Chuck Norris or Vin Deisel?

[razz]

i put this in Fedic because it's about actors (if i'm wrong, sue me)

i was wonderign if thsi would be merged, which i hope it won't. i was told that it would take over the entire "beat my joke" thread. Maybe Si, maybe No.

[razz]

CHUCK NORRIS


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

[razz]

VIN DEISEL





Anselm once described Vin Diesel as 'the thought than which nothing greater can be thought".
Rennée Descartres philosophised that just as a mountain must have a valley and a triangle must have 180 degrees, Vin Diesel must have awesomeness and kick-ass moves
Richard Swinburne reasoned that the appearance of the word 'sweeeet' in the universe is evidence of Vin Diesel's existence
Jean-Paul Sartre defined the three emotional consequences of freedom as anguish, abandonment, and Vin Diesel
Hilary Putnam said we might well just be brains in vats being fed information by Vin Diesel
When God said, "Let there be light," Vin Diesel flipped the switch.




http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/thumb/5/5e/Monaliesel.jpg/200px-Monaliesel.jpg (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Image:Monaliesel.jpg) http://images.wikia.com/common/releases_200808.2/skins/common/images/magnify-clip.png (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Image:Monaliesel.jpg)
Monaliesel, the ultimate creature of youth.




After the scientist invented the time-travel machine, Vin Diesel goes back in time and fused with Monalisa... Making an ultimate creature: MONALIESEL!



Vin Diesel single handedly brought Taco Bell back to glory by suggesting they make soft tacos the way he does, with 100% ground beef, refried beans, and garnished with the eyes and testicles of his enemies.



Due to common misconception, Vin actually runs on unleaded.



Vin Diesel can solve the rubix cube in one move.



Vin Diesel once ate lego blocks and crapped out the first Transformer toy.



Vin Diesel performed intercourse with Mt. St. Helens in 1941. After retracting his burnt genitals, he constructed a steel cast to protect his pecker from further damage. We know this cast today as the Eiffel Tower. Countrary to popular belief, Mt. St. Helens actually erupted Vin Diesel's semen, which is red in color and up to 500 degrees farenheit.



Star Wars is what happens in Vin Diesel's anatomy.



Vin Diesel once made a go-kart that ran on the hopes and dreams of orphans.

It goes fast.

Really fast.







When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.



Vin Diesel can use Hyper Beam without having to wait a turn to recharge afterward.



Vin Diesel uses midgets as currency, skyscrapers as toothpicks, and wipes his ass with any logs, stones, or babies that are in the area at the time.



Vin Diesel can be used under certain conditions as a table.

That condition is commonly known as "suicidal"





Vin Diesel is also a popular cocktail made from equal parts French wine and motor oil. It is known for its rich, full bouquet and has an SAE grade of 50. Vin actually means wine in Danish (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Danish) and other Scandinavian (http://uncyclopedia.org/index.php?title=Scandinavia&action=edit) languages, so you might say that Vin Diesel's parents did the impossible: They mixed wine and diesel, which is, as many people know, polar and non polar mixed, which should be impossible. But Vin Diesel begs to differ.



"F### you" were the last words he speaks after swimming the entire English Chanel.



Vin Disel has huge muscles in his gluteus maxiums they are hard as steel!!!!! He killed 12 iraqis with his butt.....because I'm completely and utterly retarted!!!!!.....



A 15 minute guitar battle between Diesel's character and Adolf Hitler (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler) (which Diesel easily won) was cut before the final release of Saving Private Ryan.



Vin Diesel invented black, in fact he invented every color of the rainbow except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.



Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock, the sun uses Vinblock.



There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.



Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.



If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.



If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."



In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.



Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.



Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.



Vin Diesel can set the sun on fire by channeling the power of ants through a magnifying glass.



Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.



Vin Diesel's morning breath is widely regarded cross-culturally as a weapon of mass destruction.



The mere mention of Vin Diesel's name has been known to bring Ultimate Warrior to tears.



Vin Diesel invented the Tootsie Pop. Consequently, the number of licks to get to the center is equal to his social security number. If this exact number of licks is achieved, you will be granted eternal life. This is why Bob Barker is still alive and on television.



Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".



Vin Diesel nearly made it to the final table of the 1988 World Series of Poker. Which may not sound like much, but was impressive considering he thought they were playing Go Fish.



Vin Deisel has never in his life, worn sleeves



That's no moon; that's Vin Diesel.



Vin Diesel's wife uses Vin Diesel as a rowing machine.



Vin Diesel isn't afraid of the dark- the dark is afraid of Vin Diesel



There is no Hubble Space Telescope, only Vin Diesel.



Vin Diesel sweats Vaseline



We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear has nothing to fear but Vin Diesel



Vin Diesel put the 'p' in raspberry, just to show that he could.



Vin Diesel once won a game of monopoly while in jail.

[razz]

so now that that's out of the way, Who is better? Chuck Norris? Vin Deisel? or some other guy? (wimp)
oh, and also feel free to post actual facts about them, or news.

[Odetta]

Chuck Norris is tougher, but I'd much rather have sex with Vin :drool:

[bangoskank1]

Let's not forget Chuck Zito..who i personally know...and will kick anybodys ass you can come up with....that's right, I went there.

[B Rag]

Chuck Norris, without a doubt!

A few of my female friends seem to be very attracted to Vin Diesel... I don't see it, personally.

[The Lady of Shadows]

gotta go with alex on this one razzle dazzle. come spend some time in the castle with us instead of wasting your precious mind on these two "actors". :lol:


eeeeew i feel dirty just saying it. :panic:

[B Rag]

I think I see what you're saying; Chuck Norris isn't an actor, because he didn't pretend to be Walker. Walker was pretending to be played by Chuck Norris.

Is that it?

[The Lady of Shadows]

:lol:


no!

[LadyHitchhiker]

Vin Diesel gets my vote because Chuck Norris always annoyed me... Just a personal preference..

[B Rag]

Bruce Willis could beat up Vin Diesel.

[Woofer]

Bruce Campbell

[Bluenose]

you know that even asking this question is asking to get your ass kicked....

[Woofer]

Yeah. By Bruce Campbell.