Choose Your Own Adventure Game

[LadyHitchhiker]

Alright, you guys know the rules... we start a game, you pick a page number, and run with it. Personally, I love the more bizarre the better, but make of it as you wish. I had to resurrect this game since I think tdt.net has finally kicked the bed, and I'm jonesing for some CYOAG! Please for you to enjoy all new fabulous reincarnated CYOAG!!!!!

It is a dark and stormy night. You are in your kitchen cooking garlic chicken. There is a knock at the door. Through the peephole you can see a dark and imposing figure.

To open the door, go to page 3.

To focus on cooking so you don't burn down your apartment, turn to page 93.

[Darkthoughts]

I didn't play this at .net - so I hope I understand the rules :D

I chose page 3...

...you open the door to reveal a tall, muscular, olive skinned man. He is heavily scarred and looks anxious. He addresses you by name and tells you he has urgent news.

To let him in, goto page 104.

To slam the door shut, goto page 8.

[LadyHitchhiker]

(very good!)

You turn to page 104.

Getting a better look at the man, you realize that he has pointed ears, and he looks very much like Spock off of Star Trek.

"There is an asteroid coming to this planet," he announces.

"Thanks alot," you say. "What the hell am I supposed to do about that?"

"You have the key to time itself. We need to borrow it, so that your planet can avert the asteroid!" He exclaims urgently.

You actually have no idea what he's talking about.

To help him find the timekey, go to page 90.

To try and get the crazy man out of your house, go to page 83.

[Daghain]

Fun!

Page 90: You and the Spock lookalike roam around the house searching for the key. Eventually you both end up in the bathroom where you open the medicine cabinet only to hear the Spock lookalike exclaim "There it is!"

He reaches over your shoulder and pulls a toothbrush from the cabinet.

To see how the toothbrush works, go to page 112.

If you decide this guy is seriously crazy and you need to get him out of your house, go to page 109.

[Darkthoughts]

Turn to page 109.

"Ok, thats it Spocky...you are so out of here!" you say from over his shoulder. He whips round suddenly, holding the toothbrush threateningly before your face, "I'm sorry, we could have done this the easy way - but you leave me no choice." And with that, he grabs hold of your arm, taps his left canine twice with the toothbrush and the rooms spins into non existance...

To prize his arm from yours and take your chances in the void turn to page 19

To stay put and see what happens turn to page 99.

[Kevin]

Turn to page 99.

You twist out of Spocky's grasp, and freefall in the blackness. ahead is a light, and you fall into it. You land on a hard metal floor. Out the window you can see an uncountable amount of stars. You appear to be on a ship. Above you through the floor you hear the sound of many feet moving in different directions, as if a great number of people are looking for someone. You wonder who that could be? At the end of the hall is a door. You hear nothing behind it. To your immediate left is a door that appears to be a closet.

To hide in the closet, turn to page 46.

To go through the door at the end of the hall, turn to page 112.

[Odetta]

Turn to page 46

Being a little bit of a scaredy-cat, you decide to hide in the closet. However, when you open the door, you realize that it is not a closet, but an elevator of sorts. You step in the elevator and notice there are 2 buttons... one pointing "UP", one pointing "DOWN".

To go UP, turn to page 32.

To go DOWN, turn to page 58.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Page 32. You decide to go up!

Upon reaching the designated floor, the doors open to reveal a horde of zombies.

To try and reason with the zombies, go to page 283.

To try to go back down, go to page 982.

[Mister E]

Page 283!

After teaching the zombies that their aggression is misplaced and how to recite Shakespeare's Titus as if they grew up in Ashland, Oregon, I proceed to hack their heads off with my strategically-placed collapsible chainsaw. I proceed down the hall when I hear an odd sucking noise, so I...

Turn to page 2,931 to advance towards the sucking noise.

Turn to page 11 to take the long way home.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Turn to page 2,931...

It's probably a bad idea, but you decide to investigate anyways...

There is a gentleman - if you want to call him that - sucking Captain Kirk's brain out with a straw...

Perhaps this is why the zombies are manifesting themselves?

To stop the *ahem* gentleman go to page 9876.

To try some of the Captain Kirk shake, go to page 0.5

[Daghain]

Page 0.5!

You discover a Kirk shake tastes like a combination of orange soda and caramel corn. While it's not your cup of tea, the zombies seem to like it. Now that you have shared brains with them, they will tolerate your presence. You look up and see a large group of them marching single file down the corridor.

To see where they are going, turn to page 3001.

To look for an escape pod from this undead madhouse, turn to page 7.

[Mister E]

Page 3001 (gone native!)

It turns out I've stumbled upon some sort of undead Jewish wedding ceremony! The zombies aren't marching, but doing a conga line to the reception hall! The zombie band playing, Night of the Living Knishes, is a little too emo for the joyous event, but the clarinet is the TOPS!

Go to page 23 to crash the wedding.

Go to page 32 to make out with the undead groom's hot re-animated mother in the cloak room.

[CyberGhostface]

Pg 32

You decide to make out with the hot re-animated mother. Nothing gets you hotter than swapping spit with a flesh-eating ghoul.

As you make out with her, you realize that by swapping spit you've been infected with whatever virus she carries. You let out a scream. Your stomach feels like its about to explode.

"Garrrghh..." You say. A thin line of drool trickles down your lip. You correct yourself. "I didn't mean that! I meant...glaaaghh..."

You're slowly becoming zombified. What shall you do?

