mae
04-28-2014, 05:45 AM
http://whatculture.com/film/10-stephen-king-film-remakes-needed-erase-terrible-originals.php
Few authors over the past forty years or so have had such an inconsistent (and even tenuous) relationship with the big screen adaptations of their own works as Stephen King. Given King’s extensive influence as a literary giant, it’s certainly to be expected that many a budding horror auteur would jump at the opportunity to form their own interpretation of one of his countless works. Unfortunately, the strength of the source material doesn’t always translate to the screen and we’re often left with questionable results.
With the inundation of remakes and reboots nowadays, it’s easy to shrug off the idea of retooling movies that weren’t very good and/or popular to begin with. But there’s a reason the name Stephen King carries as much clout as it does in the film industry – his words have been turned into such beloved works as The Shining, The Shawshank Redemption, and Misery among others. For a man as dedicated to his craft as he is, he deserves, at the very least, a strong creative presence spearheading a project bearing his name.
The question then becomes, “Do we really need these movies to be remade?” And that’s a fair point. Last year’s Carrie remake actually hurt the legacy of the original. The following entries on this list, however, range from mediocre to hilariously bad in the first place. Most would find it best to let sleeping dogs lie and let these films fade away with time. But what would happen if a truly talented list of names lined up behind one of these movies? It could elevate it from dime-a-dozen schlock into something very much worthwhile. Such as…
10. Children Of The Corn
A lot of you are already balking at the whole premise of this article and this entry is probably doing that fact no favors. Especially given this film’s seven sequels and ill-fated made-for-T.V. remake no more than five years ago. The 1984 screen version starring Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton delivered a few chills, but remains an ultimately silly, horribly dated affair. Indeed, it is a sad state of affairs when the South Park parody of a movie is more compelling than the movie itself.
King’s original short story, which first appeared in Penthouse Magazine in 1979, is a much grislier, sinister work than anything that’s made it to the screen at this point. The seemingly innocuous opening of a bickering couple driving in a car leads way to some startlingly imagery that has yet to be properly captured on screen without inducing rolling eyes. Throw in some gold old fashioned religious zealotry metaphors and there’s the skeleton for what could be an exceptional, thoughtful horror movie.
Frank Darabont is probably the type of director who could foster such an idea. He’s no stranger to King, having brought three of his works to the screen already, including 2007′s The Mist, proving he’s comfortable with both horror and religious overtones. Casting two young actors as the leads, such as Miles Teller and Elizabeth Olsen, would give the shaky marriage a different kind of sadness and tension that could help it avoid the dull trappings of other 80′s horror remakes, like A Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th.
9. Silver Bullet
This might be a difficult one for some to swallow given it’s midnight movie cult status. Though as we grow older, we grow wiser and learn to drown out the feelings of nostalgia to see things as they really are: Silver Bullet is not a good movie. At all. It’s clear that no one involved with the project was taking it very seriously (except, naturally, Gary Busey), including director Daniel Attias, as a thick layer of camp is present in each frame.
There are so many different ways you could take the story and have them all blend together seamlessly. At once, it’s a coming-of-age story, a bloody whodunit, and a study of paranoia driving a small town apart. All of these elements have been explored at one time or another on screen, but it’s difficult to recall a time when they were all done together. Especially effectively. Especially in a werewolf movie. It’s a common complaint that everything is so gritty nowadays and we could do well with some tongue-in-cheek fun, but giving this story some weight and darkness could mark a return to form for the monster movie sub-genre.
The idea of werewolves themselves has been diminished over the past decade due in no small part to the Twilight series. Even the Underworld movies had a hand in tarnishing the prestige and terror. Given his producer credit on the Netflix series Hemlock Grove, Eli Roth clearly has an affinity for lycanthropy. Given his track record with gore, he could be the right choice to inject a new Silver Bullet movie with the chills it needs. And if Gary Busey can reign it in, maybe he can actually stick around.
