasn’t allowed to sleep in, but he would be mad if he didn’t get to.
• Would intentionally start an argument before bed, knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep until we talkied it out.
• Would punish me by withdrawing emotionally intentionally.
• Made me sleep on the couch or abandoned the bed due to cough/snore.
• Would scream at me to drink water if I was coughing.
• Woke me up TONS of times every night due to my snoring, said he was “helping”.
• Demanded I get sinus surgery so I’ll stop snoring (why go through a painful surgery with no guarantee?)
• Told me if I got a third cat, he would divorce me.
• Wouldn’t let me get a plant
• Dishes/dinner needed to be done by 6 pm at the latest. Wants all dishes done by time he gets home; won’t do same for me. Same with water bottles being filled.
• Tells me what type of shoes to wear
• I always HAVE to be quiet when news/weather comes on the radio/tv
• Always has to try to tell me what setting to put my climate control on in my car
• Never will remove my bras before drying cycle
• “I was going to get us a new couch because *I* can’t sit on it anymore”
• “I don’t like the new toilet seat; it’s too small” even though the old one was splitting open my butt.
• Can’t read romance novels because it’s “cheating”
• Have to have the cheap hangers and they HAVE to be white
• Can’t not eat, I’m in trouble. Can’t eat, I’m in trouble.
• Complained about my shampoo/conditioner – the smell
• Couldn’t go to animal shelter because it was too far away.
• Abused me until I got a transfer from the group home in Norway – which I loved – to the local job at Northpointe – which fortunately I also love – because he said it was too far away.
• When I was bent over, or trying to go up the stairs, he would try to stick his finger into my anus.
• Manipulated into having sex, repeatedly. If I wasn’t wet enough, it was my problem. If I was too wet, well that was too disgusting.
• If my nipples were erect, he would get mad/excited, “What are you so aroused about?”
• Always point out other women’s NHOs (Nipple Hard Ons).
• Made it impossible to have female friends, because he’d give them the tour of the bedroom and try to get us to have threesomes, or make sexual comments about them to their face or once they had left.
• Being racist.
• When he knew that I had hemmorhoids he would try to play with my anus.
• He would get mad at me if I had a yeast infection but I was expected to give him head.
• When coming home from the hospital, or when I was sick, I was expected to perform sexually for him.
• If I didn’t feel good enough physically for sex, I was expected to give him a blow job.
• He refused to give me oral sex after a while. I was “too messy”.
• Called me a dirty slut during sex.
• Would be mad if my nipples weren’t hard during sex, because he thought the was proof I was truly aroused, so he would pinch them hard until they poked out.
• Immediately after sex he emotionally blocked me. I’d ask him if it was okay, and he would shrug, making me feel inadequate.
• When I didn’t get off (which was most of the time) he would be angry at me if I wasn’t all “oh that was the greatest ever” right after sex.
• Didn’t want me to get anti-depressants when I became depressed. Was mad I hadn’t told him I was depressed, and said that the $4.00 a month for the prescription was too much money.
• Made a point that he had to be the one to pay the bills, had me take credit cards out in my name because his credit was bad. Now I am out on my own, and I am getting all the bills he apparently didn’t pay, and my credit is ruined, so he financially raped me.
• Complain I wasn’t tan enough.
• If my feet were cold, he’d get mad at me.
• If I wanted a new toothbrush, it was “too much money”.
• When I was in the hospital one time, I heard one of my consumers from the group home screaming, and I started crying, and his response was to say, “You can’t get attached to those people.” And I said, “How can you not?”
• Can’t wear clothes with cartoons on them, because they’re immature.
• Bought a car with our savings money post split – two days later.
• When I was moving out, Mike – a friend – broke my glass table top to the kitchen table on accident and had to end up getting 5 stitches. Husband told me that Mike needed to come back after the hospital visit to help clean up the glass.
• Tells me the animals are a waste of money. Tells me that he can “live without” the cats but on the other hand, he wants my cat Majel.
• Blaming me for the divorce; I asked him to go to counseling, he changed the locks on the apartment.
• Wouldn’t let me read romance novels because it was “cheating” but I was expected to be okay with him watching porn.
• Didn’t want me to have male friends, but it was okay for him to have female friends, which he hit on in front of my face.
• Wanted to get on disability instead of working on his health problems.
• Coat hangers had to be the cheapest WHITE coat hangers.
• Would say “Life isn’t worth living anymore” then deny it.
• Would try to get me not to do plays.
• Everytime I brushed my teeth, he would ask why I was doing that, and what I was trying to cover up. So I had to brush my teeth in secret.
• He would tell me, “Sometimes I really feel like hitting you.”
• “Sometimes I wonder why I’m married to you.” Alternating with “Marrying you was the best decision I ever made” depending on his “mood”.
• “I was better off single.”
• “I miss my ex wife, but my aim is getting better.”
• “If there’s grass on the playing field, they’re old enough to play with.”
• Constantly tells me that I don’t have enough common sense, and that I’m immature.
• Disguises insults as jokes.
• Tells me there’s something wrong with me because I love animals so much.
• Made a point to make me feel uncomfortable around his friends too, by not including me, or it was okay for them to be insulting as well, and he thought it was funny.
• When my cat Linus went out the second story window in a freak accident, instead of chasing with me after him and seeing if he was okay, was rolling on the couch, laughing, then was mad at me because I was crying and worried about him.
• Wanted me to get a third job so that way he could stay home and not work. When I had a third job, he complained that I didn’t do enough around the house, and I kept getting sick, so I quit that job, and then he complained before, after, during that I was not pulling enough of my weight.
• I started coming home later and leaving earlier so I didn’t have to see him and worry about what mood he was going to be in.
• He would scream and swear when watching sports, and pound on the walls so bad that it would scare me and the kids. But then he would be mad that I didn’t want to watch them with him. But if I tried to watch them with him he’d be mad if I talked at all.
• Couldn’t cook fish, because he hated the smell.
• Complain every time I cooked a meal with mushrooms in it for myself. He would have his own food that I would cook for him, and he’d complain that I should have left the mushrooms out of it in case he wanted some of it.
• Complain about me being on pet forums because it was useless, and made me too emotional.
• My dad never talked about the war he was in. One day he decided to open up to me, and I was soooo excited to hear his stories but had to leave early because I was scared because I was to pick up cold medicine for my husband, and I had to leave early rather than listen to his stories, out of fear of husband’s anger. Now I can never hear those stories again. My dad is gone.