Turn to page 19, if you try to find a cure, no matter how unlikely that may be
Turn to page 99, if you accept your zombified fate and decide to eat the brains of others

[Mister E]

Page 19.

I've decided to cure my undead condition, by hook or by crook. I shall be whole once again, even if it means taking the lives of thousands of millions of innocent people. Who could blame me really? I begin by knocking out the undead mother and dissecting her. Once I break down the true nature of the virus with my travel centrifuge, I begin the process of creating an antidote while still making out with my new slightly spoiled paramour. It turns out that what began as a mere perverted fling with the damned has sprouted into love and though I have not forgotten my promise to become whole again even if it means taking the lives of thousands of millions of innocent people, I will continue this taboo affair into the future.

Turn to Page 2,000,342 if you believe the developed cure will be a suppository, which will be administered by my new zombie lover.

Turn to Page 9,377 if you believe the cure will come at the cost of many innocent lives and ultimately result in the death of my new zombie lover.

[Daghain]

Oh, page 9,377. Totally.

After many innocent lives are lost and the aforementioned zombie lover meets an untimely death as an antidote guinea pig, you discover a cure for zombieism.

The antidote turns out to be a cheaply acquired item: brussels sprouts. (Too bad you tried asparagus first, your zombie lover might have lived. Oh well.)

You are faced with a choice: cure all the zombies on the planet, or just the select few you've come to know and love?

To cure all the zombies, turn to page 43,765.

To cure only the ones you like, turn to page 23,999.

[Mister E]

23,999

MENDOZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


Turn to page 23 to see which zombies I like.

Turn to page 203 to see me drink away my grief.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Page 23...

Well .... the population has been diminished, but now you realize that only curing the people you like is a bad idea....

Unfortunately, your people can still be infected by hungry zombies.

So now, somehow you have to find a mass market way of producing enough brussel sprouts to cure the world, or spend your whole entire life in fear.

What's it gonna be boy, yes, or no?

If you say yes to producing brussel sprouts, go to page 90.

If you decide no, fear is fun, go to page 91.

[CyberGhostface]

Page 91...

Somehow, the idea of living your life in fear from a zombie outbreak sounds exciting. Its not as your previous life was any interesting, and George Romero has always been your favorite character...or, was your favorite director before the zombies ate him.

So here you are, boarding up your windows while zombies try to break in. They are all moaning and beating their hands against the boards.

Okay, so maybe living your life in fear wasn't a good idea.

"Those darn zombies sure don't know how to quit, ayuh!" Stephen King says. He, along with your mother, your pet raccoon and your vampire landlord are the only people you care about. Yeah, its a pretty short list.

The zombies are close to breaking down the window. Something comes to your mind. You hate yourself, but it might be your only chance. If you throw one of your friends to the zombies, that might be your chance to distract them. Or you could do nothing and hope for the best.

If you throw your mother to the zombies, turn to page 66
If you throw Stephen King to the zombies, turn to page 54
If you throw your pet raccoon to the zombies, turn to page 22
If you throw yourself to the zombies to sacrifice yourself, turn to page 29
If you decide to do nothing and hope for the best, turn to page 10

[Daghain]

Page 22

Although you'd really like to sacrifice your vampire landlord (bastard keeps raising the rent) you may need a place to live after all this is over, so you throw your pet raccoon to the zombies as a distraction. You figure it's the best option, since with any luck Stephen King will marry your mother and you'll be RICH!

The zombies fall on the raccoon like teenagers at a pie-eating contest.

To run while the zombies are distracted, turn to page 107.

To stick around and watch, turn to page 103.

[CyberGhostface]

Page 107

"Nom nom nom nom..." The zombies go as they eat your raccoon.

"Lets go!" You shout. "NOW!"

"Oh, ayuh!" King says. He kicks open the bolted door and gestures for you and your friends to follow him. The zombies, as predicted, are too busy fighting over the remains of your pet raccoon to notice.

"Where are we going, dear?" Your mother says.

"Anywhere thats not here." The vampire landlord says.

There's a sound of a car skidding as black van careens down the road.

The door slides open. "Get in!" A voice says. "Quick!" You almost go in when you realize every single person inside the van is a clown. They all smell bad and their facepaint is beginning to crack. What are the odds of a van filled with clowns, and would you be safe with them? You aren't sure, but you don't have time to lose...

If you get into the van with the clowns, turn to page 666.

If you decide to go on your own, turn to page 1919.

[Daghain]

Page 666.

The faster you can escape, the better! You all hop in the van with the disheveled clowns. The door slams behind you and the driver stomps on the pedal. You zoom off down the street, headed for the highway.

You take a minute to look over your new-found friends. They are smelly and their makeup is cracking, but they look harmless enough.

You ask them why they are here and where they're from.

If they are escapees from a zombie attack at the circus, go to page 412.

If they are a secret cult of mad zombie worshipers, go to page 447.

[CyberGhostface]

Page 412

"Where are you from?"

One of the clowns, a large sweaty one who smells faintly of ham, shakes his head. "We were performing at the Tiggertouser Circus of Fun, when suddenly Mr. Bubbles ran screaming. Saying that he was bit. When Chuckles went to check on him, Bubbles turned like a rabid dog and tore out his throat with his teeth. After that, there was a huge panic. No one could tell who was infected until it was too late and it spread like a wildfire. We managed to escape in a van."

"Oh, ayuh!" Stephen King says. "That's sounds horrible."

"Why does he keep on saying 'ayuh'?" The fat clown says.