8. Cujo
This one is probably difficult for a lot of you, as well… but less because of this movie being viewed with rose-tinted glasses and more because it rips apart the hearts of dog lovers everywhere. Though despite a few effective sequences, namely the dog attack on the car, the film is actually surprisingly boring. Worse yet, it comes across as cheaply made with uninspired direction.
There really isn’t any grand allegory behind this film, but the story itself preys on the worst nightmares of pet owners everywhere. It’s a disturbing enough prospect to lose your pet, but it’s another to lose it to an uncontrollable rage and desire to kill that overwhelms the poor pooch. Cujo might have the makings of a creature feature, but it could be a horror movie of a different breed (sorry). It’s a very tricky prospect to give character depth to the dog and document his descent into madness, but it most certainly can be done. And large part of that is making care about the human characters and really explore their grief and shock.
It might be going out on a limb here, but it’d be very interesting to see someone like Jeff Nichols give this a go. It might seem “beneath” him, but he has a knack for perfectly capturing familial troubles in the face of grander events. Not to mention the fact that he can build tension with the best of them.
7. Maximum Overdrive
When Stephen King can’t even get a Stephen King adaptation right, you have to wonder if it’s worth reexamining. Still, reports of King’s cocaine-fueled, inchoate directing endeavor make me wonder what could have been in the hands of a more talented filmmaker (King would swear off directing again shortly after its release). Unfortunately, that answer did not come by way of the first remake back in 1997.
Accompanied by an AC/DC-penned soundtrack, Maximum Overdrive tells the story of machines coming to life after Earth passes through the tail of a rogue comet. It stars Emilio Estevez as a recent parolee coping with this brave new world. It might be difficult to tell from the above photo, but the original is a tad campy. Unfortunately, the film is a complete mess and fails to reach so-bad-it’s-good territory, even for 80′s horror crap.
Right now, you’re justifiably wondering what the point is of subjecting audiences to this abject suffering for a second time. And the most level-headed answer you’ll likely get to that question is “morbid curiosity.” And it’s safe to assume most directors would consider it the professional equivalent of fishing your cell phone out of a toilet bowl.
Still, this absolutely prime territory for Paul Verhoeven, even if it doesn’t read as such on the surface. No one does tongue-in-cheek camp better and it’s been way too long since he’s directed anything. Throw in James Franco in the role not really made famous by Emilio and you could have a recipe for a cult classic. Or, failing that, something so bad it’s good.
6. The Running Man
“Now wait just a damn minute,” you cry. “The Running Man is a classic!” Maybe so. And while I will it’s the most thematically relevant film on this list, it’s also unabashedly cheesy and contains some of the most tepid actions scenes from the Golden Age of Schwarzenegger. Plus, the plot of a game show where, in this case, unjustly convicted felons brutally murder each other for a chance at freedom has been done in some form or another in the years since.
On that note, however, it did present the idea with more sardonic vitriol than any installment of The Hunger Games could even hope to muster. And depending on which side of the fence you stand, there’s some sincerely laugh-out-loud meta comedy courtesy of Family Feud host and perennial slime ball Richard Dawson (not to mention Arnold repeating famous one-liners, which feels less meta than it does him forgetting where he is in a given moment).
This one could go one of two ways: either you make it as a serious-faced action reboot a la Total Recall that won’t read as anything more than a movie trying to play intellectual superior to The Hunger Games; or you (wisely) maintain the absurdity that made the first one so beloved, beef up the action scenes, and stick it to the segment of our culture obsessed with violence.
Striking that delicate balance between action and humor with just a hint of darkness has been the downfall of many directors… but not Edgar Wright. While it’s unfamiliar territory thematically, there probably isn’t another working director who could bring that manic energy to the fight sequences while still making us laugh. Partnering him up with a star that has good comedic timing, but could make a believable action hero is the only way to go. And nowadays, you’d be hard-pressed to beat Channing Tatum to fill that role. With those pieces in place, it’d be one remake to get genuinely excited for. That is, if they smartly opt to once again change the ending from the original novel (no spoilers here, but it’s hard not to make certain… associations when you read it).