• When we were watching shows on tv and they included abuse, he said, “Well I don’t know, maybe the woman deserved it.”
• Didn’t want me to lose weight. He would be incredibly insulting about that. When I did lose weight, he would say, “Where?” When I put on weight though, that wasn’t okay either. I weighed too much.
• When he had his surgeries, post-surgery I was expected to give him head.
• If I tried to give him a hand job – per his request – I never did it right, and he would act angry as he finished because I didn’t do it right.
• Complained that I wouldn’t lick his anus during sex. He would also be mad if I didn’t want him to play with mine or to lick it. Or if he DID do that, I didn’t want to kiss him safterwards.
• If he did perform oral sex, he made a point to kiss me directly afterwards and say, “You like the way a woman tastes, don’t you?”
• Would tape shows for me that he knew I liked, but he would never allow me to have time to watch them.
• Would expect to get a ride home from work when we had a car, but wouldn’t give me a ride.
• I had to be extremely quiet when I got up, so I didn’t wake him. But he never let me sleep in. He would make me feel guilty, that I was wasting my day when I should be doing things for him.
• There was one incidence when he actually tried to go after me, and I hit him with a mop in self defense. I bent the mop on his leg, and it broke open and was bleeding. He screamed at me that he would ruin me and that he would call the cops and destroy my family. Then when I called my parents to come get me, he pleaded with me to stay… for a little while things were okay after that.
• Was okay with his oldest brother screaming at me.
• When he “felt like hitting” me, sometimes he would go punch the wall.
• Would never dry my clothes all the way, so they would mold.
• Didn’t dry my comforter all the way through, put it in a plastic bag and put it in the basement so it molded very badly.
• “You don’t know how good you have it with me.”
• Not allowed to watch “snapped” because it reminded him of him being in jail the one time for drunk and disorderly – or so he says. He was drunk and pushed his girlfriend up against the wall, because she wanted to hug him after work and it was “too hot”, and he drank for a while. Another friend got scared and called the police, and he was the one who “had” to be arrested because they lived in Wisconsin and someone had to be arrested if the police were called.
• saying one thing and later assuring you he did not say it
• Always complain about “Women drivers”
• has no hobbies other than watching TV, and drinking (drinking he didn’t do as much but he would go out to camp to drink)
• would promise he wasn’t going to talk to his friend Scott anymore, but every new years he HAD to spend it with him because that was Scott’s birthday. Complain about spending time with Scott, then complain if he couldn’t.
• He drove in front of a semi one time when I followed him home one night from the bar. He said that he wasn’t drunk. Then he denied pulling in front of the semi.
• Said “I just like to get a rise out of you.”
• Said “You need to stick up for yourself more.” On the other hand, when I stood up for myself, he’d be angry.
• He could just “Shut off” his good feelings to me.
• Went over to my mom’s house and screamed at her until she wanted to call the cops on him because she had borrowed my car from me (with my permission) and it had broken down in Norway.
• He gets angry and frustrated if I’m not ready the instant HE is. My life is expected to run on HIS schedule. But then I’m expected to wait for him as long as it takes to get ready, whether we’ll be late or not.
• When we went to the bar, he would pressure me into not drinking because he said, “Well who’ll drive then? I don’t know if I can stop once I start.” Needless to say, we didn’t go to the bar very much together. Made me feel bad if I ever felt like drinking at home, either.
• When he WOULD apologize, he would still somehow make me feel like it was my fault and that he was not sincere.
• He has people he calls "friends" but he very rarely, (or *never* calls) them, goes out with them or does anything with them.. besides drinking or perhaps a superbowl party.
• When I was sick at his work Christmas party, he was more worried about me embarrassing him and making me look bad than if I was okay.
• Would stay out late with the boys drinking at the bar when it was his time for his daughter that weekend, and would be too tired to spend time with her so I would watch her.
• Scream at me if the blinds weren’t open for when he came home from work, because he needed sunlight.
• Open the blinds while I’m trying to sleep even though he knows I can’t sleep when it’s too bright.
• Forgets critical things that he has known for years.
• Brought me home strawberries because he said they were my favorite, when he KNEW that was his ex’s favorite, and that my favorite is watermelon.
• Is a completely different person in seconds. He could be screaming at me in the car, and then when we’re out in public, he’s that guy I met again, the nice jolly, funny guy I thought I was going to end up being with.
• Make me feel guilty about spending money on food. But then get mad at me if I wasn’t eating healthy enough, but then if I was eating healthy, get mad because I was trying to lose weight.
• He uses "bitch" as a term of endearment.
• He goes out of his way to be rude and condescending to clerks/waiters, etc., and gets a kick out of their discomfort.
• Sports/News/Weather trump whatever else is happening. And I’m selfish if I need to talk about finances, problems. Etc., because I’m messing with his programs.
• Told me I abandoned him because the day that I left him I wouldn’t go pick him up from work, and then the hospital because I was too emotionally distraught and scared to see him.
• I care more about my work, than I do about him. He especially would say this when he wasn’t working.
• Broke my framed “letter from Linus” (a letter a friend sent me) the night I left him.
• Can’t “find” the remainder of my stuff at the apartment.
• Threw out my bat house.
• If he didn’t like something I had, he would threaten to throw it out (stuffed animals, primarily, but also mail).
• Coerced me into subscribing to porn publications (like free dvd offers) because he thought by watching that sort of thing, we could grow closer together.
• Women who are ugly, deserved to be called that. On the other hand, I think every woman should be made to feel beautiful.
• Keeps saying that he should trade me in for a younger model.
• Told me if I didn’t come back the next day after I left that he would shut off my phone and he would call Northpointe – my job – and tell them about me.
• Wanted to take me to Sturgeon Bay because he loved that place so much. That’s the place where he lived with his girlfriend that he cheated on his last wife with. Why would this place appeal to me when he talked so much about how he wanted to go back there?
• Raped me with sex toys.
• When I was at the deepest thickest parts of grief, he asked me, “Well why don’t you kill yourself it you’re so sad?”
• Compared me constantly to his ex-wife, saying I lacked common sense just like her. The female who told her own daughter 3 months before she died that she didn’t want her to call her mom anymore.
• It was okay for him to go to camp and disappear for several days on end, but if I wanted to go spend time with my family, and maybe sleep over at a friend or family’s house, that was completely unacceptable.
• Get mad when I talked to people on the phone, especially my family and my best friends.