The vampire landlord shrugs. "He's from Maine, apparently. All the characters in his books speak that way."

You tell the clowns your name, and then introduce the rest of the group. "This here is Vlad, he's our landlord." You say pointing to the vampire. "This here is Mum, and the guy who keeps saying 'Ayuh' is Stephen King. He used to be a popular writer."

"I'm Bubba the Clown," The fat one says. "Pleased to meet ya."

One of the other clowns begins to moan.

"Hey, Freddy, you okay?" Bubba says.

"I don't feel too good..." The clown says. You notice that his shirt is soaked with blood. Hesitantly, Bubba lifts up his shirt to reveal a gaping wound. Bits of entrail are dangling over his pants.

"Shit!" Vlad says. "He could turn on us any minute!"

"What are we going to do?" Your mother says.

"We've got to get him out of here!" Bubba says. "Before he turns!"

"Maybe I can bite him." Vlad says thoughtfully. "After all, being a vampire is better than being a zombie."

You shake your head. "You've been in Blooddrinkers Anonymous for two months. Don't throw it away now."

"Maybe we can still help him." Your mother says.

"Do you see him?" Bubba says. "He's beyond help."

They all look at you as if expecting you to resolve the argument.

Should you kick Freddy out? Turn to page 87.
Should you let Vlad bite him? Turn to page 489.
Should you try to help him? Turn to page 223.

[Daghain]

Page 489.

Vlad bites Freddy in a vain attempt to save him. Unfortunately, this turns both Vlad and Freddy into rabid zombies, who then attempt to kill everyone in the van. In a fit of adrenaline, you open the side door and throw both Vlad and Freddy out of the van.

In hindsight, you realize that now there is a vampire zombie race forming. This is not good. The van streaks through the night, until eventually you reach an abandoned gas station.

To set a gas-powered bomb for the approaching zombies, go to page 114.

To just stop for munchies and gas, go to page 119.

[Storyslinger]

Page 119

All this saving the world bull snot is just too mauch to handle. As the van pulls up to the gas station, you throw open the door and rush madly into the store, searching for a candy bar.

The others shout after you, telling you to stop, then changing their pleas to 'just be careful.' Searching through the isles, you hear a strange sound coming from behind the cash counter.

To find out the source of the noise, turn to page 8,765

If you've had enough of strange noises, turn to page 4

[Daghain]

Page 4.

You've had it with strange noises as well. Grabbing an orange soda and a Mars bar, you bolt out the door and back into the van. As the door slams shut behind you you see a zombie stumbling out of the store, screaming for your brains. The van tears off down the road. After an hour or so, you come upon an old abandoned insane asylum. You are all tired and are thinking of crashing there for the evening.

To stop and spend the night, turn to page 177.

To continue on and look for a better place to stay, turn to page 198.

[CyberGhostface]

Page 177.

You decide the abandoned asylum, as spooky as it may be, is a more suitable place for shelter. After all, the less populated a place is the less zombies it would probably attract.

You park the car and stare at the dilapatated old building. It looks like something out of a horror film. Over the fence the letters spell out


WALL CE J HNSON A SY UM FOR THE CR MINA LY INS NE

"Sounds creepy." One of the clowns says. After Freddy's...death, there are now five clowns including Bubba. The one who just spoke is tall and skinny with tufts of red hair on the sides of his head.

"Its not like there's anyone still in there." Your mother says. "And we're safe from the zombies for the time being."

In the distance, you hear a moan.

"Tell me that's the wind." You say.

"Lets not stay here and find out." Bubba says. You all agree and run up the long spiral that leads to the ruins of the Wallace Johnson Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

"Hellooo?" Stephen King calls out as he opens the door. The interiors are cold and empty, and his voice echos.

As the last clown enters the room, you bolt the door.

"Helloooo..." What you assume to be King's voice echoes back. Only it repeats itself a second time. And a third. This can't be good.

"Hellooooo?" King calls out again. Before you can hit him upside the head and tell him to shut the hell up, you see shadows coming down the hall.

The inmates are in charge of the asylum. Literally.

You guess that when the zombie outbreak occurred, the doctors fleed and left their patients inside. Which is all fine for them, but what are you going to do now?

The inmates are slowly walking towards your group. Their hair is unkempt, the eyes bloodshot and the mouths hanging open like deflated balloons.

"Don't make any sudden moves." You say.

"Gugggghhh!!!!!" One of the inmates screeches and runs toward your group. His straightjacket has come undone and his sleeves are flapping wildly. You realize what he's about to do a second before it happens.

He grabs a protesting Stephen King, slings him over his shoulder and runs back to the other maniacs who are now all hooting and hollering. Then they all run off down the hall.

"We've got to go." The tall clown from earlier says. "While they're occupied."

"We can't just leave King there!" You shout.

"Its too dangerous." Bubba says sadly. "We're easily outnumbered."

If you go to help Stephen King, turn to page 685.
If you decide to leave while its safe, turn to page 373.

EDIT: Top of the page! EEEEEEEE!!!!

[Daghain]

Page 685.

You can't leave King behind - he's written so many horror novels he may end up being the key to your very survival based on his knowledge alone. You break everyone into three groups and head off in search of King. You, unfortunately, got stuck with the reluctant Bubba.

You wander through the halls for the better part of an hour before you hear mumbling behind one of the closed doors. You slowly open the door and peek in, only to discover King is teaching the homicidal maniacs how to play Texas Hold 'em.