5. Riding The Bullet
What makes this movie based on Stephen King’s novella ripe for a remake isn’t the fact that it was garbage, though it most certainly was. Hell, it’s not even the fact that David Arquette plays an important role in it. It’s that barely anyone outside of King’s faithful have heard of it, which is a shame because beneath the hollowly macabre-sounding plot lies a lingering, internalized sadness that the original completely fumbled.
Jonathan Jackson (Tuck Everlasting… no, seriously) plays Alan, a death-obsessed teenager who, following a failed suicide attempt, sets out to hitchhike one hundred miles to visit his dying mother. Along the way, he meets a cast of odd characters, including Arquette as a ghost with his head sewed back on after the decapitation that cost him his life. The movie doesn’t shy away from heavy-handed melodrama, which proves to be its downfall. It’s dark for the sake of being dark. And probably for the sake of throwing King’s name onto a project and expecting a decent return. The fact that it only grossed a startlingly bad $134,711 in the U.S. reveals this to be more of a misfire than simple bad filmmaking.
There is a chance for this story to have a second life as a more introspective character study and what impact exactly death has on us all. And even though he’s already attached to another King remake with It, Cary Fukunaga is the type of talent well suited to the heady source material, which he proved on HBO’s True Detective. In a couple of years, Tom Holland (The Impossible) could step in as Alan. Considering the majority of King’s work is either excessively violent or outright terrifying, Riding the Bullet stands out as a uniquely intimate entry in the author’s canon.
Fun fact: the original novella was actually the first work ever released as a digital download.
4. Thinner
Thinner is another one of those movies that’s so often imitated and even parodied that you forget where the original came from in the first place. Though, in this instance, it’s not exactly the worst thing in the world. It falls into that familiar trap of no one on set clearly taking it seriously, even if star Robert John Burke seems like he’s having a great time. Can’t fault the guy for that.
Burke plays lawyer Billy Halleck, who, in a moment of passion, runs over a young gypsy woman. The woman’s father, not content with Halleck getting off scott free, places a curse on the morbidly obese lawyer, dooming him to lose forty pounds a week until he eventually whittles away. The story on which it’s based is meant to play off of our image-obsessed society, whether physical or materialistic. It’s not the subtlest or, frankly, even the smartest allegory in King’s lore (here, under his nom de plume Richard Bachman), but it’s an important point all the same and it deserves better than the fate bestowed upon it by the incessant mugging that passes as acting. Not to mention the hokey special effects. Or the fact that you couldn’t really tell if it was a horror or a comedy. And don’t you even dare mention that fat suit.
It’s admireable that director Tom Holland wanted to highlight the main character’s mental downward spiral by opting for full-on insanity spiked with black humor, but the tactic is well out of his wheelhouse and it shows in every half-baked frame of this dreck. One man who is totally comfortable with eccentric remakes, however, is Werner Herzog. Why not pair him back up with Nic Cage in a bit of a Bad Lieutenant reunion? Hey, if nothing else, it’d be a hell of a lot more interesting than the original.
3. The Tommyknockers
It’s almost unfair to tear apart The Tommyknockers. It was a T.V. movie in the gilded age of made-for-T.V. movies being hotly anticipated events. It’s picking low-hanging fruit, really. Nevertheless, it stands as an example of deeper plot and character elements from the original being sacrificed for the sake of the screen version.
The usually reliable Jimmy Smits sleepwalks his way through a lame sci-fi flick about a poet and recovering alcoholic who stumbles across a spaceship that emits an odorless gas turning the towns inhabitants psychotic, bald, toothless and miraculously inventive. Except Smits’ character is immune to the gas because he has a metal plate in his head, you see. There’s more than a passing similarity with the inanimate-object-come-alive subplot with Maximum Overdrive. It was a bit of a head-scratcher on the page (and a bit bloated, even by King’s usually lengthy standards), but at least the novel punched above its weight, which is a hell of a lot more than you can say about the T.V. movie.
