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fernandito
11-09-2007, 11:51 PM
Post your favorite Chuck Norris facts.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

fernandito
11-09-2007, 11:57 PM
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

:rofl:

gunslinger19
11-10-2007, 08:29 AM
When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Matt
11-10-2007, 08:56 AM
Chuck Norris doesn't take a picture of your family...


he takes your family :ninja:

Wuducynn
11-10-2007, 09:47 AM
Doesn't Chuck Norris have the ability to shoot lightning from his eyes?

fernandito
11-10-2007, 12:01 PM
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

OchrisO
11-10-2007, 12:47 PM
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

fernandito
11-10-2007, 12:50 PM
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

Odetta
11-10-2007, 12:56 PM
What Jack Bauer does in 24 hours, Chuck can do in 24 minutes!

Telynn
11-10-2007, 02:45 PM
Chuck Norris can move his thread from place to place. :lol:

Brice
11-10-2007, 02:54 PM
Chuck Norris can move his thread from place to place. :lol:

No, I can do that. :P

Storyslinger
11-10-2007, 04:58 PM
When Chuck Norris jumps in the water, he doesn't get wet....
the water gets chuck

If Chuck Norris is late, time better damn well slow down

When Chuck Norris was born, he round house kicked the docter after he slapped his behind.

Chuck Norris is his own father.

OchrisO
11-10-2007, 09:03 PM
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

BlakeMP
11-10-2007, 09:20 PM
Santa Claus behaves himself all year because he knows that Chuck Norris is watching him.

fernandito
11-12-2007, 02:54 AM
Giraffes were created after Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

fernandito
11-12-2007, 02:55 AM
Here's a new take on one of the fan-favorite 300 scenes :lol:


http://www.248am.com/images/chucknorris.jpg

Letti
11-12-2007, 04:41 AM
http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/1/16/Chuck_norris_toilet_paper.png

Letti
11-12-2007, 04:42 AM
Chuck Norris is his own father.

This one is priceless... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Storyslinger
11-12-2007, 05:57 AM
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Jimmy
11-12-2007, 06:19 AM
Chuck Norris doesn't read, he stares down books until he gets the information he wants.

(I once saw graffitti on a wall which read - Chuck Norris wouldn't have needed the wall to write this.)

Rjeso
11-12-2007, 07:43 AM
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Erin
11-12-2007, 07:57 AM
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

OMG. These 3 had me rolling. :lol:

fernandito
11-12-2007, 08:32 AM
When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please".

Rjeso
11-12-2007, 10:34 AM
Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

Rjeso
11-14-2007, 06:09 AM
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris can start a fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris found a stillborn baby lamb and brought it back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the lamb sprang back to life, a crowd of the crew members gathered. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked the lamb's head off its neck, just to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and Chuck taketh away.

Jimmy
11-14-2007, 11:40 AM
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

/k/ommando
04-16-2008, 06:55 PM
Chuck Norris can divide by 0.
Chuck Norris can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parasects.
Chuck Norris knows what Willis was talking about.
In the beginning, God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "Say please!"

Girlystevedave
04-16-2008, 07:11 PM
How am I just now finding this thread?
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Storyslinger
04-17-2008, 06:51 AM
Chuck Norris was the only survivour of the 300 Spartans

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y100/Roberrox/laescotilla/chuck.jpg

Girlystevedave
04-17-2008, 07:03 AM
The tides aren't caused by the gravity of the moon. It's the ocean's way of trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Girlystevedave
04-17-2008, 07:23 AM
The rotation of the Earth was caused by one of Chuck's roundhouse kicks.

Girlystevedave
04-17-2008, 07:25 AM
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Girlystevedave
04-17-2008, 07:31 AM
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Girlystevedave
04-17-2008, 07:41 AM
For Feev:
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Girlystevedave
04-17-2008, 10:18 AM
Okay, this may be my favorite:
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever

obscurejude
04-17-2008, 11:21 AM
Where are you guys getting these? Are they all from the book?

Brice
04-17-2008, 11:22 AM
They are all over the internet. I think there are whole sites devoted to these. :lol:

Unfound One
04-17-2008, 11:24 AM
Where are you guys getting these? Are they all from the book?

Umm.... They're all common knowledge.

obscurejude
04-17-2008, 11:27 AM
Okay, I found some.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Letti
04-17-2008, 11:28 AM
http://www.savagechickens.com/images/chickennorris.jpg

Brice
04-17-2008, 11:28 AM
:lol:

Erin
04-17-2008, 11:39 AM
Okay, I found some.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

OMG. Those two. :rofl: :rofl:

obscurejude
04-17-2008, 01:26 PM
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

obscurejude
04-17-2008, 01:28 PM
If you spell Chuck Norris' name in scrabble, you win. Forever.

obscurejude
04-17-2008, 01:29 PM
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

obscurejude
04-17-2008, 01:30 PM
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Unfound One
04-17-2008, 01:34 PM
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Unfound One
04-17-2008, 01:34 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't shave. He punches himself in the face repeatedly.
The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Unfound One
04-17-2008, 01:35 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin.
Behind his beard is another fist waiting to attack.

obscurejude
04-17-2008, 01:36 PM
Go to Google Home
Web Images Groups News more
Advanced Search
Preferences
Search: the web pages from Chuck's Beard
Web

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.


No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

* Run, before he finds you
* Try a different person

Unfound One
04-17-2008, 01:40 PM
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

obscurejude
04-17-2008, 01:41 PM
Chuck Norris invented the c-section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.

Unfound One
04-17-2008, 01:43 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Matt
04-18-2008, 01:45 PM
These are getting repeated a bit no? Out of the whole list...this was my favorite:


When Chuck Norris jumps in the water, he doesn't get wet....
the water gets chuck

Rjeso
04-18-2008, 07:33 PM
Yeah, people seem to be posting their favorites, so there are repeated facts. They're funny every time, though, so it's all good.

fernandito
02-25-2010, 10:37 AM
In the beginning there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris came along , roundhouse kicked that nothing and said "get a job". The Earth was created as a result.

blunthead
03-22-2014, 03:46 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.Who wins?

webstar1000
03-24-2014, 03:42 AM
When Chuck Norris tells time.... time listens.

Iwritecode
03-24-2014, 05:41 AM
Chuck Norris actually died about 10 years ago. It’s just that Death has been too afraid to actually inform him.

fernandito
03-24-2014, 07:27 AM
I love you guys for bumping this thread hahaha.

Girlystevedave
03-25-2014, 05:15 AM
Heck yeah! I forgot about this thread.

Girlystevedave
03-25-2014, 05:15 AM
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.