You enter the room and see King has clearly cleaned the inmates out of their stash of treasures - scalpels, paper clips, expired medication - he has a huge pile of dross in front of him.

"There you are!" You exclaim, "What the heck is going on here?"

"I've won it all!" King says, smiling, "And these fine men have offered to help us fight the zombies, if we want them."

You look around at the six crazies surrounding King at the makeshift poker table. Not one of them looks the least bit stable, but they all seem to think King is God, and that could definitely work to your advantage.

To throw your lot in with the crazies, go to page 976.

To leave them behind, go to page 843.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Page 976...

"Got any more crazies?" You ask, non-chalantly?

Stephen King looks at you with a big smile.

"Yes, let's go to maximum security..."

"And then the armory!" you suggest.

Stephen King looks at you. "We may not need the armory."

This kind of spooks you out.

"I'm hungry," your mom says.

To still go with SK to see the even crazier crazies, go to page 3.

to find something to eat, go to page 8.

[CyberGhostface]

Page 3

"Lead us to the maximum security," You say to one of the crazies."

Bubba shakes his head. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"I'm hungry." Your mom repeats.

"Shut it, you." You say.

Stephen speaks to the crazies. One of them, a tall skinny man with long stringy hair and drool running down his lip nods and gestures for them to follow. You, your mom, Stephen King and the clowns follow the mental patients down a series of corridors.

"Here we are." One of them slurs. "Maximum security."

"Do you really think this will help?" You ask Stephen King.

"Can't be any worse than the zombies and vampires, ayuh." The writer says.

You can hear scraping against the door of the maximum security ward, and a high-pitched scream. You can't tell the gender of the screamer; its high, almost feminine but gravelly as well.

"Y'know..." King said. "I think I'm having second thoughts..." The inmates, either ignoring or not hearing him, open the door.

As soon as he does a large fat man in his underwear runs out. His underwear is stained with piss. He's holding a makeshift shiv in his hand.

"What the fuck--" Bubba the clown says when the maniac stabs him several times in the gut. When he finally pulls it out at last, there's a large spread of blood over his clown suit.

"You..." Bubba says before his eyes roll up and he falls flat on his face.

"EEEEEEEE!!!!!" The fat maniac with the piss-stained undies screeches. "YOU DON'T DARE MOCK ME! YOU DON'T DARE! EEEEEE!!!!" This time he heads toward Stephen King.

"NO!" You shout.

You don't see what happens. Another crazy has knocked you over, but all he does is sniff you. But you hear Stephen King scream.

One of the clowns grabs a discarded piece of wood and bashes it against the fat maniac's head. "This! Is! For! Bubba!"

"EEEE!!!" The fat man screeches in his unnaturally high voice. "WHAT'S THEE DOING? IT BURNS! EEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Then his voice mercifully dies down and he rolls over dead.

"Where's my glasses?" King is moaning. "I can't see. Someone get me my glasses..." You look and see his glasses lying on the floor. They're shattered and beyond any forseeable use. Not that King is going to be needing it anytime soon. His eyes are gone.

Crying, your mom rips off the sleeve of her shirt and wraps it around King's head.

"I think we've stayed in the asylum long enough." One of the clowns says. "Lets go."

"Are we going to bring the crazies with us?" You ask.

"Its too dangerous." Your mom says. "Look what he did to Bubba -- to Steve."

DO YOU BRING THE INMATES ALONG?

If so, turn to page 520.
If not, turn to page 391.

[Daghain]

Page 520.

You decide to take the crazies along. With King blind, you need all the eyes you can get.

You pile into the van with the remaining clowns, your mom, King, and seven criminally insane inmates.

You take off down the road, but only get about five miles before you run into a roadblock. Seems the zombie vampires have gotten smart.

You look back at the crazies you brought along. Good forethought on your part.

"All right, boys," You say, opening the sliding door, "They're all yours!"

The crazies bolt from the van and into the throng of zombie vampires at the roadblock. You slam the door shut.

"GO!" You holler at the clown driving the van.

The van flips a 180 and you take off the way you had come. About a mile down the road you come to a crossroads.

A sign at the corner points out where the roads go.

To your left is Las Vegas. To your right, Boulder.

To go to Las Vegas, turn to page 187.

To go to Boulder, turn to page 199.

[LadyHitchhiker]

To Boulder you go. For some reason a story in the back of your mind you can't remember tells you that Boulder is a good place.

On the way to Boulder, however, you come upon a pack of drooling wolves.

To try and tame the wolves and use them to hunt out food, go to page 93.

To try and go around them go to page 09.

To kill them for food, go to page 098.

[Jon]

page 98 kill them for food.

You don't have a gun but you've a spear. You must draw them in close for a good throw.

To don a sheep skin to attract them go to page 111.

To make dying rabbit sounds go to page. 110

To offer them money only to trick them go to page 117.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Page 117.

The wolves seem intelligent enough so you throw all your change and money at the wolves.

Out of nowhere swarms a flock of crows.

They appear to have been feasting on the dead and are not quite the same. They seem dangerous.

To go left to the foxhole, go to page 6567

to run to your right to the abandoned schoolhouse, go to page 4389.

[Daghain]

Page 4389.

You run like hell for the abandoned schoolhouse. Hey, the doors and windows appear to be intact, how bad can it be?

Once inside, you use several desks and chairs to barricade yourselves in.

Upon closer inspection, however, you discover the schoolhouse has its own tale to tell.

On the chalkboard are several cryptic messages, obviously scribbled hastily before the writers ran for their lives.