To that end, it’s even harder to make a case for a remake of this film than the others here given the novel being considered a weaker King work. There’s no indication that another adaptation would yield a better result. There is, however, a subplot regarding the struggles of writing that lead me to believe that if it were put in the hands of Charlie Kaufman and they told him to just go completely nuts with it, the results would be nothing short of wildly entertaining. And that’s not even pointing out the overall metaphor for King’s own transformation at the hands of drugs and alcohol, which is always ripe dramatic territory. This is probably the least likely option on this list to actually get a green light, but it’s fun to dream, isn’t it?
2. Apt Pupil
This should prove to be one of the more controversial picks on this list, if only for the fact that it comes courtesy of a well-regarded director in Bryan Singer. Fresh off the success of his sophomore effort The Usual Suspects, Singer dipped his hands into King’s anthology Different Seasons, which had already yielded two largely successful adaptations in Stand By Me and The Shawshank Redemption. It is quite handily the best film on the list.
Apt Pupil revolves around a teenager (the late Brad Renfro) who discovers his elderly neighbor’s (Ian McKellen) Nazi war criminal past. In exchange for indulging his morbid curiosity, Renfro promises not to disclose the neighbor’s true identity, but old habits die hard and things turn belligerent pretty quickly. There are some genuinely disturbing moments to be had, including one where McKellen dusts off the old S.S. uniform at Renfro’s behest. But ultimately, beyond more than one “jump the shark” moment of over-the-top violence or animal cruelty, the film falls flat on its face for having a completely unfocused narrative and no motivation to go anywhere or be something. More than anything, it’s an indulgence of a teenage boy’s (and Singer’s) morbid curiosity. And you all know it should only be indulged if he were setting out to remake Maximum Overdrive.
Nevertheless, the story has the potential to be a thought-provoking study of guilt; generational disparity; and, like Riding the Bullet, the lofty concept of death itself. Despite Singer’s talent, his head wasn’t in the right place here. Historically, Singer-helmed projects are succeeded by Brett Ratner, so should he be unfortunately unavailable, Darren Aronofsky would be an excellent choice to fill those shoes. The territory seems like prime real estate for his view of the world and could even read as a stylistic cross section between The Wrestler and Black Swan.
Though given McKellen’s stellar work in the original, it’d be interesting to see what he could do with a retooled script and stronger direction. It partially defeats the purpose, but it’s one element of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” that’s easy to concede.
1. Dreamcatcher
And finally, the granddaddy of bad Stephen King adaptations. A movie so bad, they had to stick a Matrix short film ahead of it to drag people out to the theater to see it. It’s a shame, really. The performances are good for the most part and there are a couple of really awesome jump scares, but the film goes on forever and is relentlessly confusing. And not even just the story. One minute, you’re getting an allegory for the physical pain King endured when hit by a car in 1999. The next, you’re watching a little alien worm shoot out of some guy’s butt.
Thomas Jane, Damian Lewis, Timothy Olyphant, and Jason Lee (four sincerely admirable actors) play best friends who are endowed psychic powers by their mentally handicapped friend who warns them of an impending alien invasion. It defecates on the line of good taste without even realizing it, honestly. Simultaneously, the town in which they’re vacationing is being plagued by said aliens, who the nefarious Morgan Freeman will stop at nothing to eradicate, even if that means eliminating the affected persons, as well. It’s cartoonish villainy at its best.
There really is no saving this story. It’s even more hopeless than The Tommyknockers. The tone is all over the place and the central plot relies on cheap gross-out tactics to go anywhere. So why not just go for broke with the remake? Give it to Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen, then have Rogen lead the cast of Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, and Danny McBride. With a plot this ridiculous, you need the right people in there, and honestly, and is there really anyone better?
