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Randall Flagg
05-10-2007, 08:33 AM
Found this on the net.

Dear Mr. Stephen King,

You do not know me, but I am writing about your book Dreamcatcher. It is a good book, but I think it could be made much better. I am not a professional writer, but I have taken alot (that’s two words, right?) of writing in college. It was mostly in Spanish and C++ but I still know how to write. I am sure I know your book better than you do because you have written many books since 2001, but I just read your book so you should listen to me and do what I suggest. I am writing this letter to help you make better books. I have read lots of scary books so I am a master at knowing all about scary books and you could obviously learn a lot from me, so read carefully what I tell you in this letter.
First, what is with the retard kid? Nobody likes retards so you should take him out of the story. Instead you should have a ninja, or maybe a pirate. Everyone likes ninjas and pirates, they are very popular. All my friends agree that ninjas and pirates are cool but nobody likes retards. You should also change the name because pirates and ninjas don’t have names like “Duddits”. I think a story about pirates and ninjas and aliens and maybe cowboys would be so cool and everyone would buy it. You would probably sell about a billion more books if you took just this one idea.
And what is with the other guys? They are not cool at all. They are like the loser friends I had from college. They have no cool super powers and they kind of suck. I think they should be changed, too. Maybe they could be cowboys, because cowboys are also cool like ninjas and pirates and aliens, but Duddits should be special and the rest of them shouldn’t be like him. I know it is important to the story that Duddits be special.
And what is with the dreamcatcher? In the movie it was hanging from the ceiling and it did nothing when the people were being attacked by the orange stuff. Dreamcatchers are magical items that help protect you from bad things at night and that dreamcatcher didn’t do anything. I think the dreamcatcher should be magical. Maybe a ninja “Duddits” (with a new name like “Duddits-san” because ninjas aren’t named like that) could use it as a magical throwing star that would go out and come back to his hand after it was thrown. He could attack the enemies like that and be much cooler. Maybe it creates bullets for the cowboy friends’ six-shooters, which are cowboy guns.
I also think the army guys are not very cool, either. They seem very uneffective (ineffective? Can’t expect me to catch every mistake!) and I think the military is cool. They should have been more like Rambo, with guns blazing and taking out bad guys! Make more of the aliens so that the army guys have something to attack. Also, it is so obvious that you ripped off that colonel guy from another story. God, why can’t you writers be original for a change? It isn’t hard to write about something that has never been written about before. I am sure it is not. Also, would a colonel be in charge of an army group like that? I do not think so, and since I pay you money I expect you to catch every mistake like that. If you do not, you are obviously a lazy writer that can’t write and you should let me have more control over your stories so that you don’t make so many stupid mistakes or nobody should buy your book and you should be poor.
I also think you suck as a writer. I read one of your other books and it was about baseball. All you talked about was about the Red Sox and how they played the game in only one year. It had a stupid name like “Faithful” which I thought was going to be like the book Misery which also has one word for a title and is a feeling but it wasn’t like Misery at all! It was very boring because I don’t like baseball, and it wasn’t scary at all. You obviously do not know how to write scary books at all and you should let me write them instead. I have a lot of great ideas that I can share, and I know a lot about scary books because I read a lot of them and obviously that makes me an expert at writing them as well. I do not require much to share these ideas, you just have to tell everyone that I am your best friend and so smart, and put my name on the front cover of the book.
You are also too greedy. I think your older books should be like free because they are old and we all know old things are not as good as new things. I would pay full price for a new Harlequin romance novel even though I do not like romance novels because it is new and new things are worth more. I think you should ship me a hard cover edition of Carrie and Christine and a lot of your older books. Why do you charge so much for your older books when they do not cost you anything to write them anymore! You have finished writing them and therefore they should be free. And don’t give me a cheap paperback, either, I want a nice hardcover and I want you to sign, but don’t personalize it because that lowers the eBay value. Please send me like a dozen of the older books for free for my personal collection. I have spent a lot of time reading these books so I think I should own them.
In closing, let me say that you should listen to me because I am your paying customer. I have purchased a number of scary books that you have written, and I have given you a lot of money. I have also spent a lot of time reading your books, and I think that I have invested so much time reading Dreamcatcher that I probably own the story. I photocopied the book and sold the original version because of this strong feeling of ownership. I think this is fair because I feel that I own the book and as we know the old saying goes, “feeling is 9/10ths of the law”. In case you are not as cool as I thought you were I can say that I just sold the book and that I could have memorized the story, so the photocopy is not illegal. I just sold the book, not my memory of the book, which is totally legal under copyright law as I read about it on Slashdot.
Remember, listen to me because I am a paying customer. I have invested so much into reading your books and I have invested so much time that I think I am part owner for your books and I should have a say in how you write and sell books. I am so much smarter than you are and I write so much better so you should listen to me or you suck and I will go post about it on every internet forum I know of.
Your friend, Brian.
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://static.flickr.com/30/57097054_9c8598d355_m.jpg&imgrefurl=http://eladhari.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_archive.html&h=180&w=240&sz=20&hl=en&start=7&um=1&tbnid=2nHhtksCkRvi3M:&tbnh=83&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dwierd%2Bstephen%2Bking%2Bitems%26svnu m%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