The three that stand out most to you are these:

"We ran for the Flatirons - there's safety in the mountains!"

"DON'T go to the Flatirons - go south to Wolf Creek Pass! If you get across it will snow in by January!"

"Don't go south! Cheyenne, Wyoming is only 1.5 hours away! NO ONE goes to Cheyenne!!! You'll be safe there!"

You look at these options. Hmm. The Flatirons are basically out your back door, but so are the zombies. And the wolves.

Wolf Creek Pass will get you on the west side of the state, and a lucky avalanche will stop anyone or anything from following you, but shit, it's only October. The big snow won't be around for 3 more months.

Cheyenne. Hmm. Crap town, but there's an Air Force base there. Air Force = weapons, right?

To go to the Flatirons and live in the wilderness in the mountains, go to page 1000.

To go through Wolf Creek Pass and hope for snow, go to page 1012.

To go to Cheyenne with the hope of finding weapons at the Air Force base, go to page 1919.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Page 1919.

You go to Cheyenne. You are hidden up on a hill with your unlikely group looking down at the big cavernous entrance in the side of a hill. Unfortunately, it is guarded by some pretty prestigious members of the military including: Jack O'Neil, Teal'c, Samantha Carter and Daniel Jackson. They have guns and are protecting the base. maybe this means no one is infected?!

To try and reason with the group that you should be allowed to enter the base, go to page 232.

To kill them, go to page 234.

To go to the Flatirons and live in the wilderness in the mountains, go to page 1000.

To go through Wolf Creek Pass and hope for snow, go to page 1012.

[Daghain]

Page 232.

"Hey there." You say to the ominous-looking guards at the gate, "We need your help. We have these zombies and wolves following us, and we're really in a bad way. As you see, we have the famous writer Stephen King with us, and he's been blinded. He could use some medical help. Also, we've all seen Wargames and would LOVE to know of Cheyenne Mountain really looks like it did in that movie. Could you guys let us in? Please?"

If the guards let you in, go to page 1212.

If the guards tell you to get lost, go to page 1121.

[Storyslinger]

Pg.1121

"Piss off!", the gaurds say in unison. They draw their weapons and make their intentions quite clear. You turn you back to them and face you party.

pg.65 You reach into you pocket for a special surprise for the gaurds

pg.7 You leave.

[B Rag]

(Whoops, I'll have to redo this later)

[Malficeus]

pg. 65 you start to reach into your pocket and one of the clowns start to realize what your going to do and speaks up

"Hell no you guys dont talk to me like that"

the clown starts to take off his wig and make-up and reveals a top notch haircut and stern face like that of a Marine with a scar on his face

"Gunnery Sergeant Highway of the USMC and i demand you to let us in before i have to go recon on your pathetic fly boy assess"

the gaurds realizing the danger of this Clint Eastwood look alike snap into position of attention and allow you and your ka-tet into the base.

You turn around once you get in and look around noticing a small horde is on the horizion and will be here soon

"hey kid either we can stand and fight em off or borrow one of those planes and get the hell outta Dodge.

To head to the armory turn to pg. 999
to go to one of the planes turn to pg.2000

[Daghain]

Page 999. You head for the armory. It's pretty well stocked, and besides, it's a bitch to get a plane in the air in the mountains, especially on short notice.

Woohoo! The armory rocks! Guns, grenades, night-vision masks - you name it, they have it. Not only that, but Cheyenne Mountain has some kickass steel doors - nothing gets through those suckers!

You all arm up (with the exception of King, he's blind, remember) and plant yourselves outside the massive steel door.

"You know," the guard says, giving you a superior look, "You could totally stay here - we have food and water enough to ride out this 'epidemic'."

You consider this for a moment. You COULD conceivably wait it out, but if you can get to Colorado Springs and the Coors plant, you can spike the beer with zombie-killing antigens and rid the world of this evil. Hmmm....

To take a 4+ hour drive to Colorado Springs and the Coors plant, go to page 497.

To play it safe and see if your food supply will outlast the zombie invasion, go to page 532.

[LadyHitchhiker]

497...

You decide to go to Boulder Colorado...

On the way to Boulder though you realize that you do not have enough brussel sprouts to spike the coors plant but this is the least of your problems.

The road is overrun with weasels.

To play your flute and guide them to bring you brussel sprouts to cure the infection, go to page 32.

To kill them all, turn to page 399.

To take the round about path into the woods to avoid them, turn to page 400.

[Daghain]

Page 400.

You know the back roads like the back of your hand, being the avid hiker you are. You run up the back roads south to Colorado Springs, and the safety of the Coors plant.

You get there unscathed, and to your surprise, Pete Coors is a total brussels sprouts fan. Who knew?

Pete picks the best of his garden and mixes up a batch of brussels sprouts amber bock. Sadly, it takes a month to age the beer, so you all have to hole up in the Coors plant and wait it out.

One month later, you have some nasty, but effective, brussels sprout beer. You call it Zombie Killer Amber Bock. (and hey, it doesn't taste too bad!)

Now, you need a delivery system. Do you open a zombies-only bar in the Springs, or funnel the beer into the local water system?

To open a bar, go to page 973.

To infiltrate the local water system, go to page 1009.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Page 1009....

So now you've infiltrated the water supply. Everyone seems to be turning back to normal. problem is lots of people have lost their limbs, and are horribly ugly and disfigured, and it seems like the economy is quite rough. Some people have come back with no memories at all. Had you gone through the stargate at cheyenne mountain there was a ray that would have cured everyone else, but you had not done that.