In other words, nothing I ever did was enough. I was not enough for him. Enough with being enough for him. Now to just get his voice out of my head...

[LadyHitchhiker]

To tell my story, I was with a male for 8.5 years. He was emotionally, verbally, sexually and financially abusive. I am finishing up my divorce papers tomorrow (YES!) and then I have the two month wait (the most dangerous time once it's served) until I have freedom at least from his last name, if not from having him out of my head, criticizing everything I do. It's significantly harder than I thought to get that voice out of your head, reprimanding and questioning everything you do or don't do.

I am DEEPLY proud of you. If I were in the U.P.; I'd be beside you at all times with my Louisville Slugger and my .380. I suspect I might be able to talk a bear brother into bringing his dear friend Кала́шников.

Thanks so much for the support. I wish you could be up here to back me up, too It would be nice for you to have a vacation from the ex-wife being around, as well...

[LadyHitchhiker]

Quote from me today:

"It takes two people to make a relationship to work, but it only takes one to make it fail."

This being in reference to my previous relationship with my husband.

It's not to say that two can't make it fail, but it only takes one. Like Tango, it takes two people to tango but it only takes one to mess it up.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Alright kids and kiddies... time for some edumucation... as I attain more notes from my boundary workshop classes, I will share them with you, and other homework I've done. If you feel like answering the questions for yourself, too, they may help you I hope they'll help you.