So there you have it. Are any of these actually viable options or, as we suggested earlier, is it best indeed to just let sleeping dogs lie?
Few authors over the past forty years or so have had such an inconsistent (and even tenuous) relationship with the big screen adaptations of their own works as Stephen King. Given King’s extensive influence as a literary giant, it’s certainly to be expected that many a budding horror auteur would jump at the opportunity to form their own interpretation of one of his countless works. Unfortunately, the strength of the source material doesn’t always translate to the screen and we’re often left with questionable results.
With the inundation of remakes and reboots nowadays, it’s easy to shrug off the idea of retooling movies that weren’t very good and/or popular to begin with. But there’s a reason the name Stephen King carries as much clout as it does in the film industry – his words have been turned into such beloved works as The Shining, The Shawshank Redemption, and Misery among others. For a man as dedicated to his craft as he is, he deserves, at the very least, a strong creative presence spearheading a project bearing his name.
The question then becomes, “Do we really need these movies to be remade?” And that’s a fair point. Last year’s Carrie remake actually hurt the legacy of the original. The following entries on this list, however, range from mediocre to hilariously bad in the first place. Most would find it best to let sleeping dogs lie and let these films fade away with time. But what would happen if a truly talented list of names lined up behind one of these movies? It could elevate it from dime-a-dozen schlock into something very much worthwhile. Such as…
10. Children Of The Corn
A lot of you are already balking at the whole premise of this article and this entry is probably doing that fact no favors. Especially given this film’s seven sequels and ill-fated made-for-T.V. remake no more than five years ago. The 1984 screen version starring Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton delivered a few chills, but remains an ultimately silly, horribly dated affair. Indeed, it is a sad state of affairs when the South Park parody of a movie is more compelling than the movie itself.
King’s original short story, which first appeared in Penthouse Magazine in 1979, is a much grislier, sinister work than anything that’s made it to the screen at this point. The seemingly innocuous opening of a bickering couple driving in a car leads way to some startlingly imagery that has yet to be properly captured on screen without inducing rolling eyes. Throw in some gold old fashioned religious zealotry metaphors and there’s the skeleton for what could be an exceptional, thoughtful horror movie.
Frank Darabont is probably the type of director who could foster such an idea. He’s no stranger to King, having brought three of his works to the screen already, including 2007′s The Mist, proving he’s comfortable with both horror and religious overtones. Casting two young actors as the leads, such as Miles Teller and Elizabeth Olsen, would give the shaky marriage a different kind of sadness and tension that could help it avoid the dull trappings of other 80′s horror remakes, like A Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th.
9. Silver Bullet
This might be a difficult one for some to swallow given it’s midnight movie cult status. Though as we grow older, we grow wiser and learn to drown out the feelings of nostalgia to see things as they really are: Silver Bullet is not a good movie. At all. It’s clear that no one involved with the project was taking it very seriously (except, naturally, Gary Busey), including director Daniel Attias, as a thick layer of camp is present in each frame.
There are so many different ways you could take the story and have them all blend together seamlessly. At once, it’s a coming-of-age story, a bloody whodunit, and a study of paranoia driving a small town apart. All of these elements have been explored at one time or another on screen, but it’s difficult to recall a time when they were all done together. Especially effectively. Especially in a werewolf movie. It’s a common complaint that everything is so gritty nowadays and we could do well with some tongue-in-cheek fun, but giving this story some weight and darkness could mark a return to form for the monster movie sub-genre.
The idea of werewolves themselves has been diminished over the past decade due in no small part to the Twilight series. Even the Underworld movies had a hand in tarnishing the prestige and terror. Given his producer credit on the Netflix series Hemlock Grove, Eli Roth clearly has an affinity for lycanthropy. Given his track record with gore, he could be the right choice to inject a new Silver Bullet movie with the chills it needs. And if Gary Busey can reign it in, maybe he can actually stick around.