You are the savior and victor of the zombie wars but do you like the publicity?

To escape and become a hermit, go to page 902.

To take over the world, go to page 903.

[Jon]

oops...wrong thread.

[Daghain]

Page 903.

Riding on the coattails of your recent success, you and your band of clowns become the talk of the town. Stephen King marries your mom and you stand to inherit a ton of cash, because, sadly, his family didn't survive the zombie invasion. As his stepchild, you are now his only heir. Your mom takes up the task of taking dictation for all King's future novels, and becomes King's right hand.

You are now so famous that you decide to run for President. You appoint Bobo the clown as your VP and decide to run for the Anti-Zombie party. You travel across the country preaching your particular brand of anti-zombieism and vow to protect the people from all attacks by random horrible creatures.

If you win the election, go to page 17342.

If you lose the election, go to page 17599.

[LadyHitchhiker]

page 17342.

You win presidency! As one of your first acts you become part of a media frenzy. The media starts covering the stories of people who have survived the zombie attacks and since there are none of the old-fashioned "beautiful movie-type people" left, you chang the movie industry by commending the survivors. Now it's in to have had a zombie bite, people start dressing up - even the normies - as if they were attacked by zombies.

oh dear... was this what you meant to do?

This is the least of your problems.

The vampires are happy now that you have untainted their food supply, but their head vampire has come to the president's office and asked if there is any way that you can breed some food for them that does not taste like brussel sprouts.

If you help the vampires turn to page 9875.3
If not, and incite a war, turn to page 2342.1

[Daghain]

Page 9875.3.

You hire a crack team of scientists to work on the brussels sprouts problem. After months of trial and error, the best they can come up with is carrot flavored food. The vampires are not overjoyed at this, but they're willing to take what they can get.

Your next act as president is to do something about this zombie survivor issue. You think about declaring martial law and instating a country-wide dress code, but you're not sure if that would be a wise move. You gather your clown advisers around you and ask their opinion.

To declare martial law, go to page 4997.

To look at alternate plans, go to page 5993.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Page 4997.

You decide to declare marital law.

Unfortunately, your second in command Bobo goes insane and kills you by attacking you with the big red stapler in your office.


For a new story, turn to page 92.

To let this thread die... well don't post in it.

[Jon]

Page 4997.

You decide to declare marital law.

Unfortunately, your second in command Bobo goes insane and kills you by attacking you with the big red stapler in your office.


For a new story, turn to page 92.

To let this thread die... well don't post in it.


page 92.

The assassination attempt fails.

Swingline is sued


Turn to page 103 to see how the color of the stapler's paint thwarted the assassination attempt.

or..

turn to page 101 to see if a past medical procedure thwarted the assassination attempt.

[LadyHitchhiker]

page 92...

Swingline is sued and taken over. Instead of red staplers though, they now have the red and the white. They are candy-striped.

to see how the staplers take over the world go to page 3

to continue onto a new storyline turn to page 92.

[B Rag]

Page 92! New Story!

You wake up in a dark room. You can't see anything around you. The floor feels like damp cement, and the air is very cold. You feel like you're dressed in business attire. In your lap there is a briefcase, but it's locked. You reach around and find what feels like a wooden table. You use it to pull yourself up, and look around. You still can't see anything.

To stumble around and find a way to turn on a light, go to page 17.
To feel around on the table in the dark, go to page 32.

[LadyHitchhiker]

32
You feel around on the table, in the dark, and you encounter something slimy that smells very much like fish.

The lights turn on. You see a room with two doors. The one to your right is closed.

A two headed man looks at you oddly from the entrance of the left door. "Why do you have your hands in fish?" He asks.

"Um," you stammer, "it seemed like a good idea at the time. Actually, it's quite a nice moisturizer."

The two-headed man flips his long hair, and says, "Well I'm heading out. Are you coming with me?"

If you decide to leave with the strange man, turn to page 84.

If you decide to go to the other door, turn to page 3.

[B Rag]

Page 3

No way are you following that thing! It's practically a monster! You wipe off your hands, reach down to grab the briefcase, and dash toward the door to your right. "Hey, get back here!" he shouts. You yank the door open, and it leads to a staircase. You climb the stairs, and open the door at the top of them.

You enter a large ballroom, and you are surrounded nearly a hundred people wearing colorful costumes and masks, which remind you of some sort of masquerade ball. Two of the people there, apparently a man and a woman, step forward. The man rings a bell, and the other people there stop dancing and turn to face you.
"It looks like our... guest... has finally arrived!" he says, in a deep voice with a hint of a French accent. Several of the guests laugh in a way that makes you uncomfortable. You try to step back toward the door, but a tall man dressed in green and purple and a feathery blue mask is in the way.

To ask the couple what is going on, turn to page 41.
To try to ignore them, turn to page 65.

[LadyHitchhiker]

page 65

"What's going on?" you ask.

The lady nervously says, "Well we just stopped by to use the phone, because our tire has a flat... it looks like there's some kind of a party."

The tall masked man dressed so colorfully asks you, "Would you like to stay for the party?'

To agree, turn to page 8.

To ignore them, turn to page 65.

[B Rag]

Page 8

Somehow, you don't think these people are going to let you leave. Besides, work's been rough lately, and you could stand to relax a bit. "Uh... sure, I guess." you tell the tall man.
"Hehe, excellent.." he says. "Here, you can wear this." He pulls out a black mask and pushes it onto your face before you can protest.
A few seconds later, a young girl with a white mask walks over, with a tray, a pitcher of some dark orange liquid, and glasses. "Excuse me, would you like a drink?" she asks.