What are Boundaries?
Boundaries = Limits
Boundaries = And Imaginary Line I can't cross over or I won't feel right.
Boundaries = I am NOT YOU
My Boundaries tell me who I am
Boundaries and a sense of self go hand in hand.
Someone else's Boundaries tell me who they are.
A partner, no matter their age should be an equal.
Instead of calling them an asshole, we'll call it controlling
It steals self worth and self-esteem when we allow others or ourselves to cross our boundaries.

What can I do about that?
You can't force them to NOT cross our boundaries
"If you don't place nice, you can't play with me"; we have to learn that not everyone is worthy of our love and attention.
So basically we either
a.) accept their behavior
or
b.) walk away.
If they really want to change their behavior, they'll get help.

A Boundary violation is when a person trespasses on another persons' space/self. When one crosses a line and tries to control another's attitude/behavior/beliefs/way people dress/talk/ presence.

Three signs of a good relationship:
Do you feel happy most of the time?
Do I feel good about myself?
Does my partner always help me out?

Violations of boundaries can cross physical, relational, spiritual, sexual, or emotional limits of another.

In a relationship with power and control issues, the quicker you get attached, the more violent they will be.

We have natural instincts of what our boundaries are.

We need to see/accept people for who they are and not who we want them to be.

Remember: Narcissistic people love selfishly. They can love no other way. Mean people love meanly.

Take the time to make a short concise description of yourself. (I'll list my answers below as well for therapeutic, sharing, and teaching purposes)

1.) I am (things I do) a CREATIVE CARETAKER

2.) I am (attributes, faults)

Attributes:
Tend to have better relationships with pets than people. (my therapist says this is an attribute, not a fault, where originally I had it listed due to brainwashing)
Selfless
Grateful
Helpful
Kind
Silly
Supportive
Giving
Interesting
Creative
Smart
Sympathetic
Empathetic
Fiercely Loyal
Protective
Funny
Well-read
Jovial
Contagious smiles
Can keep things organized when there’s a system in place.
Thoughtful
Sharing
Caring
Enthusiastic
Devoted
Energetic
Punctual/Early
Patient
Great with Animals, People
Reachable
Accessible
Optimistic
Dedicated

Double-edged Swords:
When I love, I give all of myself
Over-think
Extremely loyal
Focus on the good instead of the bad
Not embarrassed easily

Faults:
Not always the best listener (I have a short attention span at times)
Money matters freak me out
Low physical self-esteem
Don’t always know who to talk to about stuff to
Over-sensitive
Try to make everyone happy
Doormat
Minimize problems
Overreact sometimes about little things
Put others almost always before myself
Don’t know how to deal with anger/jealousy/insecurity
Tell people too much
Don’t know how to protect myself
My health is the last to matter
Don’t always know what’s good for me
Don’t sleep well
Not great at coming up with organizational methods

3.) I am (relationships):
I am technically still a wife. Although I am a soon to be ex-wife. I am a daughter, mom, sister. I am a friend. A coworker.

4.) My best friend is: Sami.

5.) Things I like are: (do free thought, not in order of importance, or else you'll drive yourself insane)
My cats
My mom
My brother
Larry and Vicki – my adoptive parents
Jon
Gen
Diane
Julia
Sami
Baby ducks
The Beatles
Jimi Hendrix
Animals
Raccoons
Crows
Cardinals
Foxes
Horses
Inside jokes
Ireland
My wallet from Ireland
Trust
Honesty
Love
Books
Sam & Max
Trees
Gerbera Daisies
Fr. Mike Woempner
Boots
Red Shoes
Smell of fresh cut grass
Comfy pillows
God
Jesus
Fritos
Douglas Adams
Birds
Wind
Freedom
Colorful socks
Comfy clothes
www.thedarktower.org
www.petlovers.com
alpacas
Shopping carts
Stairs with carpet
Colorful pens
Stars
Lilies
www.facebook.com
Scott
Linda
Letti
John Blaze
Miranda Sparapani
Ann Aversano
Shebrie-Joy
Travis McGee
Boulder
Boscoe
Metro
Yellow vehicles
Pt cruisers
Volswagen bugs
Classic cars
q-tips
toilet paper
autumn
winter
the Library
Stephen King
Weird Al
Good dreams
Birch trees
Understanding
Emotional support
Possums – especially my niece Penelope
Turkeys
Fans
Stuffed animals
Laundry baskets
Moose
Tigers
Bunny dolls
New bras
Compliments
Converse High Tops
Lots of pillows
Romance
Dr. Seuss
Roald Dahl
Towels
Llamas/alpacas
sheep
toyota camrys (or is it toyota camries?)