Brice
05-10-2007, 08:36 AM
:rofl: I think I've seen that before but, it's hilarious.

Odetta
05-10-2007, 12:50 PM
I like how it's signed... "Your Friend" - WTF? Who signs a letter like that "your friend"?

Matt
05-10-2007, 12:53 PM
Sounds like classic Annie W. to me. :lol:

fernandito
05-10-2007, 01:33 PM
Did a 5 year old write that?

Patrick
05-13-2007, 09:11 PM
...Why do you charge so much for your older books when they do not cost you anything to write them anymore!...
:rofl:

Brian is hilarious.

ManOfWesternesse
05-17-2007, 06:21 AM
I know it's signed "Brian" on the end..... but honest to God folks, it wasn't me!:nope:

BigCoffinHunter
05-20-2007, 05:32 AM
I want a nice hardcover and I want you to sign, but don’t personalize it because that lowers the eBay value.

Hahahaha, that is so awesome.

Jimmy
05-21-2007, 09:55 PM
That was great!

MaraJShakespeare
09-28-2007, 10:02 PM
Is this real? If so, how did someone that thunderously stupid learn to write even that well? Or was the original done in crayon and transcribed by someone marginally less moronic? Although it was clever for President Bush to come up with the pen-name 'Brian,' I must say. . .

alinda
09-29-2007, 05:40 AM
:orely: :rofl:what an ass!

Brice
09-29-2007, 05:49 AM
Found this on the net.