8. Cujo
This one is probably difficult for a lot of you, as well… but less because of this movie being viewed with rose-tinted glasses and more because it rips apart the hearts of dog lovers everywhere. Though despite a few effective sequences, namely the dog attack on the car, the film is actually surprisingly boring. Worse yet, it comes across as cheaply made with uninspired direction.
There really isn’t any grand allegory behind this film, but the story itself preys on the worst nightmares of pet owners everywhere. It’s a disturbing enough prospect to lose your pet, but it’s another to lose it to an uncontrollable rage and desire to kill that overwhelms the poor pooch. Cujo might have the makings of a creature feature, but it could be a horror movie of a different breed (sorry). It’s a very tricky prospect to give character depth to the dog and document his descent into madness, but it most certainly can be done. And large part of that is making care about the human characters and really explore their grief and shock.
It might be going out on a limb here, but it’d be very interesting to see someone like Jeff Nichols give this a go. It might seem “beneath” him, but he has a knack for perfectly capturing familial troubles in the face of grander events. Not to mention the fact that he can build tension with the best of them.
7. Maximum Overdrive
When Stephen King can’t even get a Stephen King adaptation right, you have to wonder if it’s worth reexamining. Still, reports of King’s cocaine-fueled, inchoate directing endeavor make me wonder what could have been in the hands of a more talented filmmaker (King would swear off directing again shortly after its release). Unfortunately, that answer did not come by way of the first remake back in 1997.
Accompanied by an AC/DC-penned soundtrack, Maximum Overdrive tells the story of machines coming to life after Earth passes through the tail of a rogue comet. It stars Emilio Estevez as a recent parolee coping with this brave new world. It might be difficult to tell from the above photo, but the original is a tad campy. Unfortunately, the film is a complete mess and fails to reach so-bad-it’s-good territory, even for 80′s horror crap.
Right now, you’re justifiably wondering what the point is of subjecting audiences to this abject suffering for a second time. And the most level-headed answer you’ll likely get to that question is “morbid curiosity.” And it’s safe to assume most directors would consider it the professional equivalent of fishing your cell phone out of a toilet bowl.
Still, this absolutely prime territory for Paul Verhoeven, even if it doesn’t read as such on the surface. No one does tongue-in-cheek camp better and it’s been way too long since he’s directed anything. Throw in James Franco in the role not really made famous by Emilio and you could have a recipe for a cult classic. Or, failing that, something so bad it’s good.
6. The Running Man
“Now wait just a damn minute,” you cry. “The Running Man is a classic!” Maybe so. And while I will it’s the most thematically relevant film on this list, it’s also unabashedly cheesy and contains some of the most tepid actions scenes from the Golden Age of Schwarzenegger. Plus, the plot of a game show where, in this case, unjustly convicted felons brutally murder each other for a chance at freedom has been done in some form or another in the years since.
On that note, however, it did present the idea with more sardonic vitriol than any installment of The Hunger Games could even hope to muster. And depending on which side of the fence you stand, there’s some sincerely laugh-out-loud meta comedy courtesy of Family Feud host and perennial slime ball Richard Dawson (not to mention Arnold repeating famous one-liners, which feels less meta than it does him forgetting where he is in a given moment).
This one could go one of two ways: either you make it as a serious-faced action reboot a la Total Recall that won’t read as anything more than a movie trying to play intellectual superior to The Hunger Games; or you (wisely) maintain the absurdity that made the first one so beloved, beef up the action scenes, and stick it to the segment of our culture obsessed with violence.
Striking that delicate balance between action and humor with just a hint of darkness has been the downfall of many directors… but not Edgar Wright. While it’s unfamiliar territory thematically, there probably isn’t another working director who could bring that manic energy to the fight sequences while still making us laugh. Partnering him up with a star that has good comedic timing, but could make a believable action hero is the only way to go. And nowadays, you’d be hard-pressed to beat Channing Tatum to fill that role. With those pieces in place, it’d be one remake to get genuinely excited for. That is, if they smartly opt to once again change the ending from the original novel (no spoilers here, but it’s hard not to make certain… associations when you read it).