6.) Things I like to do:
Helping others
Driving
Visiting the animal shelter
Watching birds make their nests
Complimenting others
Reading
Not getting too hot
Volunteer work
Fostering animals
Bottle-feeding/Hand-feeding animals
Being a mom
Being silly
Laughing
Being a wife
Going to the movies
Working
Singing
Dancing
Acting
Saving animals
Being there for a friend/family member
Cooking
Photography
Watching baseball, ice skating, rhythmic gymnastics, soccer, hockey
Putting s tars instead of dots above people’s names (in letters like I’s, j’s)
Using correct grammar, punctuation
Playing fetch/tug-of-war with cats/dogs
Making a difference
Hugs
Kisses
Snuggling
Sleeping well
When I see an older person who has wrinkles you can tell from laughing and smiling so much
Learning about different cultures
Remembering my deceased loved ones
Having clean, unwrinkled, unmolded clothes
Altar serving
Singing in the choir
Following the law
Talking on the phone
Buying toys for the kids
Snuggling with the kids
Swimming
Writing
Smiling
Listening to music (especially classic oldies)
Voting
Talking
Having good dreams
Knitting projects for other people
Making music videos
Having warm feet
Making others laugh

7.)
My favorite food is:
Hummus, pizza, mushrooms
Carrots
Watermelon
Egg Salad
French toast
Omeletees
Pizones
Grapes
pancakes
olives
cucumber sandwiches
macaroni and cheese
oscar meyer
cesar pasta salad
chicken salad
special K with pineapple chunks (vanilla almond kind)
a nice juicy medium rare cheeseburger
a great sub sandwich
Ice water with a straw
Chocolate
Pizza
Steak
Mint
Raisins (yogurt-covered ones too)

8.) My favorite Restaurant:
Fontana’s
Pizza Hut

9.) My favorite color is:
Green

10.) My favorite clothes are:
Colorful socks

11.) My favorite tv/movies are:
Star Trek
X-Files
Monty Python
Whose Line is it anyways?
Little Shop of Horrors
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Animal Planet
Syfy channel
Watching fashion shows, especially Project Runway
Earth 2
Invader Zim
Freakazoid
Animaniacs
Creedence Clearwater Revival

12.) Things/People I Hate
Boring
Selfish
No sense of humor
Don’t like animals (especially cats)
Don’t like music
Unsupportive
Insulting
Inflammatory
Abusive
People who don’t see the beauty in the world
People who think I’m fat/ugly/annoying
People who don’t like to laugh
People who only laugh at others and their misfortunes
People who are lazy
People who are too clean/dirty
People who worry too much about getting the latest material things
Shallow people
Superficiality
People who are easily angered
People who don’t take responsibility
People who go on about how ugly people are
Backstabbing
Cruelty
Self-absorption
Racism
Constant pessimism
People who won’t get help they need
Killers
Pedophiles
Rapists
People who don’t take care of their kids/animals

13.) I believe (spiritual belief)
I believe God is a God of love, a God of second chances. I believe he is everywhere and in everyone. If we only listen to our hearts we will hear his whisper and know how much he really loves us. His sense of humor is strange sometimes, but never deprecating. He is the constant Father and friend of all. He will always be there for us. He loves us unconditionally with perfect love and perfect trust. He is the Great Creator, infinitely creative, and forgiving.

14.) What I want in a man: (or if you want a woman, what do you want?)
MUST LOVE CATS
Emotionally supportive
Good sense of humor
Monogamy
Has a relationship with God
Respectful (especially to friends and family)
Passionate about music
Faithful
Proves love not just with words but with actions
Creativity
Appreciative
Safe
Responsible
Compassionate
Must have own interests as well as shared ones
Partnership not a dictatorship
Likes to talk
Communicates
Not convincing me to do things I’m uncomfortable with
Considerate
Loving
Giving
Makes me laugh
Likes to laugh
Devoted
A desire to improve, and grow if need be for him to be happy.
No violence.
Likes to make love.
Supportive.
Employed.
Has driver’s license.
Won’t isolate me.
Comforting.
Fun.
Silly.
Smart.
MUST think I’m beautiful.
Doesn’t stare and ogle at other women
Trusting
Has no problem with me having different interests
Will attend my performances
For better or worse
For richer and poorer
In sickness and in health
Patient
Kind
Giving
Not easily angered
Won’t abuse me
Reciprocal
Sharing
Caring
Makes me feel valued, beautiful, wanted, intelligent, funny
Won't abandon me when things are tough, or when they're good for that matter, either.
Makes an effort to spend time with me.