Dear Mr. Stephen King,

You do not know me, but I am writing about your book Dreamcatcher. It is a good book, but I think it could be made much better. I am not a professional writer, but I have taken alot (that’s two words, right?) of writing in college. It was mostly in Spanish and C++ but I still know how to write. I am sure I know your book better than you do because you have written many books since 2001, but I just read your book so you should listen to me and do what I suggest. I am writing this letter to help you make better books. I have read lots of scary books so I am a master at knowing all about scary books and you could obviously learn a lot from me, so read carefully what I tell you in this letter.
First, what is with the retard kid? Nobody likes retards so you should take him out of the story. Instead you should have a ninja, or maybe a pirate. Everyone likes ninjas and pirates, they are very popular. All my friends agree that ninjas and pirates are cool but nobody likes retards. You should also change the name because pirates and ninjas don’t have names like “Duddits”. I think a story about pirates and ninjas and aliens and maybe cowboys would be so cool and everyone would buy it. You would probably sell about a billion more books if you took just this one idea.
And what is with the other guys? They are not cool at all. They are like the loser friends I had from college. They have no cool super powers and they kind of suck. I think they should be changed, too. Maybe they could be cowboys, because cowboys are also cool like ninjas and pirates and aliens, but Duddits should be special and the rest of them shouldn’t be like him. I know it is important to the story that Duddits be special.
And what is with the dreamcatcher? In the movie it was hanging from the ceiling and it did nothing when the people were being attacked by the orange stuff. Dreamcatchers are magical items that help protect you from bad things at night and that dreamcatcher didn’t do anything. I think the dreamcatcher should be magical. Maybe a ninja “Duddits” (with a new name like “Duddits-san” because ninjas aren’t named like that) could use it as a magical throwing star that would go out and come back to his hand after it was thrown. He could attack the enemies like that and be much cooler. Maybe it creates bullets for the cowboy friends’ six-shooters, which are cowboy guns.
I also think the army guys are not very cool, either. They seem very uneffective (ineffective? Can’t expect me to catch every mistake!) and I think the military is cool. They should have been more like Rambo, with guns blazing and taking out bad guys! Make more of the aliens so that the army guys have something to attack. Also, it is so obvious that you ripped off that colonel guy from another story. God, why can’t you writers be original for a change? It isn’t hard to write about something that has never been written about before. I am sure it is not. Also, would a colonel be in charge of an army group like that? I do not think so, and since I pay you money I expect you to catch every mistake like that. If you do not, you are obviously a lazy writer that can’t write and you should let me have more control over your stories so that you don’t make so many stupid mistakes or nobody should buy your book and you should be poor.
I also think you suck as a writer. I read one of your other books and it was about baseball. All you talked about was about the Red Sox and how they played the game in only one year. It had a stupid name like “Faithful” which I thought was going to be like the book Misery which also has one word for a title and is a feeling but it wasn’t like Misery at all! It was very boring because I don’t like baseball, and it wasn’t scary at all. You obviously do not know how to write scary books at all and you should let me write them instead. I have a lot of great ideas that I can share, and I know a lot about scary books because I read a lot of them and obviously that makes me an expert at writing them as well. I do not require much to share these ideas, you just have to tell everyone that I am your best friend and so smart, and put my name on the front cover of the book.
You are also too greedy. I think your older books should be like free because they are old and we all know old things are not as good as new things. I would pay full price for a new Harlequin romance novel even though I do not like romance novels because it is new and new things are worth more. I think you should ship me a hard cover edition of Carrie and Christine and a lot of your older books. Why do you charge so much for your older books when they do not cost you anything to write them anymore! You have finished writing them and therefore they should be free. And don’t give me a cheap paperback, either, I want a nice hardcover and I want you to sign, but don’t personalize it because that lowers the eBay value. Please send me like a dozen of the older books for free for my personal collection. I have spent a lot of time reading these books so I think I should own them.
In closing, let me say that you should listen to me because I am your paying customer. I have purchased a number of scary books that you have written, and I have given you a lot of money. I have also spent a lot of time reading your books, and I think that I have invested so much time reading Dreamcatcher that I probably own the story. I photocopied the book and sold the original version because of this strong feeling of ownership. I think this is fair because I feel that I own the book and as we know the old saying goes, “feeling is 9/10ths of the law”. In case you are not as cool as I thought you were I can say that I just sold the book and that I could have memorized the story, so the photocopy is not illegal. I just sold the book, not my memory of the book, which is totally legal under copyright law as I read about it on Slashdot.
Remember, listen to me because I am a paying customer. I have invested so much into reading your books and I have invested so much time that I think I am part owner for your books and I should have a say in how you write and sell books. I am so much smarter than you are and I write so much better so you should listen to me or you suck and I will go post about it on every internet forum I know of.
Your friend, Brian.
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://static.flickr.com/30/57097054_9c8598d355_m.jpg&imgrefurl=http://eladhari.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_archive.html&h=180&w=240&sz=20&hl=en&start=7&um=1&tbnid=2nHhtksCkRvi3M:&tbnh=83&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dwierd%2Bstephen%2Bking%2Bitems%26svnu m%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN


After this letter can it be a surprise that King isn't exactly eager to interact with fans? :lol: This dude makes Annie Wilkes seem almost sane.

Darkthoughts
09-29-2007, 07:31 AM
It was funny, but I think someone did it as a prank.

alinda
09-29-2007, 07:54 AM
:doh: I just opened the link attached , it seems like it was an assignment for
a lecture, or something.

Randall Flagg
09-29-2007, 08:25 AM
It was meant as a joke. The person writes very well-it's not easy to write like an idiot.

Storyslinger
10-01-2007, 07:34 AM
it is pretty funny

Patrick
10-02-2007, 04:47 PM
It was meant as a joke. The person writes very well-it's not easy to write like an idiot.
Exactly.

MaraJShakespeare
10-02-2007, 07:36 PM
I still think it's perfectly sincere, and that the author is George W. Bush.

Matt
10-03-2007, 06:28 AM
:lol:

Rough!!

Storyslinger
10-03-2007, 06:56 AM
:orely:

April'sFool
10-07-2007, 08:39 AM
Now THAT is how you do satire. "Feeling is 9/10ths of the law"? Brilliant!

Adumbros
09-13-2008, 06:56 AM
ya know...i'm sorely tempted...i mean sorely...to dissect this useless bunch of drivel bit by bit...but it would take too long. altho brice has a point. that last remark of his is precisely why, if i manage to pick up a publisher, i'm using a pseudonym. damned if i'm gonna deal with loonies and moochers.

alinda
09-13-2008, 08:33 AM
Bro, it was a assignment for the guys class at school.:P

Adumbros
09-13-2008, 08:37 AM
I can't buy that. I've taken creative writing courses, and none of them have dealt with the art of inanity.

alinda
09-13-2008, 08:40 AM
seriously , click link in the first post. :)

Adumbros
09-13-2008, 08:43 AM
yeah, still unconvincing.

jayson
09-13-2008, 08:52 AM
Reads like great satire to me. Had "Brian" actually been a moron of this calibre, I doubt he'd be referencing C++ (or had taken a class in it).