If you drink the mysterious beverage, turn to page 110.
If you refuse, turn to page 89.

[LadyHitchhiker]

You drink the mysterious beverage, and immediately pass out.

When you wake up, everyone is looking at you strangely. You realize you are now dressed only in your underwear.

A man/woman? appears dressed in a teddy and high heels and asks if you would like to join him/her for an event this evening.

To join him/her, turn to page 93.

To refuse (since honestly, you've just been drugged and don't know what's happened to you) turn to page 94.

[B Rag]

Page 94.
"What?!" you exclaim. "How can I be going to an event at a time like this?! I just woke up in my underwear at a party with a bunch of freaks!"
Everyone chuckles at this, except the androgynous person in front of you. He or she looks very angry.
"How dare you insult me and my friends! I think you need to be taught some manners!" he says. He then whistles, and a very muscular man with three arms enters. You notice that he looks an awful lot like the man with two heads. Before you can continue that thought, he comes running at you with his teeth bared.
You scramble toward a set of double doors, and manage to slam them behind you. This doesn't help you much, because he crashes right through them. However, a large splinter of wood goes into one of his eyes, and he begins crying out in pain.

To continue running, with the hopes of finding your way out of this house, turn to page 23.
To try and talk some sense into the androgynous person and the other guests, turn to page 16.

[The Lady of Shadows]

Page 23

you decide that there's no talking to these people and turn to run. just as you start moving, though, a large wave of exhaustion overtakes you. you think to yourself that it must be the after effect of whatever they gave you and fight through it.

continuing to struggle against the exhaustion, you open a door on your left hoping it's the way out. the door opens into a large, airy room. inside the room is a king-sized bed with what looks like a down comforter, a half dozen or so pillows, a large canopy overhead and some kind of chest at the bed's foot. there is a writing desk with an old fashioned high-backed chair. there are three floor to ceiling windows to your left and to your right are two doors.

one of the doors is open halfway and you can see the glint of a mirror and the gleam of porcelain - a bathroom then. the other door is closed tightly.

but you are becoming increasingly more exhausted with every passing second. and you don't know how much more you can take.


~ to shut the door you just entered through, place the old fashioned high-backed chair under the knob hoping for security and curl up on the bed to take a brief nap, turn to page 17.

~ to open the closed door and continue on your journey, hoping that you will find the strength to go on, turn to page 7.

[B Rag]

Page 7.

You definitely don't want to fall asleep around here. You've already woken up in strange surroundings twice, and who knows what it'll be next? You decide to go check out that door, but first, you take a quick trip into the bathroom.

You see a shelf with some various pill bottles on it. One of the bottles looks just like one you saw on a commercial; you don't remember what it's for, but you remember that it will keep you awake!

You swallow three of the pills, and you start to get a rush of energy. Feeling rejuvenated, and not bothering to worry about the effects of mixing different drugs, you head for the other door.

You open it, and step out into a hallway. The door is at the end, and there is another at the other end. There are dozens of family pictures on these walls. One of them shows an elderly man with a long mustache and thick eyebrows, and two younger men, probably his sons. Upon closer inspection, you realize that one of them looks very familiar. The son on right side of the picture appears to be the same person that you met a little while ago, who was dressed in a teddy and heels. "So, that was a man after all..." you say to yourself.

You go over to the next picture. This one shows the other son from the first picture. With him is a wife, two teenage sons, and a girl of about 3. The teenage sons look awfully familiar too... suddenly, you realize who they are; the two headed man and the three armed man! Apparently, they underwent some sort of mutation after this picture was taken!

Just when your thinking that this situation couldn't get any weirder, you feel a wet nose against your hand. You spin around, and see a German Shepherd dog... except it has the body of a snake!

If you scream and kick it away, go to page 15!
If you think it's peaceful, and try to befriend it, turn to page 43.

[LadyHitchhiker]

43

Turns out the snake has been abused by the mutated man and is just looking for a nice person to befriend. He is ecstatic to see you. You decide to name him Franklin.

"Com'on Franklin!"

To get Franklin to eat them turn to page 0.4

to escape with your new friend, turn to page 20.3

[B Rag]

20.3

You and Franklin want to escape! Only problem is, you have no idea where you are, or how to get away from there. The only logical thing to do is to go through the closest door.

You walk over to the door at the other end of the hallway, and open it. It leads to a long staircase, so long that you can't even see the bottom of it from where you are. You decide to start moving down it, hoping that there may be a way out at the bottom.

When you reach the bottom, you are in a very small room. There is a heavy steel door to your right, with strange buzzing noises coming from behind it. You don't see a way to open it from the outside, though.

If you knock on the door, turn to page 12.
If you go back upstairs, turn to page 913.

[LadyHitchhiker]

12

You knock on the door, and who does answer, but a man who looks like a Sasquatch.

"Welcome to the Sanctuary" he intones.

"What's the sanctuary?"

"It is where we house abnormal creatures. Ooooh your pal would fit right in here."

If you agree to let Franklin stay, but insist you stay too, turn to page 00009.

If you decide to investigate the rest of the crazy building, turn to page 913.

[LadyHitchhiker]

((BUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))

[Candice Dionysus]

Page 00009:

"Who, Franklin?" You ask, looking at the weird German Shepard-snake creature you befriended, and feeling a little bit sad at theidea of losing the only friend you've had through this whole crazy ordeal. "We-ell... He can stay here if you agree to let me stay here with him." You say, confidently, hoping this Sanctuary will prove to be just that.