Back to boundaries:
Personal Healthy Boundaries define who I am in relationships to others. They are intended to help us have good relationships.
Boundaries tell us who we are, and helps to maintain our sanity in unpleasant relationships.
Emotional intelligence helps me to maintain sanity in unpleasant relationships.
It helps us let in what is good, and keep out is bad.
Our filtering system also helps us to let in what is good and keep out the bad.
Healthy boundaries show us what thoughts, behaviors, feelings we should have in a relationship.
Healthy boundaries help us to be better people.
Healthy boundaries free me to be who I am and who I want to be.
BECAUSE OF THE STRESS, A PERSON WHO IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IS STUCK IN FIGHT OR FLIGHT RESPONSE; THEREFORE THEY CANNOT THINK CLEARLY, AND THEREFORE CANNOT PROCESS THE TRAUMA THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH UNTIL THEY ARE OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

Why we need Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries
1.) help us to know what is appropriate to feel towards others.
2.) help us to remove walls of defenses
Help us to pro-act instead of react.
React is a thoughtless emotional response
Pro-act is a determined reaction from a firm sense of boundaries.
React means to respond without thought.
Pro-act is to react with a firm sense of boundaries.
3.) help free us to be who we are.
4.) Free us from control and manipulation of other people and that frees us to do what we want for ourselves and others.
IF SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF IS MAKING DECISIONS FOR YOU THAT YOU SHOULD BE MAKING FOR YOU, IT'S UNHEALTHY
5.) enable us to have healthy relationships
BAD BOUNDARIES TAKE OUR CHOICES AWAY
6.) Empower us to have intimacy in relationships
Intimacy happens when 2 whole healthy people are in touch with their feelings, thoughts an desires and share themselves with each other in a healthy, supportive manner.
They also told me, if a man is really interested in you, he will make it happen.
7.) Bring order into our lives
8.) Empower us to determine how we will be treated by others.
A SELFISH LOVER IS A SELFISH PERSON.
9.) Empower us to stand against manipulation
10.) Defines what we are and are not responsible for
11.) Empower us to say no and yes when we need to and to say yes when we want to
We need to say yes to good, and no to bad.
No is a powerful word. It's a complete sentence. It needs no explanation.

More homework:
1.) What excites you?
Animals
Writing
Ireland
Love
Singing
Acting
Caretaking
Sharing
Giving
Dancing

2.) I am responsible for:
Food/medical bills/shelter for my cats and I
clothing myself
personal hygiene
calling proper authorities for emergencies
following the law
universal precautions
being around others only when I'm healthy (so I don't get them sick) if I'm able to
fixing my credit that was ruined by my husband
my clients (while they are in my care)
my emotions and the fallout that may occur by not reacting properly
showing up to court for jury duty/subpoenas
Planning my trip to Ireland
Finding a publisher
taking care of my car
taking my meds
ensuring my clients receive their meds when it's my shift
loving myself
learning and enforcing my boundaries, and respecting others
learning how to deal with others crossing my boundaries
learning to say no
learning how to be anger in an effective and non-harmful way to myself (and hopefully those I love)
learning what I love and am good at
my relationship with God
finishing projects I start
going to work
keeping track of my schedule
my heart, soul, mind, body, mental health
keeping the litter boxes clean
loving those who are worthy
my security

3.) I am not responsible for:
world poverty
people/animals starving, not getting enough medical care
the 911 disaster
Hurricanes
other people breaking the laws
other people's reactions
my clients when they are not in my care
making others love me
people's opinions of my husband and me leaving him
my husband
Ebola
all the people/animals in the world (I'm not a super-hero)
fixing everything that's broken
saving the world
other people being poor at communication
other people trying to cross my boundaries
for my husband raping me and telling me to kill myself
asteroids
armageddon
Heaven
Hell
God's actions
other people's bad situations (unless I directly caused it)
deaths of those who I love - except in the case of euthanasia of pets
drug addicts
criminals
loving those who are unworthy



Getting more homework and notes tomorrow!!!!!!!!

[LadyHitchhiker]

Oooooooooooh great quote:

"May the depth of your crisis remind you of who you really are. May your pain bring you into the light of awareness. May our journey through it give you hope. And when you have made it through the storm, may you feel peace and great joy."

[LadyHitchhiker]

I too must tell a tale of abuse. Physical...yes a woman can hurt a man. Those large "party-type" ashtrays made of thick glass hurt when they hit your head...words hurt too. Words and phrases and secrets only she knows and she was the confidant. Actions hurt too. No need to go into the actions she performed. You likely heard or can guess.

The pain of 22 years of this...sickness, ran far deeper than I ever dreamed. I thought that when one got a divorce, the divorce fairy soon visited and took all the hurt, anger, mistrust and bitterness away.

I really hope you can find the strength to tell more of your story, Jon. It will help.

And a quote that I think will help you:

"Don't you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are." ~Jo Blackwell-Preston

I know you are great.

"I wish I could show you, When you are lonely or in darkness, The astonishing light of your own being." ~Hafiz

[LadyHitchhiker]

Yeah, I know I've been slacking, but I've been busy and the computer was hacked... so here's some more notes:

More about Healthy Boundaries:
Person with healthy boundaries are secure within themselves
healthy boundaries means I'm comfortable / not threatened by your different opinion or you having one.
Clear sense of own views, values, priorities.
If we don't have clear boundaries, we're going to stay around people badly.
Able to discern safe/appropriate people with whom to disclose things about ourselves.
Means I have confidence in my self and I will be affected only a little by the mean things others say/do to me.
Healthy boundaries can protect myself without imprisoning myself.
IT MEANS I CAN SAFELY MOVE IN AND OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS.
Healthy boundaries teach me to assert myself at appropriate times in order to get out of the victim role.