5. Riding The Bullet
What makes this movie based on Stephen King’s novella ripe for a remake isn’t the fact that it was garbage, though it most certainly was. Hell, it’s not even the fact that David Arquette plays an important role in it. It’s that barely anyone outside of King’s faithful have heard of it, which is a shame because beneath the hollowly macabre-sounding plot lies a lingering, internalized sadness that the original completely fumbled.
Jonathan Jackson (Tuck Everlasting… no, seriously) plays Alan, a death-obsessed teenager who, following a failed suicide attempt, sets out to hitchhike one hundred miles to visit his dying mother. Along the way, he meets a cast of odd characters, including Arquette as a ghost with his head sewed back on after the decapitation that cost him his life. The movie doesn’t shy away from heavy-handed melodrama, which proves to be its downfall. It’s dark for the sake of being dark. And probably for the sake of throwing King’s name onto a project and expecting a decent return. The fact that it only grossed a startlingly bad $134,711 in the U.S. reveals this to be more of a misfire than simple bad filmmaking.
There is a chance for this story to have a second life as a more introspective character study and what impact exactly death has on us all. And even though he’s already attached to another King remake with It, Cary Fukunaga is the type of talent well suited to the heady source material, which he proved on HBO’s True Detective. In a couple of years, Tom Holland (The Impossible) could step in as Alan. Considering the majority of King’s work is either excessively violent or outright terrifying, Riding the Bullet stands out as a uniquely intimate entry in the author’s canon.
Fun fact: the original novella was actually the first work ever released as a digital download.
4. Thinner
Thinner is another one of those movies that’s so often imitated and even parodied that you forget where the original came from in the first place. Though, in this instance, it’s not exactly the worst thing in the world. It falls into that familiar trap of no one on set clearly taking it seriously, even if star Robert John Burke seems like he’s having a great time. Can’t fault the guy for that.
Burke plays lawyer Billy Halleck, who, in a moment of passion, runs over a young gypsy woman. The woman’s father, not content with Halleck getting off scott free, places a curse on the morbidly obese lawyer, dooming him to lose forty pounds a week until he eventually whittles away. The story on which it’s based is meant to play off of our image-obsessed society, whether physical or materialistic. It’s not the subtlest or, frankly, even the smartest allegory in King’s lore (here, under his nom de plume Richard Bachman), but it’s an important point all the same and it deserves better than the fate bestowed upon it by the incessant mugging that passes as acting. Not to mention the hokey special effects. Or the fact that you couldn’t really tell if it was a horror or a comedy. And don’t you even dare mention that fat suit.
It’s admireable that director Tom Holland wanted to highlight the main character’s mental downward spiral by opting for full-on insanity spiked with black humor, but the tactic is well out of his wheelhouse and it shows in every half-baked frame of this dreck. One man who is totally comfortable with eccentric remakes, however, is Werner Herzog. Why not pair him back up with Nic Cage in a bit of a Bad Lieutenant reunion? Hey, if nothing else, it’d be a hell of a lot more interesting than the original.
3. The Tommyknockers
It’s almost unfair to tear apart The Tommyknockers. It was a T.V. movie in the gilded age of made-for-T.V. movies being hotly anticipated events. It’s picking low-hanging fruit, really. Nevertheless, it stands as an example of deeper plot and character elements from the original being sacrificed for the sake of the screen version.
The usually reliable Jimmy Smits sleepwalks his way through a lame sci-fi flick about a poet and recovering alcoholic who stumbles across a spaceship that emits an odorless gas turning the towns inhabitants psychotic, bald, toothless and miraculously inventive. Except Smits’ character is immune to the gas because he has a metal plate in his head, you see. There’s more than a passing similarity with the inanimate-object-come-alive subplot with Maximum Overdrive. It was a bit of a head-scratcher on the page (and a bit bloated, even by King’s usually lengthy standards), but at least the novel punched above its weight, which is a hell of a lot more than you can say about the T.V. movie.