If the man who looks like Sasquatch lets you stay, turn to page 42.

If he declines, and you have to move on, turn to page 444.4.

[LadyHitchhiker]

42

The sasquatch man grunts, and beckons you in with a sweeping arm motion.

When you step inside, it's as if the building is an optical illusion. The ceiling is much higher than it appears from outside.

He beckons you into an office. There is a twitchy woman probably in her 40s, perusing very ancient looking tests and making appreciative noises while she reads.

The sasquatch grunts at her and then back at you.

"Oh, thank you Sally!" The woman says. "I so rarely get visitors. Well, while you're here, do you want a job?"

The Sasquatch's name is Sally?

If you want a job, turn to page 3 3/4.

If you decline, turn to page 900.

[pinkymcfatfat]

3 3/4

Sally takes you in her ancient VW bus to her sister Gertrude's home.

As you pull up at what you think is Sally's sister's house, you notice a film crew and several HUGE dumpsters. "Hoarder's" is filming at Gertrude's garbage filled lair today.

"Hi there!", Sally yells as she hails a producer over to the bus. "I really can't help clean out Gert's house today, but I got this kid here to volunteer for me, that OK?"

The producer opens up the van door and pulls you out. "It's cool, Sally, it's cool...you're a real mensch."

Sally peels rubber and leaves you and the producer in a dust cloud.

In between hacking coughs, the producer asks if you want to be on bathroom shoveling duty, or dead cat bagging.

For bathroom shoveling, turn to page 100.

For dead cat bagging, turn to page 99.

[Ste Letto]

100

You climb up 10 flights of rickety stairs, coughing from all the dust and dry plaster in the air. You finally find the bathroom. The floor is caked with some kind of disgusting, foul smelling waste.

You are handed a black leather apron and a mask like the ones cyclists sometimes wear. You are also handed a shovel and an extra strong bin bag.

You step into the room, with a camera man behind you, filming you, and start shoveling. There is a loud cracking sound. The floor gives way. You plunge through the rotten and decayed floor.

To find yourself landing on a four poster bed turn to page 32

To find yourself plunging all the way to the basement turn to page 77

[pinkymcfatfat]

32

Your piercing scream is cut short as you find yourself not plummeting to your doom, but bouncing.

You have landed on a gigantic four poster bed covered in out-dated clothing from the 60's and 70's. When you stop bouncing, you notice that the entire room is filled almost to the ceiling with every kind of junk and fad product from those two decades of history.

There are hundreds of cans of 'Billy Beer', pet rocks, Donnie Osmand dolls, black light posters and tons of other schlock. All of it in surprisingly great shape and not very dirty at all.

"It's like a 'Museum of Ugly'!" , you say out loud.

"Who are you calling 'ugly'?", shouts one of the Donnie Osmand dolls.

To start a verbal arguement with the Donnie Osmand doll, turn to page 504.

To freak out and jump out what you believe is a window, turn to page 7.

[LadyHitchhiker]

Turn to page 7

You freak out and jump out what you think is a window.

It turns out to be a portal into an other dimension. What of not sight and sound but of thought and mind.

There is another door, it's twirling but for some reason you can sense that it is there.

There is also a creature groaning..

To talk to the creature turn to page 008

to go through the door turn to page 009

[Dr Krentist]

Turn to page 008

The twirling door disappears into the black abyss where you now find yourself standing.

You hear the groaning creature move closer to where you're standing. It's surely no more then 10 feet in front of you when a spotlight suddenly turns on and reveals the creature to you.

It's Franklin.

"Hey buddy." You say, happy to see a familiar face. "How the hell did you get here?"

Franklin slithers closer to you, opens his mouth, and begins to speak.

"It's a shame you missed your chance to go through that door. It may have been your last hope of getting out of here."

It doesn't take you long to get over the fact that Franklin speaks, you've seen far weirder things today after all.

"So where is here?" You ask.

"It's certainly not reality if that's what you're thinking." Franklin quickly responds "This entire time, everything that you've been through has occurred within your own head."

He stops for a moment as you try to comprehend this.

"The further down you go, the less chance you have at making it back." He finishes

"Make it back to what? What does that mean?" You ask

Franklin just stares at you for a moment before he speaks again. "You're descending into insanity. It's the result of something that happened to you in the real world, however I can't say exactly what."

You stare in disbelief, unable to comprehend what's being told to you. Though you can't help feeling like Franklin is telling the truth; a snake with a German Shepherd's head telling someone their insane only makes sense. Before you can say anything, Franklin begins again.

"So, you have two choices now. You can either deal with this on your own and make the final descent into insanity, which is not far off now, or you can come with me. I'm not guaranteeing anything, but there may be a way to pull you back out of this. It will be a long and horrific process, but it's the last hope you have. It really is too bad you didn't go through that door when you had the chance."

To face the descent alone turn to page 100

To follow Franklin turn to page 101

[LadyHitchhiker]

101

You have decided that if you're stuck in your head and that if Franklin can speak then he probably has some idea of what's going on better than you do... or does he? If it's your head, then well you should be the one to know, but he's the only one telling you what's going on.

There's a door ahead of you. It is purple.

Do you take the door? Perhaps this is another version of the same door Franklin insisted you take. Turn to page 93

Do you keep going down the corridor? Turn to page 92.