Without assertion, we go straight from victim to aggression.
If we go from victim to assertion, then instead, we will go to self-defense.

In order to be assertive, requires me to set boundaries.
healthy boundaries mean I am able to enter into relationships with others WITHOUT losing myself. I don't have fear and will not of losing my own identity.

I AM NOT YOU AND YOU ARE NOT ME.

Codependents are so preoccupied with others that they sacrifice their own values, wants, needs.

Models of Unhealthy Boundaries
Functional boundaries violation;
When we fail to perform our functions we violate boundaries of others/ourselves.
Relational Boundaries:
Ability to speak truth to others with whom we are in a relationship. Otherwise it's a violation.

Our relationships are either healthy, nourishing and functional or they are unhealthy, poisonous, toxic, and dysfunctional. If it is the latter, they are poisonous parasites.

Boundaries that are too close: where we meet somebody and give them every single detail of ourselves
Boundaries that are too distant: if we have too distant boundaries we don't allow people into our lives for what is needful and appropriate.

A person has boundary issues if they are a person that neglects those for who they have responsibility towards.

if your life is harder with them, it's not a healthy relationship.

It will be easier for both of you if it's a healthy relationship.

Boundaries that are too flexible:
means having a partner who calls you a "fucking bitch" and you can accept it and make excuses for it.

You should only tell a person ONCE "I find this unacceptable."
We are allowing things to happen to us without trying to change it, if we do not leave after this point.

Boundaries that are too permeable: where we do not have strong boundaries. We allow people to penetrate our lives and space more than is appropriate. They violate our emotional, physical, spiritual boundaries.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KISS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO KISS. DOESN'T MATTER WHAT AGE YOU ARE.

Forgiving someone is not letting them get close enough to hurt you again. It is not condoning the behavior. But it is accepting it, and moving on.

Types of People with Boundary issues
When we stay around someone who violates our boundaries, it causes a boundary issue.

There are different levels of violence.
There are different levels of power and control.

Compliant person
If you don't leave someone who violates your boundaries, you are compliant.
Complaints say yes to the bad even if it's by action.

Children suffer serious consequences if they're not allowed to say no. This creates boundaries. Allow them to say no to things that make them really uncomfortable. Also to respect no from others. We are accidentally training/programming children to allow others to control, manipulate, and exploit them in their adult life.

A compliant type has boundaries that are too flexible. Anyone can push through their boundaries and violate them.

Characteristics of a compliant person (see if any of these sound familiar to you)

• We live to meet the needs of others.
• Is is not the same as meeting the LEGITIMATE needs of others.
• Compliants enmesh easily with more dominant/opinionated persons. They set too few boundaries. They can't say no because they don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
• They fear being punished, shamed and accused of being selfish, bad or unspiritual.
• Passive-aggressive: poke too many times and we explode.
• Guild and self-condemnation:
• because we condemn ourselves for every little thing
• we stay and are used on the outside by a mean person and we become resentful on the inside.
• When you're passive aggressive, you save up everything everyone's done bad to you and say "one more thing" and then we explode, across our boundaries, and then we apologize, accept it, and go back to victim mode.
• If we're compliant, we need to learn to think differently about ourselves and how to relate to others.
• We can feel the pain of another person and that's okay, but we should not give him $100, move him into our spare room and take care of them for the 90 days or 90 years.
• We can be compassionate on the inside and not be manipulated by others.
• We change things in our lives to accomodate others.

CONTROLLERS

• Identified as a boundary issue.
• They are people who have problems respecting the boundaries of others.
• Resist taking responsibility for their own lives, therefore they control others.
• Can say no, can't hear no.
• Refuse to take no for an answer.
• To them, maybe = yes, no = maybe.
• Non-negotiators.
• Cannot accept need of others even if they manage to hear what they are
• they think it's their job to manage the others in their lives
• manipulate others because of hidden agenda
• shift responsibilities

[LadyHitchhiker]

Alright, quiz time:

Do you say YES to things you should say NO to?

Do you allow others to control, manipulate, and exploit you?

Do you live to meet the needs of others?

Do you tend to like the same things as others just to get along?

Do you change your "colors" - attitudes, opinions, and behavior - depending on who you are with?

Do you take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries out of fear of what others might think of you?

Are you afraid of hurting other people's feelings if you say NO to them?

Do you fear abandonment, rejection, and separateness?

Do you wish to be totally dependent on the other person?

Do you fear the anger of the other person?

Do you fear being punished, shamed, and accused of being selfish, bad or unspiritual?