To that end, it’s even harder to make a case for a remake of this film than the others here given the novel being considered a weaker King work. There’s no indication that another adaptation would yield a better result. There is, however, a subplot regarding the struggles of writing that lead me to believe that if it were put in the hands of Charlie Kaufman and they told him to just go completely nuts with it, the results would be nothing short of wildly entertaining. And that’s not even pointing out the overall metaphor for King’s own transformation at the hands of drugs and alcohol, which is always ripe dramatic territory. This is probably the least likely option on this list to actually get a green light, but it’s fun to dream, isn’t it?
2. Apt Pupil
This should prove to be one of the more controversial picks on this list, if only for the fact that it comes courtesy of a well-regarded director in Bryan Singer. Fresh off the success of his sophomore effort The Usual Suspects, Singer dipped his hands into King’s anthology Different Seasons, which had already yielded two largely successful adaptations in Stand By Me and The Shawshank Redemption. It is quite handily the best film on the list.
Apt Pupil revolves around a teenager (the late Brad Renfro) who discovers his elderly neighbor’s (Ian McKellen) Nazi war criminal past. In exchange for indulging his morbid curiosity, Renfro promises not to disclose the neighbor’s true identity, but old habits die hard and things turn belligerent pretty quickly. There are some genuinely disturbing moments to be had, including one where McKellen dusts off the old S.S. uniform at Renfro’s behest. But ultimately, beyond more than one “jump the shark” moment of over-the-top violence or animal cruelty, the film falls flat on its face for having a completely unfocused narrative and no motivation to go anywhere or be something. More than anything, it’s an indulgence of a teenage boy’s (and Singer’s) morbid curiosity. And you all know it should only be indulged if he were setting out to remake Maximum Overdrive.
Nevertheless, the story has the potential to be a thought-provoking study of guilt; generational disparity; and, like Riding the Bullet, the lofty concept of death itself. Despite Singer’s talent, his head wasn’t in the right place here. Historically, Singer-helmed projects are succeeded by Brett Ratner, so should he be unfortunately unavailable, Darren Aronofsky would be an excellent choice to fill those shoes. The territory seems like prime real estate for his view of the world and could even read as a stylistic cross section between The Wrestler and Black Swan.
Though given McKellen’s stellar work in the original, it’d be interesting to see what he could do with a retooled script and stronger direction. It partially defeats the purpose, but it’s one element of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” that’s easy to concede.
1. Dreamcatcher
And finally, the granddaddy of bad Stephen King adaptations. A movie so bad, they had to stick a Matrix short film ahead of it to drag people out to the theater to see it. It’s a shame, really. The performances are good for the most part and there are a couple of really awesome jump scares, but the film goes on forever and is relentlessly confusing. And not even just the story. One minute, you’re getting an allegory for the physical pain King endured when hit by a car in 1999. The next, you’re watching a little alien worm shoot out of some guy’s butt.
Thomas Jane, Damian Lewis, Timothy Olyphant, and Jason Lee (four sincerely admirable actors) play best friends who are endowed psychic powers by their mentally handicapped friend who warns them of an impending alien invasion. It defecates on the line of good taste without even realizing it, honestly. Simultaneously, the town in which they’re vacationing is being plagued by said aliens, who the nefarious Morgan Freeman will stop at nothing to eradicate, even if that means eliminating the affected persons, as well. It’s cartoonish villainy at its best.
There really is no saving this story. It’s even more hopeless than The Tommyknockers. The tone is all over the place and the central plot relies on cheap gross-out tactics to go anywhere. So why not just go for broke with the remake? Give it to Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen, then have Rogen lead the cast of Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, and Danny McBride. With a plot this ridiculous, you need the right people in there, and honestly, and is there really anyone better?
So there you have it. Are any of these actually viable options or, as we suggested earlier, is it best indeed to just let sleeping dogs lie?