"... I have taken alot (that’s two words, right?) of writing in college. It was mostly in Spanish and C++"

I thought that was the funniest of the many obvious jokes in the piece.

Adumbros
09-17-2008, 10:25 AM
i could believe "satire", but class assignment? no. as i've probably stated previously, i've indulged myself in several creative writing/composition courses, even one that taught (rather pathetically, IMHAHO) how to write a novel, and although perhaps a HS basic English teacher might have assigned such a concept, a college or postgrad professor would most assuredly not.

...not to say that the professor wouldn't assign "satire" as a homework subject; saying rather that he wouldn't assign/accept such complete mockery of the writing process, and grammar in general; viewing it as poor taste (which it really would be, in that contex).

Rjeso
09-17-2008, 12:03 PM
Reads like great satire to me. Had "Brian" actually been a moron of this calibre, I doubt he'd be referencing C++ (or had taken a class in it).

"... I have taken alot (that’s two words, right?) of writing in college. It was mostly in Spanish and C++"

I thought that was the funniest of the many obvious jokes in the piece.

Same here. Pretty sure that was my favorite bit, though there were a few good ones to choose from...

Adumbros
09-17-2008, 12:09 PM
you know the dumbest part of this? say the rant had been written and posted by a site member, we probably wouldn't even be talking about it all, except to be ranking him to the dogs and back.

Ves'Ka Gan
09-17-2008, 12:15 PM
Ah, I think it's pretty obviously a joke. If the person were serious it would be one thing or the other--they'd either want a bunch of free stuff, OR they'd want to tell him what an "awful" writer he was.

I think its entertaining.

And, I think it is quite possible it could have been a class assignment--no one's claiming the guy got an A on it!

Adumbros
09-17-2008, 12:27 PM
no way on the class assignment...NO SERIOUS PROFESSOR would assign it. AT ALL. it ain't gonna happen. not for ANY grade. satire, yes. mockery, no. a piece of shit like this would've gotten not only an F, but, by any SERIOUS PROFESSOR, quite likely a zero grade for the entire semester.

The Lady of Shadows
09-30-2008, 09:48 PM
i think it's funny as hell. especially how his reason for king to listen to him is that king writes so much but brian has just read the book so it's fresh in his mind.


'fess up MOW - it was you wasn't it. :)

or maybe it was GWB. :lol:

BROWNINGS CHILDE
10-06-2008, 02:49 AM
BRIAN.....BRAIN.......HMMMMMM....PSUEDONYM?

I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, AND OBVIOUSLY A JOKE.

BECAUSE PIRATES AND NINJAS AND COWBOYS ARE COOL. HAHAHAHAHAH

Brainslinger
10-07-2008, 08:51 AM
no way on the class assignment...NO SERIOUS PROFESSOR would assign it. AT ALL. it ain't gonna happen. not for ANY grade. satire, yes. mockery, no. a piece of shit like this would've gotten not only an F, but, by any SERIOUS PROFESSOR, quite likely a zero grade for the entire semester.

If it's mockery, I don't think it's of King, but people who think to criticize his work.

He says he want more pirates, cowboys and ninjas. Obviously it's very much toungue in cheek.

I wonder if he's read the Dark Tower books? We've got cowboys here and my mental image of Gasher was a pirate. We don't have any ninjas as such, but light-saber wielding entities... Hee, hee.

BillyxRansom
01-07-2009, 07:53 AM
After reading the posts here, I was expecting an uproar of laughter coming from me.


I give it a C- and that's for the effort and time it took to write this.

Elfwitch
08-11-2010, 04:19 PM
I had to wait several minutes to begin typing this reaction as I was laughing so hard I was crying. Ooooh, that was refreshing. I thought youtube had all the funny stuff. Either this was from a 7 year old sneaking on his parents' computer or we really need to kick up education a few notches in this hemisphere. What college could produce such a moron? I have not laughed so hard in a while, so I am grateful for such people once in a while. Hopefully he isn't going into politics or wait, of course he will! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAACK! (extremely loud and obnoxious laughing while wiping tears.)

Even if this was a fake rant, as my teenagers assures me, it was hilarious and worth reading for the sheer humour in it.

Stephen King must already know that you can never have enough ninjas in a sci fi story about aliens! For shame, Mr. King! LOL

mystima
08-11-2010, 08:09 PM
from reading the link it was for a seminar of some kind. read some the comments and a lot of the posts were for some MMO but not sure which one. it was from October 28, 2005 Austin,Texas. Austin Game Conference

rico567
10-31-2014, 02:51 AM
I agree with "Randall Flagg." I think this letter is a parody, folks.