Do you fear the over-strict and critical conscience of another person?

Do you store up resentments until you explode, then feel guilty for exploding?

If you answered YES to 3 or more of these questions, you are probably and over-the-line compliant type person.

What are some BADS to which you need to say NO?



Do you say no to things you should say yes to?

Is it hard for you to ask for help from others when you really need it?

Do you avoid getting involved with others?

Do you avoid getting involved in events and activities?

Do you have a hard time knowing what your needs really are?

Do you think your problems are bad, destructive and shameful?

Do you withdraw and isolate from others when you are in need?

Is it hard for you to let others in to your life?

If you answered YES to 3 or more of these questions, you are probably an over-the-line avoidant type person.

What are some GOOD things to which you can say YES?


Do you often say YES to things you should say NO to and NO to things you should say YES to?

Are you too open to do for others all the time, but unable to allow others to do for you?

Do you have people in your life who shouldn't be there?

Are you confused about your relationships?

Do you keep people at bay who are supposed to be close to you?

Do you experience a lot of loneliness?

Do you tend to isolate from others, especially those who could nurture you?

Do you feel empty and drained because you are always giving but never receiving?

Do you attract people into your life who use you?

Do you experience being too flexible at times only to find out that you brought injury to yourself, then reversed the process and become too rigid?

If you answered YES to three or more of these questions, you are probably an over-the-line compliant avoidant type person.



Do you have problems respecting other people's boundaries?

Do you resist taking responsibility for your own life and business?

Do you try to control and manipulate other people's lives and business?

Do you refuse to take NO for an answer?

Do you finish other people's sentences and thoughts for them?

Do you try to talk people out of their feelings, opinions, and preferences?

Aggressive Controller
Are you verbally abusive?

Are you physically abusive?

Manipulative Controller
Are you argumentative?

Do you try to con or guilt-provoke other people into doing or not doing things to suit you?

Do you do for others so they will do for you?

Do you think people ought to know about your needs without your having to tell them what they are?

Do you have rigid rules of self-control?

Do other people say any of the above things about you?

If you answered YES to 3 or more of these questions, you are probably an over-the-line controller type person.
If you answered YES to either of the 2 questions under AGGRESSIVE controller, you ARE one. If you answered YES to 2 or more of the questions under MANIPULATIVE controller, you are one. If you answered in both, you are most likely both.

What measures can you take to be less controlling?



Is it difficult for you to connect to the needs and feelings of others?

Is it hard for you to reach out with love for others, including the closest members of your family?

Are you critical toward the needs of others?

Are you absorbed in your own desires and needs to the point that you don't have room in your life for others?

If you answered YES to 3 or more of these questions, you are probably an over-the-line non-responsive type person.

What measures can you take to be more responsive?




Do you look to other people to take care of you and your problems who won't complain?

Do you hate it that you have so many problems?

Do you hide your needs from others?

Do you get angry inside of yourself when people don't take care of your business for you as you think they should?

Do you then manipulate them even harder to take care of you?

If you answered YES to 3 or more of these questions, you are probably an over-the-line avoidant type person, and a controlling non-responsive person.


Do you see yourself as a combination of these types?

[Jon]

Wow...3...Lol
Guilty on the top one..yes to 7

[Jean]

it's interesting how being afraid of hurting people's feelings can turn one into "over-the-line compliant avoidant" and what not type. Very modern-psychology stuff. Sorry Liz, I love you, but I don't buy any of this.

[LadyHitchhiker]

I worry about hurting other people's feelings too... Perhaps this will all make more sense with more workshops...

I do one thing for sure. I never did anything mean enough to anyone to deserve the cruelty I encountered in my marriage. So, it makes it hard for me to understand karma...

[Jean]

there's no karma, Liz. There are people and people, and each of them is individual, never to be judged by a set of features. A good person may fall upon a bad person, and it's only very good that you made your choice now when you are still young. I don't know - I think if you try to formalize your soul and your relationship using guidelines provided by people who have no idea of what kind of person you really are, you'll fall into a worse trap. I'd much rather you listened to your heart.

[LadyHitchhiker]

I'm conflicted. I listened to my heart and ended up with my husband. I'm just trying to be open to other ideas. Doesn't mean I'm going to buy into anything... I'm waiting for something to feel right.. Besides where I am right now. I feel good being home with my mom and my brother and the babies... I feel good at my jobs... but now the walls are starting to dissolve that have been in my mind, heart, and soul for a long time. I'm starting to actually live through some of the bad times, and being able to have the emotions that I wasn't allowed to have before. The good, the bad, the conflicted... it's nice to have my own full emotions for the first time in a long time. Even if I don't always know what they mean or don't tell me where I'm going to be. And I feel more at peace than I have in a long time, even with all these overpowering emotions. At least they're MINE. The numbness I didn't even know was there is starting to fade, and it's nice to experience life.